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If you read my laast post, you knw I am about ready to tell AH to move back home.
Heres my problem. For the last couple of days when we have been together I have found myself being very needy, clingy sort of, wanting all his attention. Some background....Ah was emotionally abusive in the past, before I left him, but he has not been so since he has been in recovery. In the past he would withhold, withhold affection, communication, etc and in the past I was needy and felt rejected as a result of his withholding. I am feeling all the bad stuff I felt before when he was being abusive, just now he is not being abusive, he is wonderful.
The only thing I can figure it is is that I am feeling fear that things will change when he moves home. I think my fear of losing his affection, that he will withhold again like he did before, is causing me to feel this way and in turn I act needy and I hate feeling like this. I know it must be making him crazy too, but he has not said anything, just asked me what was wrong, and if I was okay. Also I think a natural reaction from him is to not be as affectionate, not kiss me as much when he feels like I am pressuring him. So how do I forget the past, how do I not let it affect me now? I went through so much pain with him, with his abuse, how do I keep my pain and fear from controlling me now? when I have no reason to continue being afraid?
I think maybe just knowing he will be home, when let him come home, is triggering things for me. I am feeling scared, hurt, angry, sad and I found myself getting teary eyed just a bit ago because I want him home yet I am afraid and hurt.
Does anyone know what I am talking about? What do I do to get past this? Please help me understand so I can fix this in myself.
Maybe the timing is not right for you yet. Just because he is doing well and ready to come home doesn't mean that you have healed yourself. It sounds like you still have some resentments or are falling back into old behaviors. I think the key is to continue living as if he weren't there and enjoy the time you do have. When we separate we end up having to get our own life that doesn't revolve around the A anymore. I would say that if you haven't found your own hobbies, friends and interests you might not be ready. If you have then I think it's important to keep that separateness one you are back together, still doing your hobbies and seeing your friends, etc. Hope that is helpful although it may not be what you wanted to hear.
Good morning Verenda, this subject is close to my heart :).
If I learned ONE THING about myself I learned my "gut" is an accurate barometer of what's going on around me and to listen to it.
My exA was verbally abusive and controlling, and for me at least, that was harder to deal with than him being stoned all the time or drinking. His drug of choice is meth, but he disappeared to do that.
Give yourself permission to step back as CG says, you are getting a message loud and clear from your own self that this issue needs addressing before anything moves forward.
Thanks Carolina I think you are on to something here. I have found my own way without him, I am in college finishing up my AA degree and plan to transfer to university in January. I have found more independence, and I like it. I think this is part of my fear, that I will lose some of my independence but that is to be expected when you are married, since when one is married they can't just do their own thing all the time anymore. When we have a spouse some of the independence must become togetherness, and commitment to the spouse. I guess I am feeling like I am giving up something but this is what it means to sacrifice at times for the good of another. Does any of this make sence?
Maybe I am just letting all my fears get in the way, maybe I am nt ready, maybe I am just not wanting to give up my seperateness from him, and I do not have to give up my seperateness from him, just do not want to become too emeshed or dependent on him. I think that is what is scaring me, that I will become too dependent. Why does that make me feel needy though? Seems like it would make me detatch from him instead?
Really trying to figure this all out, want to get at the root of it so I can deal with it.
Yes I have to address these feelings before I can move forward, and I want to move forward and have him home again, but I have to figure out this stuff in me first, and why I am feeling this way now all of a sudden. I have not had these feelings in a long time, just when I decided to let him come back home.
These feelings just have me all confused now, and I feel angry. angry at him, at myself, at everything. I have my Al Anon meeting tonight, thats a good thing, I need it, and I can talk to them too. Maybe I can talk to T too, he will be there also.
Thanks for helping me and being there, knowing someone is listening helps so much
For me, this is the kind of thing that a sponsor is a huge help with. Maybe read the Sponsorship pamphlet again? Go to some different meetings to listen for someone hp might have in mind for you to ask to sponsor you?
I have learned.... am still learning.... that I cannot think of every possibility, and that in fact this is a good thing, because I'm not supposed to. My sponsor helps keep me on track, and points out things I haven't thought of, because she's been listening to me for a while now, and she sees things I can't see.
I know that when I left my A before for about 4 months I loved the independence and when we got together again it was back to the same ol same ol. I was totally about him again. A lot of this was because he really wasn't better, and he put me thru hell after that for quite a while. I suppose for having the gall to leave him. Anyway, after being separated for a year this time I would never go back for a variety of reasons but also because of that last time. I think your thing is that you were one way when you were together and now you're different. The problem for you is if you want to stay this different person or you want to go back to the way you were. Now we both know that the old you was sick and the old him was sick and your expectations/behaviors revolved around that sickness. The new you is independent and better and hopefully the new him is too. The problem is not to fall back into the old patterns because they are what is familiar like a rut. It's almost as if you have to treat it as a new relationship with a new person. You are different he is different and I know you don't want what you had before otherwise you wouldn't have left. You have to figure out how to stay the you that you are now and learn to relate to him as this new you because I'm sure he still expects the old you that he was used to. It's very hard not to sink back into old ways and become the person someone else expects you to be, you have to have your own new expectations and make sure he understands before he comes back who the new you is. My worry is that whenever he's around you are reverting back to the old you and he'll think nothing's changed which in the end sets you up to get pulled back into your old behaviors to try to be the person he expects you to be or remembers you as.
Do you have a sponsor you can discuss your feelings with? I too think this should be addressed. Your other post was about the many positive changes your husband has made to move forward. How about you? We need to make changes too and work through our old feelings and actions. We are responsible for our feelings and actions and how we have internalized them. Just as we can't make the alcoholic drink or not drink, their actions cannot make us feel clingy or needy. We take that on all by ourselves.
