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Didn't sleep all night. My life, but more importantly, the life of my kids is to change forever. I see us teetering on the edge of a cliff, and I just put us there beyond the safety bar with my impatient controlling behavior.
My ah put himself in the diversion program to "prove" he is clean. Okay, so I got what I wanted and I had to get more. It had no purpose. Why didn't I stop? A syringe (no needle-uses for oral drugs) came out of his jacket pocket on Sun. I should have let it go, he is getting help. We were starting to communicate more and doing okay. But no, stupid me has to talk to his sister and employee about it. Sis wants to keep him out of the carpool. He is furious and states what the syringe was for. Funny he didn't know on Sunday when I asked. Employee discusses what I said combined with missing drugs. He yelled at her and she quit. This is a big deal! She is the one who saved his butt for 6 yrs and finally helped get him in rehab. She was second in command; we need her. Not an easy position to fill. First major sign of business going down the tubes. Two more employees leaving in Jan, one moving and one having baby. Brand new building, in debt out our ears. Slow season. Ah has no management skills. I am now out of it. Afraid he will hire girlfriend for she used to work there and loved it. Diversion program starts next week. Ah definately wants divorce, said papers are being filed today. How does that work anyway?
He is adament he is not using. Doesn't matter, but I think he is. So subtle, I don't even know, just looking at behavior. Maybe I just hope he is so there is potential for change. I don't even know anymore.
Left tonight saying we will put house up for sale, for we will need the money to live on. Great, we will split the equity (what is left since big chunk went to new building) just so we can each pay rent somewhere? Just the thought stresses me out. House will need a lot of work for this market. Way to much stuff to clean out. How would I even begin? The money he put aside for his separate housing is almost gone.
Still "talks" to girlfriend, has possible dream of serious relationship when both out of theirs. This is a man with a doctorate. Does not seem to have any sense of how our lives will change forever. Our poor kids. Younger two sleep with me. 14 yr old in dabbling in dangerous behavior. I took his cell phone as punishment. He is threatening suicide. Left horrible poem on my bed last night. Ah says its my fault, just like his drug use is.
I have been so good about keeping distance since May when he moved out. I called him last night out of desperation. Something about talking to him dissolves all al-anon skills. I don't stick up for myself or state my truth. Don't know what it is. Spent whole time talking about how miserable I made him. Another stupid mistake.
I have huge responsibility in destruction of marriage. I brought a lot of baggage. My parents died when I was 7 and 11. Never grieved. Taken in by cousins, never physically nurtured and loved, but well taken care of. Everyone did the best they could under the circumstances. Can you imagine being 35 and going from 2 to 7 kids? Uh, not a lot of time for grieving kids. Anyhow, I never got help during marriage either even though we talked about it. Pretty much gave ah a sexless marriage. To be honest, I don't even know if it was just him or if I even know how to love in that way. I saw it coming, but was in denial I guess. I had plenty of time to make it right, how about 20 yrs! How could I be so insensitive and stupid? Can't go back and my children will pay the price.
I am getting counseling now. So much time spent on ah mess, not much on me. I have learned a lot from many sources and question if I could be different and if we could transform our relationship. Yes, I know it takes two so it doesn't matter anyway. My daughter tonite said she wants a perfect family and named ones she wants to be like. She then asked if I thought anyone wanted to be like us. Sigh...
Then there is the question of why I want it anyhow. Can't even answer that. I am willing to trudge ahead with him into recovery from addiction, but he has no willingness or capability to walk with me as I heal. I believe marriages can be transformed if both people do the work to change. Ah is convinced we can't be different people and that is what we need. Maybe his is right.
Don't know how we can end this mess without destruction. Perfect example of getting everything we ever wanted and it means nothing. Simple is so much better. Only hope is to sell building and land, do nothing with business and maybe walk away even. Can't even imagine...
Thanks for being here. I know I receive so much more than I give on this board. Right now I can hardly focus to be able to read and I certainly don't have any es or h to offer.
Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:24, 2007-10-18
-- Edited by Loupiness at 09:25, 2007-10-18
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I can tell you what you have not done...you have not had syringes fall out of your pocket, you have not lied, cheated, or threatened the financial well being of your family by choosing alcohol and/or drugs over everything else. What you have done is react to the utter chaos created by addiction in the best way you knew how at the time. What else could you do?
Sorting through the mess is not pleasant, but just do your best to take one thing at a time, one day at a time. You don't have to figure it all out today. If your AH falls on his face in the process, so be it.
I can totally relate to what you are going through with debt, business floundering, child at risk. I spent my 4-mile walk this morning crying over what steps to take to begin working my way out of this disaster. Sometimes a good walk and a good cry will work wonders.
I hear a lot of guilt from you about what this is doing to your children. I felt that way too shortly after leaving my A. Especially around Christmas and I went way overboard. That Christmas will never be equaled! I had guilt for a while about walking away from 2/3 of the income and taking them with me. Somehow I felt that just getting by wasn't good enough, I wanted to give them everything. Problem is, now I see that everything is not what they need, in fact that is what destroys them. What they need is someone who is reliable, consistent, gets up and does what they have to to get thru each day and love them. I have heard so many stories about things he said/did to the kids within the past few months that I never knew. I guess now they feel safe to open up since it appears I'm not going back and it's been a good long time.
