The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was with the A nothing was too much for me. All summer long I held him up. I paid for everything, food, shelter, clothes the works. Now I am having ot work more to pay for the credit I burned thorugh taking care of him. I find it pretty hard going to give this to myself. I want to sink into self ptiy or burn with anger. The truth is I made a choice that has ramifications. Now I have to pay for a while. Its really hard going to give to me. Giving to him was easy. I gave till i dropped. He gives nothing, nada. He does not even think of me as a person I now know that. I have to put myself first and I find that so harding. Giving to others is easy, giving to msyelf the consturctuve gifts of an organized house, a clean house, chores down, errands run, bills taken care of very very very hard going for me.
Maresie, "giving to myself" is a very new awareness for me. It's always been a reflex to give to others while I'm starving (metaphorically speaking). Then I get angry with THEM, which makes no sense!
They asked, and I gave. Simple transaction. Over and done with . . . not!
Not when I am needing to give to myself.
I relate with just learning the basics . . . clean house, laundry done, food in the cupboard, bills paid. Then I feel secure. THEN I'm available to others . . . nothing wrong with us, we are just kind and giving people. Just have to learn how to be kind and giving to ourselves too :) .
I don't know why it is so "hard", but I certainly relate with that too. Perhaps just the force of habit??
I think one of the core issues for me is the over giving and then feeling resentful. I also think it is very very telling that I cannot give to myself. The next few months I will have to put a lot of time and energy into getting solvent. In fact for me it may be a few years to get solvent.
I have incredible fantasies about this stuff which is one reason I was such easy fodder for the A. When I met the A he was so helpful, he was loving, kind interested and willing to help. He did a 180 duirng the time we were together. He went from that to being totally disinterested, totally unhelpful and aboslutely unreliable and a huge drain on me financially emotionally and personally.
I totally understand not being able to give to yourself. It is something I am struggling with, too. I have started to ask myself, what am I getting out of this overgiving to others? I get to feel resentful. I get to play the victim/martyr role. I get to distract myself from my own work. I think I need to learn how to take stock when I give to me and really try to feel the accomplishment.
Also, I need to learn to value myself enough to want to put out the effort for myself. I have always minimized my own needs, so now I find it hard to feel I am as worthy as the others in my family, of my own time and effort. I think it is part of our sickness to value ourselves less than everyone around us.
So Maresie, maybe an affirmation is in order. "I am a good, loving, and kind person who is worthy of my own effort." "I deserve a clean house and a well ordered life."
Take one of these (or both) and say them over and over to yourself. Write them down again and again over the next few days. I do this to help reprogram my inner voice and it really does work.
You are doing so good. Hope this helps.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Funny, when I went on vacation everyone got a souvenir but me. I thought about buying something but then kept thinking how I'd have to pay for it later... I think my problem isn't giving to me it's over giving to my kids. I don't know, it's hard to say what is good and what is too much isn't it? I buy my kids tons of stuff at the thrift store but I LOVE shopping at thrift stores so really it's giving to me and them I get to do what I want and they benefit from it with stuff. Plus I sell stuff on ebay from there too and that come back to me AND them in fun money. I am leaning toward this not being a problem area for me. I feel like I do lots of things for myself I enjoy my time off, I guess I could take care of myself a little better...
