The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a long time since I've logged onto this forum. I hope everyone is doing well.
Just to update you on my situation with my ex A B/F... As you may remember, him and I decided to rekindle our friendship about 6 months ago... Things were going GREAT!! We spent a lot of time together as friends doing really fun things. To sum it up, the spots on a leopard dont change. Things in the past few weeks have gone downhill. I had my suspicions that he was drinking again and low and behold my suspicions were right. He drinks socially when he is out with 2 of his friends. It wasnt until him and I went away for a weekend that I got a first hand look at things. We stopped for lunch and he ordered not 1, not 2, not 3 BUT 9 beers at the restaurant. I couldnt get him to leave. He wouldnt stop drinking! I finally left him there and told him to find his own way home. This was done after numerous attempts to get him to leave the place with me which were obviously all unsuccessful. I never throw out ultimatums, but it was time. The next day I told him that either he gets his ass back into AA or our friendship was over. He swore up and down that he'd go back to meetings and promised that he wouldnt drink again. Well, he hasnt gone to a single meeting and I am not convinced that he has given up drinking again. Needless to say, I can't take it anymore so I made the decision to end our friendship for obvious reasons.
Hopefully he can overcome his drinking problem. If not, maybe he'll meet another undedicated AA person that he can share a friendship with.
Of course I miss the jerk, but I am not going through the ups and downs of someones alcoholism again.
Whats nice about just being "friends" with an A is that you can walk away at any time. Yea, maybe that isnt what friends are supposed to do, but for me, its what is going to help me keep my sanity.
I dont need another dependant and alcoholics are just like having a dependant!
My word of advise to anyone considering rekindling a friendship, or relationship, with someone that is an alcoholic is:
PROCEED WITH CAUTION and GET OUT the moment you have any suspicions at all that they are drinking again!!
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Thanks (((NJ))) for giving the update. I have not checked on the website in a while either. Just wanted to say good for you for setting your boundaries and seeing them through. I know it must have been difficult for you to make that decision to walk away, but you know yourself better than anyone else. Good for you for honoring yourself and your feelings.
Keep it up!!!
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am glad you kept to your boundaries. You put your skills to good use.
Of course he drank again, he is an A. It is not that he is weak, or stupid or does not care, he is sick.
In my experience,I would rather say, "It is my decision to not to through the ups and downs of alcoholism with my friend."
We don't give advice in Al Anon. It is up to each of us to stay or go. A very wonderful lady in London stayed with hers until he died. The last few days he was sober,so they got to see the real him for a tiny bit.
Just because they use does not mean we cannot use our Al Anon skills to stay. It can be done. It also can be done in a healthy way.Not all A's are obnoxious.
You obviously decided to take care of you and let go. You did it very well. For your own sanity it was best.
Sometimes being a friend means that you have to do what you know is right even if its not the comfortable option. You never do an A a favor by not holding them accountable for their actions. In this case, he lost a good friend. So sad, but for some it takes loosing everything.
As long as you did it for you, you know its probably right. And none of us are going to fault you for not wanting that in your life.LOL
Glad to have you back.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
