The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My 31 y.o. sister just finished rehab for Rx pain killers for the second time. I supported her all through rehab, wrote letters, sent money,etc. Now she's been home for a few weeks. I've tried to support her since she's been back , but she's already back to the nasty cycle of lying and using again.
Last night she showed up at a family function (at my home) obviously under the influence of pills.
I want very badly to tell her that she needs to stay away from me and my home until she is ready to get clean again. Is this unreasonable or mean? I just think that she is never going to get better if people continue to tolerate it.
This is the first time I've reached out to any group for any support on this,so I'm not really familiar with the group format.
You're right on that tolerating her behavior will just prolong it. In Alanon that is called a form of enabling the addict.
It is completely normal and understandable to not want to see your sister killing herself. Setting limits with her is the KINDEST thing you can do for her, not mean at all. Your sanity and comfort in your own home is by far more important than her feelings on the matter.
Lots of us have had to set similar limits, and lots of us have felt guilt at first. Then we realize we are sticking up for our loved one's eventual recovery, NOT their disease/addiction.
Alanon is for anyone affected by a loved one's drinking/using drugs. I encourage you to find a good Alanon meeting and learn as much as you can about boundary setting, detatchment with love, and keeping the focus on yourself (not the addict).
That is the way to help your sister, the only thing you can really do for her.
Good luck and BTW, there's no format, just post and reply to posts, feel free to ask questions too :)
Welcome , u have a right to say what is acceptable in your own home. As long as you check your motives for setting that boundary , if your trying to teach her a lesson for get it I have found I am usually the ones that gets the lesson. If you truly do not want her there and your motives are hones u have a right to ask her to stay away. U need support , this board is great but f2f meetings will help u alot , u need to learn about this disease and how it affects you and learn how to recover from the effects of someone elses addiction . here is the toll free number for meetings in your area for your sake I hope u call 1-888-4alanon Louise
Thank you all for your responses. I'm online all the time and never even thought about searching for a board like this...lol.
As far as my motives with telling my sister to stay away-- I just want to create a place (my home) where I can just forget about all this sometimes. I don't want my kids to see someone in that condition. And- I think it should be as inconvenient as possible for her to use drugs. For example, if she knows that she is going to miss a family function if she uses druges, then maybe she won't.
However, I am struggling with this now because I am finding that I resent my sister more and more every day for the amount of time that her addiction steals from our family. It consumes us all. Her lies and manipulative behaviors have nearly destroyed relationships. I feel guilty that she has this problem, but I am starting not to like her anymore. I'm so tired of it all.
Sounds like a dose of Alanon for the entire family would do good, although I know many are not receptive to the idea, a united front can work wonders. It would stop the manipulation and the consuming of everyone. Bottom line is you can only help you. If others choose to help themselves in the fight against the destruction of the disease I'm sure you would welcome them to join you.
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I just wanted to chime in with, I understand how you feel. This disease will consume you if you let it, but you do not have to let it. Alanon will teach you how to keep you life your own.
It is absolutely ok to keep your boundaries and enforce them. I had to tell my own husband what you are telling your sister. My house is a safe place for our family including him if he stays clean. But remember to do it for you and your own sanity and peace. You can not control your sisters behavior, and it does not matter if she uses more or less today. This is a progressive disease. No matter how much they use, they get sicker and sicker until they learn how to stop for themselves.
Alanon is about us staying healthy and not getting in the way of their recovery process. If we interfere we just make ourselves crazy and prolong their solutions.
Hope you keep coming back. We are glad to have you.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
