The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The other day I posted that I was looking for an online sponsor, but I don't think I made myself very clear. I have been in and out of alanon for around 5 years, but until a couple months ago never really bought that it really applied to me. My husband of 34 years went from 28 years of not even drinking a drop of alcohol (there was never alcohol in our home and he was not alcoholic, just didn't want to drink because afraid what could happen--strong family history of alcoholism plus realizing that when he drank in his youth, he never wanted to quit) to now being a raging active alcoholic. I don't want the marriage to end but now he's talking about it. He can't stand the nagging, crying, begging, the criticism, the guilt he feels about me and thinks he wants out. He says he can't stand being around me and he probably can't considering the way I act. In spite of the horrific things he has said to me and in spite of the fact that he spends every evening until 3am in a bar drinking and womanizing, I still want to be married to him--guess hoping for a better future. In the last 2 weeks, he actually has had 4 or 5 days of being sober and serene and then he's his old wonderful self. He hasn't made that kind of effort in over a year, but each time he drinks again, it's worse than ever. Just this past Tuesday, he "really wanted to stop" but on Wednesday when he went back to the bar and actually called to apologize (we had plans with friends), I blew up and then again on Thursday. It's been really bad since then and I can't help but wonder if it would be not quite so bad had I reacted (or should I say not reacted) as I did. An alanon friend told me that "he's drinking at me". In other words, angry at himself and I set up the perfect situation for him to place the anger on me and an excuse to keep on drinking.
I attend f2f meetings regularly and am actively looking for a sponsor. I do call alanon friends from time to time. I don't want my marriage to end before I have really worked the program. Now, I'm willing to do anything it takes to make me better so I can make choices I won't regret later. I want the 6 mos or so of recovery before making or causing major change. He's so incredibly angry with me right now. I just promised him that I am changing and there will be no need for anger anymore. I need all the support I can find. I so much need the online and f2f sponsor, so if anyone is interested, please help
I can only give you my experience. I quit trying because I expected a different outcome and I always got the same thing. You can't change his way of thinking. I've tried for so many years and not one thing has changed besides I grew up and he stayed right where he has always been.....behind. Keep working with a sponsor (when you find one )and voicing your opinion. It helps to get it out. Good luck.
I have been married to my AHsober for almost 34 years. He walked out 2 years ago. Says he wants a divorce and I am keeping him from his freedom. He says it is "you, you, you". Don't take that from your husband. They are looking for a scapegoat. You get into recovery for yourself and not for him.
I am fairly new to the Alanon program. I have a f2f sponsor that I call once a week. As for an online sponsor I don't know how it works. If you post here regularly I think it will be like having a bunch of sponsors. How cool is that?
Thanks Nancy for your comments. What you said about your husband truly scares me. I know my husband pretty well and I know he can't stand the idea of constantly hurting me, can't stand the constant arguments, and thinks his freedom is the answer. I also know that he loves his family and couldn't bare the idea of loosing them.
Firstly, There is always hope. Everyone's experience with alcohol and their alcoholic is different, although there are many similarities in the behaviors, they are not their disease and neither are we.. We can't be sure where their/our bottom is, it is also different for everyone. Some have no bottom at all.
I just wanted to tell you after 30 yrs of daily drinking, my husband is almost 2 yrs sober. Miracles do exist and are ever present.
If you choose to give yourself, him and your marriage 6 months to work the Alanon program that is exactly what you should do. Only you can determine what you need. You may even want to complete the 12 Steps before you come to a conclusion. Many times that takes much longer then 6 months, that's OK too. The 6 months is kind of a minimum time frame given to seriously work the program before you make any life altering decisions.
Keep coming back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
There is always hope, as Christy says. My AH has been using drugs including alcohol since he was a small child. He has 53 days sober today and is trying very hard. We have been separated for 3 months, but have no desire to get divorced at this point.
However, Nancy is right. You are NOT the cause of his drinking. The problems you have in your marriage are not the cause of his drinking. He drinks because he is an A and that is what they do, until THEY learn how to stop. There is nothing you can do that will make him drink, and nothing you can do that will stop him.
Working on you is about you, not him. If you work your program for him, it will not work. Just like if he gets sober for you and the family, it will not stick.
That is why my AH and I have separated temporarily. I'm not saying you and your AH should, only that it is working for me.
I hope you will keep coming back here. It will get better if you work this program. I can't say how, but better for sure, eventually. The support we have here is priceless.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
