(((((((((((((((Yo Roomies))))))))))))))

Been away for a wee while, but been keeping an eye on you lot..lol

The last few weeks I have been "Uncontrollable", running about like a "teenager", having "FUN", ..lol Internet dating, chatting to different people, I spent four days with one guy, as you all know. That ended because I was showing  signs of "Insecurity", I think. ... I've never dated anyone else.. just chatting.BUT, and there is always a BUT...

Last night I realised what I had been doing wasn't normal for me.. (lol). I thought about it, and Why.. What was I getting from all of this. And I answered myself, I was getting restpite from pain. The relationship with the A (recovering) in my life has been over for a while, (july), and I was searching for a "quick fix" to fill the void in me. A distraction from him, my feelings, emotions, etc. I think deep down I knew that was why I was acting like this.... Hiding AGAIN!!!

Anyway, I have been speaking to my sponsor today and we talked about how I have been acting...AND, I am getting ready to do my next step...I'm really excited. I have been getting in four or five face to face meetings a week. The meeting I started is still going strong, and Im doing some 12stepping too, and It feels Brilliant...I feel worthy again, within myself... I am learning the programme, the language, and I feel so much a part of something so very special..

I have been "taking care" of myself in other ways too. I am working less hours than I was. I am not "accepting" things the way I normally do, I am standing up and asking questions If I feel something is not right or unfair....

My whole life has changed in the last few weeks. I have become an "Individual" again..I have a voice (lol can be bad sometimes)... The Ally who walked into the fellowship two years ago has started to disappear. And growing in her place is a "Strong, independent, confident young woman"....

I still have a lifetime of learning, I have issues with men, trust, relationships, etc...And in time I will work on them. Right now I am putting that all aside, all I am focused on is "Ally", "the programme", "my sponsor" "my fellowbuds" and my family".... All else a "day at a time"....

I have friends in both fellowships, and I am very "Lucky" and "greatful" to have that. We are all suffering an illness, we have a "special Understanding of eachother", yes, Alcoholics have, and are still  causing pain, fear, frustration in out lives. But in looking at myself I have caused, pain, frustration to my family, through my selfish, thoughless attitudes....(that was MY illness).

We all come into the fellowships for help, because our lives are "unmanageable" and we are "hurting"....I feared drinkers all my life...NOW, I sit in a room full of Alcoholics and I am "calm" and "serene" ..  I laugh my nut off with them, they are so, "happy" "joyous" and "Free",I never thought I would ever say that....lol

I think of people today who are living with "Active Alcoholism", the alcoholic, the families, friends, and I pray they will keep faith and hope some day it will change for them too....

So, for only 24 hrs at a time, I have to "let go, let god"....Pray for guidence to my HP....and believe I can get better.......


Missed all you guys.......But this is an honest programme, and, I have been out there having a ball....lol

Your crazy kid

Ally Girl