I think you're taking a lot of blame that doesn't belong to you! You are not to blame for this, you are not the addict, you are not the cheater, there is no shame for you only for him. You are right that things are going to get worse before they get better but they WILL get better! When I left my addict I held on for so long to the hope or fantasy more like denial and delusion that he would get better and it could be like it was in the beginning. The longer I went on about my merry way the more I realized that I am happier without him! I know in the beginning having a lower standard of living is a scary thought but it's not so bad and I'm doing great with it. Mind you I'm looking for a second job because i can't rely on him for anything but we are all happy and healthy. You'll muddle your way through this don't be afraid to take help, apply for services, etc. if you need to.
(((((Lou))))) first take a breath. Nothing is as bad as it now seems. God is watching over all and is there to catch you. You just have to give it to God. We may not understand how things can possibly work out but he does. Give it some time and move back to the basics. Breath, eat, sleep, work the steps, take care of you and your kids. Just because you don't know what is out there does not mean it is bad.
I have been at the mouth of the abyss that you describe. I year ago I thought all was lost. With God's grace we are still a family and are healing. There is hope...rest on it.
I agree, you are assuming too much responsibility.
Your very tragic childhood loss of your parents DID NOT "make" your AH do or say anything he has done (use drugs/alcohol, have extramarital relations). Plenty of people have tragic childhoods, and their husbands are supportive in their healing!
A "sexless marraige" is ALSO no excuse for an affair! It does happen, though, but a healthy, normal husband wouldn't continue to flaunt it in your face, and would catch himself long before he destroyed his family for his other woman.
I know I was not "perfect" as a wife to my exA. I had plenty of neurotic problems that affected our relationship. But I NEVER was unfaithful, even emotionally (it's a wonder), and I consistently supported him through thick and thin until it was clear he would take me down with him and STILL blame me for the end. I did not constantly critisize him, lie to him, hide my activities from him, and tell him he was "imagining things". When he wanted to talk, I was right there sitting in front of him attentively (in hopes he was finally coming around). I ignored and glossed over so much bad behavior on his part . . . because I loved him with my heart and soul. Even though b/c of his disease and mental problems he could not return the tiniest bit of concern my way.
This is a trap we fall into, us loved ones of A's. Unless we are the type of person to take on wayyy more responsibility than we have, how else could we endure as long as we do??
And when you have a person you love deeply, and they lie, publically disrespect us with an affair, tell us we are blowing stuff out of proportion, IT HURTS us, and we sink further into helplessness and self recrimination.
What have you done???
You have stood by your cheating philandering drug addicted husband for the sake of your children and your way of life. You have sacrificed your self respect to keep some semblance of "normality" for your children. You have continued to love him and put extreme effort into the relationship with a marraige encounter program and personal counseling. You have expressed dismay and fear by his continued drug abuse. You have over looked outright LIES about his drug use and philandering. You have taken on the burden of what other's might think of you, and kept it all under wraps to protect your children.
Yeah, you're really a bad person Lou!!
You've been TOO GOOD, Lou. Too compassionate, too willing to put yourself aside for the sake of your marraige and children.
Girl, you need to get angry. This is not your fault. No lack of sex or bitchiness ever, ever deserves this.
We tend to inflate our own badness, which results in putting up with way too much abuse. Stop now!
Protect yourself and those kids. It's HIS fault his coworker quit, this is the kind of stuff that will happen because of his actions. His coworker has great boundaries. She is a good example of someone who takes care of herself.
You need some serious validation for yourself. What you are taking on is NOT yours! I hope you'll see that soon.
(((((((((((((((((((lou)))))))))))))))))))))) I want to suggest again an f2f meeting where they do actual physical hugs - I bet hugs you can feel would do you a world of good. Any chance of counseling for the 14 year old? For your little girl, maybe - partly as proof that Mom is hearing her - something like, "yeah, I kinda don't want to be like us either right now, it doesn't feel too great, does it. I'm trying to learn different ways of acting and looking at things so we CAN be a family that other families want to be like." You know what I noticed in your post? At first it's all about him - what he's doing, what he might be thinking. Then you start talking about you.
I agree with all the replies. A "sexless" marriage still takes 2 to make it that way. If you were being listened to, respected in other areas, and sharing the stresses of family, maybe you would have occasionally been "in the mood". You have kids so there was some sex. Hon, that was not your fault. For me, if I can think of things as "my fault" or "my responsibility" then I have hope that it will change because then I can change it. After all, it's mine, I can make it better. But when it comes to the addicts in my life, it's NOT mine therefore I CAN't fix it. It is so incredibly hard for me to let go and grieve.
