The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been trying to lift myself out of what can be simple panic, overwhelm and being fed up as well as loneliness.
I'm recognizing that the A makes choices. Right now he has chosen to contnue on with his crazy behavior. He has spent thousands and thousands of dollars destroying cars in the last few years. He chooses actively, daily to drive recklessly. He will not wear a seatbelt ever no matter what the fine is.
Right now I believe he is choosing to live in his car. That's his choice not mine.
A friend of mine told me that his brother died from alcoholism in the past few years. I know he spent very many years including moving back home to be with his family to try to save him.
Right now I'm making the assumption that the A is choosing to continue on with his active using and recklessly driving and living on the margins (if you can call being homeless that).
I have to choose to put my energy elsewhere. I've shored him up till I'm practically bankrupt. I'm tired, bone achingly tired of wondering what he will do next. I'm shut down the shutters about wanting to know where he is and what he is doing. I've also chosen right now not to give him much of my time. He hardly gives me anything does he?
I am tired of his intrigue, secrecy, messes and more messes. I am simply aboslutely sick to death of them. He cannot tell the truth even if he wants to because he has told so many lies he forgets what he has said.
This weekend I am choosing to spend time on me and my dogs. I am going to keep trying to make where I am living habitable for however long I have to stay there. I hope it won't be long but who knows how long and what it will take to repair my credit and get me to a place where I can rent something bigger.
I am choosing to stop being so isolated. I am choosing not to be overinvovled with people who don't give to me. I am choosing to say no to everything but taking care of me.
Choices are choices. I am choosing not to give the A anymore of my energy.
You know what got him off my mind? When I started taking classes. That in addition to work took up ALL my time and when I was done with one semester I had gotten to the point where I rarely think about him.
Yes, I think it would help you immensely to get involved in something that is just FUN for you, that isn't working your butt off to get out of debt and fending off your A.
It probably feels to you like you are doing everything you have the energy to do . . . but there is a store of untapped energy for HAVING FUN inside you, and it will give you more energy in other parts of your life, too!
I relate so much to much, much of your situation . . . the isolation, feeling like I was surrounded by dysfunctional people who just had their mouths open like baby birdies, begging me to feed them and then being exhausted.
Now that the A is gone, I realize not everyone around me is a moocher, drug addict or slimeball looking for a hand out. Ha, those were HIS friends! Not mine.
So now, creeping out of the woodwork, are these really nice, helpful, INTACT people. They didn't come around much while the A was still here (wonder why??).
I got invited to "join" a small group of single ladies who get together for a potluck once a month. They are involved in various community issues and play Uno into the wee hours.
A few months ago I would have run screaming from such an invitation, mainly because I was so immersed in my A's problems and my own because of him. But I jumped on it! I'm looking forward to it!!! I haven't played Uno since I was a kid.
Truthfully, I am desperate for contact, and I wasn't aware of it. Just positive interactions with people that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my set of problems.
Say open minded, it's weird, but if you do, stuff like this just "comes around" as opportunities. See what happens!
What great feedback. Thank you so much. I stumbled up on a short term part time job which allays some of my fear about money. I am so far in debt it is almost impossible to swim back. I need some extra work to tide me over into next year.
I am going to work on the weekend and that may be good in some ways although I would like to spend time trying to reorganize the tiny tny space I have.
I do so appreciate the love, concern and understanding I have here. I feel accepted in ways I never have been.