These are personality traits/deficits that could be addressed through work with a sponsor to determine why they exist and what in your life has allowed the feelings to manifest in to what they are (4th Step). On the surface we "think" the answer to that is "because he ............", but it is rarely the correct answer. It is usually a childhood incedent or something that occurred through a previous relationship that has never been addressed. Until it is addressed and you can disect why it is happening it will just keep coming up again and again.
My friend abby says that someone once told her, "her husband couldn't come home to an old idea, she was the old idea".
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yes I see what you are saying. Up untill yesterday I have been the new me, whether I am around him or not, and he really likes me the way I am now. But for some reason since yesterday, I ahve been this needy, clingy person, and this morning I feel angry toward him for putting me through all the abuse, pain, fear etc. And also I do not want to give up being able to do what I want when I want. Its like there is this battle going on in my head, part wants him home, misses him, loves him terribly and part is afraid he will become the man he used to be again, I will loose myself to him again, etc. In short I think I am just scared to death! I think it all comes down to me letting go and letting God. Letting go of all this "stuff' and let God work it out inside me because I know up until yesterday I was all ready for him to come home except for the part of me that does not want to give up my freedoms. This I decided I would work out on my own, that I can still have my freedoms even though he is home, some of them anyway. (for example, I like to be able to sit on my porch and have a drink if I want to, and if he is home that has to stop) I think I have a resentment toward him for that one. Which I know is not very compassionate of me, he has a disease that he did not cause either.
I know I am rambling just trying to work it all out in my mind. Thanks for listening and being there
I do not have a sponser yet, but I am going to ask someone tonight, and know she has experienced the same things with her AH, the abuse and stuff, and I can relate to her.
I know what you are saying about it being related to an incident in the past or past relationship, but the past relationship it is related to is the one with my AH, and the things that happened, the emotional and physical abuse. The physical abuse only happened when he was drunk, on 2 occasions and I called police and he was in jail for 72 days. We have been seperated ever since. I left our home at the time, we just rented, and rented my own apartment.
The things I am feeling are leftover from the past abuse. He is not causing my feelings now, but they are a result of his abuse in the past. But I can't let these feelings that remain to sabotage what we have now. I guess maybe the only way to eradicate them is to trust him, and move forward. Especially because he has not given me any indication that he will be abusive again and he has made a lot of progress and made many changes.
what a phenomenal thing that you are able to observe all this and comment on it. My observing ego can go awol from me at times. I do observe my knee jerk reactions to stuff now. For me my esh it is generally fear. I have tremendous fear that I will be alone and not know how to manage. The issue for me in relaitionship is that I do much worse int hem than out of them (except I am lonely). I have tremendous fantasies about being rescued that I have to continously address and not act on. For me sometimes the issue in relationship is the fantasy rather thant the reality. I had a tremendous enduirng fantasy the A woudl get better and I tried to make it a reality. The reality was he only got worse and worse and worse.
Well, first thing I have learned I can not fix anything by myself, next I can understand exactly what you are going through. My wife are working on putting our marrige back together, just got back from a date, and I want to hold on tight. If she gives me some I want more, i can not just be happy with out the casus. I don't think anything is wrong with you, your just one of us, thats all. When I get like that I try to think about a little me there that is lonely, and needs the adult me to care for him. To give my little self everything from my adult self, that I want from that other person...does this make sence? And does it help?
I think you make perfect sense, Dale. I do that too. When I am having a hard time, I try to see myself as a small child who is in need of nurturing. Now, as an adult, I am the only one who can take care of that child.
((((Verenda)))) the alanon program teaches us that we don't ever have to make a decision until we KNOW we are ready to do so. You absolutley do not have to act until you are ready. It sounds to me like you have some pretty strong unresolved feelings that need to be dealt with.
I am separated from my AH who is now 57 days sober and doing very well. I am seeing changes in him like you have described. He was also very emotionally abusive and used withdrawl of affection as his whip. Now things are getting better and I have people asking about why he's not moving home and it is starting to really bother me. I am not ready to have him here again.
I love this new person he is becoming, but I still do not trust it to last. I still have my reservations. I still have hurt and pain to work through myself. They do not understand that a couple of months is nothing compared to the 13 yrs of abuse I suffered from this disease and there is a lot of work for me to do to heal those feelings. I will not set aside all of my hurt and ignore it this time just because he is doing well for the moment. When he comes home this time I want it to be permanent. I will not rush my recovery because I want to be strong this time, so we have a chance to be happy together. I want to blend two whole individuals this time, and I am not whole yet. And to be honest, neither is he yet.
Hope this makes some sense and helps a little.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Everything you both say makes sense Jen how long have you been seperated? We have been seperated almost 7 months now. I hope everything continues to go well with you both. Also. your abuse went on for 13 years, and I can see how you would be very reluctant to move too fast, and how it will take you a long time to heal from such prolonged abuse. I just married my AH last Dec, so I did not have to endure it for years, maybe that makes it easier, I do not know, but I ended it when it happened the 2nd time physically, and we have been apart ever since. He knows I will not tolerate abuse of any kind, and he wants to change. His wanting to be different is the key. Does your H go to any type of domestic violence classes? Mine goes to classes every Saturday with a domestic abuse treatment program that lasts 28 weeks. I think they need this in addition to AA because the abuse is not caused by alcohol, it is a seperate problem with seperate causes and treatment needed. Alcohol does not cause abuse, it is in them regardless of the alcohol. My AH realizes this and sees his abuse as a seperate problem from his alcoholism.
Thanks both of you, and Dale I m taking care of myself too, just like you said in your reply. Sometimes we need to comfort ourselves with something we enjoy, or pamper ourselves a little.