As for the kids, they will be as ok as you are. If you say "well, this is it. This is our family. And it is a beautiful family because we have each other and we always will." then, they might be able to start accepting that this is the reality and it really isn't that bad. It has taken me alot of time to feel ok with my family and they way it has changed. I used to literally throw up before dinner because I was so upset that my family wasn't the way it used to be. It took a couple of months but there came a time when I was sitting at dinner, just me and the kids, and we were laughing and enjoying each other's company and it was good. It was ok.
You are going to get thru this and it is NOT your fault. You do realize that you have done everything you can think of to help your marriage? You don't hold up the moon, you don't control the weather, it is NOT your fault that this highly educated man is a fool with a disease. I promise you it isn't. Wether you stay married, get divorced, whatever, you can be ok, your kids can be ok. You can do it, you have been have doing it!
I absolutely agree with every poster. I'm not sure why you listen to his "this is all your fault" BS. Nothing could make me stick a needle in my arm if I didn't choose to, no matter what!! The same for the infidelity. Leave that crap with him where it belongs.
My other thought was that since this is his idea to divorce and sell the house there is no way that what it takes to do so should be all on you. If that's what he wants you should not be the only one that is going through things and preparing for the sale. This was his call, he can deal with it too.
In fact, since you know it's going to come to this.....you might consider getting your stuff boxed up when the time comes and leaving everything else to him. Just a thought. I just hate to see him making all the calls and you running around like a mad woman to make it happen. My suggestion is to simply only take on what is yours.
As far as your kids, it will be hard but they too will adjust as time goes on. I think with the 14 yr old I would sit down with him and validate his feelings but certainly not his actions. Drugs and suicide threats are his reaction to what is happening. Maybe talk with him about alternative healthier ways he could deal with it? He for sure will tell you he doesn't need professional help but I'd remind him that suicide threats are no joke nor a healthy way of dealing with problems. I think if you can become a united front, a team, and allow everyone to speak their mind and hurts then brainstorm ways to make "what is" better it may help all involved. First they need to accept the things they cannot change and understand that all the wishing and retaliation in the world won't change what is about to come down. Maybe then everyone can move forward.
This too shall pass,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Can't agree more with everybody - why is having a healthy marriage all your job?
You can't have a marriage all by yourself, even if you were perfect (if your daughter is older than three, it's time for her to realize that nobody has a perfect life - if she wants a better one, she can start working on making her own better as of now.)
Holding the marriage together was not all your job, its failure is not all your fault. Dealing with the fallout is not all your job either - if he actually goes through with filing (my experience is that A's are all talk and threats, no action) he can take on fixing up the house for sale, helping to deal with the kids' emotional baggage, etc. Please don't fall for his BS - just because he throws all this at you. does not mean that you have to pick it up. You know what parts are yours - I am sure you were not blameless, you are human. Take responsibility for what you did wrong, and move on.
So many good replies here. Let me just add my in. Addicts love blaming other people for their troubles. But as I once told AH: "I don't remember just me saying my vows. I don't remember it being just me when we talked of future plans. I don't remember it being just me, arguing into thin air. There was another person present for all those monents and that person was you!"
Accepting my part in my relationship is a part of my recovery. But I refuse to blamed for everything. I didn't make him pick up a drink. I didn't make him crash the car. I won't die for his disease either physically or emotionally. I do play a role in his disease. I absolutely accept that responsibility. But it's not my fault. It took me a long time to accept the fact. If he wants to believe otherwise, so be it. But in my heart I know the truth.
It is usually the addicts with the PHDs, the super intelligent ones that have the hardest time with recovery. They question everything! They analyze everything. My AH use to make pharmaceuticals (thank goodness he was never a drug addict) so when the would prescribe him meds in rehab, he would question who was the maker, etc. When they talked of behavior, like the good old medical anthropolgist he is, he talked of models and methodology. It use to drive the councelors nuts! Why couldn't he just accept things? He's even told me that he wished he wasn't that way. It made recovery so difficult for him. There's that intellectual side of him that would say he could do it without help. Well him landing in the hospital last year, finally made a dent in that thick intellectual skull of his (sort of). So here again, this is not your fault. You are not responsible for how he thinks. No point arguing with him. You won't win, and what's the point of it?
Your recovery is about you and for you. It has to be. It's the only way we don't get sucked all the way down with his disease. Please continue to find some meetings in your area. They can be so helpful. I have also found a support group that is not Alanon based, that when I couldn't get to a meeting, was great just for support. It was sharing experiences. It was knowing that I was not alone. Keep working at your recovery. It is so worth it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
in. Addicts love blaming other people for their troubles. But as I once told AH: "I don't remember just me saying my vows. I don't remember it being just me when we talked of future plans. I don't remember it being just me, arguing into thin air. There was another person present for all those monents and that person was you!" 
Why couldn't he just accept things? He's even told me that he wished he wasn't that way. It made recovery so difficult for him. There's that intellectual side of him that would say he could do it without help. Well him landing in the hospital last year, finally made a dent in that thick intellectual skull of his (sort of). So here again, this is not your fault. You are not responsible for how he thinks. No point arguing with him. You won't win, and what's the point of it? 