The material presented
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Have not been here in a while. Ah and I are doing real well, he picked up his 6 month chip on the 18th, He is still at the halfway house for recovering men, has been for 2 months now since he graduated Faith home in August.
Also. he is faithfully attending meetings, 5 a week, his counseling every week, stays in contact with his sponser, attends sessions with me and T , and I attend Al Anon every week.
My D26 has really come around from being totally against him to saying she thinks that H should move back home with me. I told her that I did not know if I was ready, this was 2 weeks ago. I told H what she said, he just told me that it had to be my decision for him to come back home, that he was not going to say or do anything to influence me, instead he has been very understanding, supportive, and not al all pressureing me or trying to push me. The old H would have used every tactic he could to get me to let him come home. The new H is the opposite.
We talked to his sponser, who is also a counselor, and he thinks H is ready and will do fine. He has told me personally, not in Hs presence, that he sees a lot in H that he has never seen before. He said he saw a new willingness and honesty that H never displayed in past years. This sponser was also Hs sponser a few years ago. He knows H very well, and I trust his opinion.
Also, H spent the weekend at home, and we had a wonderful time together. We love each other very much, and want our marriage to work more than anything. We have become very close, talk about everything now, he shares his feelings with me, is very open, very caring. He has learned to have empathy, to really see me and hear me. He has not been verbally or emotionally abusive not once in the past 5 months, no slips there.
I think I am ready for him to come home, I miss him, and I want him with me. I have told him that when he does come home I do not want his changes to change, he must still make at least 4 meetings a week, his counseling session, and his meetings with his sponser. These things can't change. He knows what I expect and will not tolerate. He does not know yet of my decision, he will not ask me, nor will he ask me if I am thinking about it, or if I have decided anything, he does not ask me anything about coming home. I think his doing so has greatly increased my trust in him, because he is showing respect, empathy, and understanding to a great degree now. i think that when he comes home on pass this weekend that I will tell him on Monday he needs to bring home the rest of his things. I feel like this is what I want, but he has told me that I do not have to make a decision, and that from him, shows me that he has changed a lot.
I just want and need support from you all here, maybe some suggestions from experience, and comments.
That's great news :) It sounds like many miracles have taken place and a host of positive changes.
I think if it were me and I felt I was ready for his return, I'd put the ball back in his court, allowing him to ask himself if HE is sure he is ready, making him responsible for his decision and commitment to sobriety. It's a huge deal in that he will be tested in every aspect. Back to the same old grind so to speak, while facing life and it's many responsibilities and all it's pressures head on... sober. It is much different then living in a Recovery House where many of the day to day temptations are lessened. Thirty days sober is wonderful, there's no doubt about that. But it is just the beginning of a very long, lifetime struggle.
I wish you both continued miracles, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks Christy for your support and encouragement, also he has 6 months sober, and I have talked to him about his readiness. he thinks he is ready, that he can handle the changes back into being more in the world and not so protected. Also, he has a very good support network, he just has to make sure to use it and reach out when he needs to. I think he will, he very much wants to make things work, since he now knows what it feels like to lose the one thing you love most, which he did, when I left him in April.
Verenda, I'm not sure how my brain transfererred "6 mo. into 30 days", too early I guess (or old age). Sorry about that. Six months is great!! My husband will be 2 yrs sober in Feb. Who woulda thunk it after 25+ yrs? I'm still in awe.
Peace, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Way to go girl , there comes a time when we just have to trust . If you continue to take care of your needs , meetings and work your program , regardless of what he does you will be fine and he sounds like he is settling into AA . You only have to do this one day at a time and make sure u get the most out of each day . We have to learn to stay out of thier program and allow them to do it thier way make MYOB your new mantra . hehe And as to your daughter , remember that she has her own life no one has the right to tell you who u should and should not live with that is between you and your husb . tho I realize she only wants to see her mom happy and not hurting. this is your life. You decide no one else/ I hope u have a good sponsor in place , talk things over with someone else before u approach your husb get a diff perspective sometimes what we think is going on isn't . Often after talking to sponsor i found I really din't need to discuss it with him , seems all I wanted was to be heard and al anons get me hehe A's don't . take a chance and Don't miss the good days. life throws us curves occasionally but with program and God you can work it thru. My hsb and I were separated for 6 months before he quit drinking the last time and it was the best thing that he could have done for us , he found out that home was where he wanted to and was willing to do what he had to do to be here and I found out that I was going to be okay with out him . ,that was 19 yrs ago. there is always hope . goodluck Louise
I wanted to point out some behaviors of your H that really impress me. He is focussed on himself and his recovery first. He has not inundated you with pleas or demands to come home (big one I think). He is demonstrating great respect for you and your need for space.
To me, that is significant CHANGE. I think we all wonder "has s/he really changed?" How do we know they have?
How your H is behaving and conducting himself seems to me anyway evidence of a significant change in him.
Bless you both, and best of luck and hard work and many, many beautiful days together to come :)
Have you thought about getting some books on how to solve disagreements. I think visiting is a little different from living. I know for me int he times I reconciled with the A (and he was always active so it is different) we often fell back into dysfunctional patterns after a while. I had my part in them. One was how to argue, mediate and compromise. Those behaviors for me have to be learned.
