The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I managed to get angry that I have to live as I do. I am so sick of living around people who are thoughless and disrespectful. I am grateful to have a roof over me and the pets heads but I live around some people who are totally self absorbed (needless to say they are addicts of some sort).
I got angry and felt better. I am not sure why when I go into depression that I feel hopeless and overwhelmed and then when I get angry I feel vital and focused. I dont feel that great being angry but I prefer it to depression. I hope there is some other feeling because all I've felt at the A for years is anger and grief.
Maresie, I have touted this idea for a long time. Anger can be good for the soul, can sort out your thoughts, and give you the drive you need to do what must be done. A bit of anger goes a long way in allowing you to see situations for what they truly are, and it gives you the strength to say, "By God, I am not having that anymore!"
You say you don't feel "that great" being angry. It is not a sin to be angry. It is not a forbidden emotion. It is one we must deal with, let it run its course, and go on.
I wish you well as always. You go!!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Getting angry "in the right direction" has saved my sanity, Maresie.
I have a tendency toward depression and being negative in my thoughts. And so I hear, depression IS anger, but turned inward toward myself.
Anger is a signal, it's a reflex, like throwing out your arm when you lose your balance.
Anger is trying to tell you something ain't right. The energy you get from anger is so you can DO something about what ain't right.
I'm furious, if I think about it, that I'm in the position I'm in because of drug addiction and abuse by my exA. I know I'll be in "acceptance" one day, hopefully sooner than later. I'm angry but there's nothing I can DO about what happened. So I have to be careful, get physical activity every day, and do nice things for me every day. It's helping. I turn it over to HP.
I think one of the things I am angry about is that the A could care less about my welfar or the dogs welfare. he is fully aware we live in a tiny tiny space. He knows it is incredilbly hard for me to manage the dogs and work. He offers nothing but pain and suffering. That is all he's offered this entire year. Mess mess and more mess. He is so deep in legal problems (he get tickets every single month) he is in incredible denial about it. He spent my money on his legal problems without asking me. He takes advantage of everyone. I am sick of hearing people complain about him.
I know as Kim suggest I have to detach and accept wherre I am. Nevertheless it is very very painful.
I know anger picks me up sometimes too and it helps you feel justified when you feel unsure in the beginning. I still get it sometimes. It's a good energy anger doesn't have to be negative.
No, your A doesn't have concern for you, he barely has any for himself, look at how he is living!
A "normal", healthy man separated from his SO would be concerned and would express concern, even during separation. Love doesn't die. I'll always care what happens to my ex in spite of his lack of caring for me and my welfare. But he didn't care about my welfare whether he was here or not. His disease was/is too severe. And I can't wish away that fact.
Yeah, it SHOULD be different, but it isn't :( .
His AA sponsor is pressuring him to get me a load of firewood. Having enough firewood is like basic life support during the winters up here. This is how the ex is making money right now, going out into the forest daily, and selling the cut rounds.
The AA guy apologized to me for doing this, but said "I hope you understand it is more important for you to have wood than just about anything, right?" I agreed, even though I doubt I'd let the exA pee on me if I was on fire . . . I thanked him, and we agreed we'd both be SHOCKED if he actually did this.
My ex thinks I am punishing him by not dissolving the RO and letting him come back home. I accidentally (hee hee) got a copy of his "defense" to my ex parte saying I lied to the police way back in July. According to the grapevine, he is very angry and whining and asking everybody what he should do, winter is coming, and his biotchy wife is keeping him from his home.
Yeah, he cares as much about me now as he ever did. That is a very hard thing to accept, he likely never DID care, it was all my projection and need for him, and my assumption he was "normal" (he is NOT).
There is my acceptance anyway. A very, very hard pill to swallow. That my relationship was one sided and probably always was.
You'll get there, and don't be hard on yourself, these things are almost too hard to face.
there was a time not so far back that I hung on to my anger like a life-jacket. I tucked it neatly and securely aroung me and felt that it kept me safe from the pain that would surely come if I let go. I believed that without the anger I would drown in this addiction and the swell of people that it consumes. I was angry at my addict husband, angry at his enabling parents, angry at God, angry at myself, just angry.
Slowly, without my notice little pieces of the anger have been torn from my jacket and have floated away. I was not aware that they were gone until I read your post today. Maybe anger is like sand. The tighter we hold it the less we can keep in our hand.
Ya know, I thrive on the anger I feel towards my AH. It helps me get things done. I get MAD...good and MAD and prove to myself that I CAN DO THIS WITHOUT HIM!!!
My problem is eventually the anger fades and I start into a little depression. That is when my AH manages to slip back into my life, swoop me off my feet and start the whole cycle over again.
Then after a while of fighting this natural occurance of this cycle, I relax a bit. I let the good times roll so to speak. I settle into the fact that it probably won't last but might as well take what I can get. That is where I am now.
The problem is that each time I slip into that anger part, I move further away from our relationship and more into my own life. Then I revert back but never quite as much. I figure eventually I will move far enough away that I won't drift back. It is a wait & see kind of thing.
QOD: I have a cycle pretty similar. I have not spent very much time with the A for a long long time now. Months really. I let him back in when he was homeless. He is homeless again as far as I know. I put up pretty solid boundaries. On Monday he brought some stuff to me. He wanted to spend the evening. I am tired enough to say No.
I belive I am at a place where I can say no now I could not before. I was deathly afraid before of what was ahead of me. I am not now. I know I can survive anything. I do not intend to move backwards anymore. I gave the A something to eat on Monday that was it. I didn't loan him money or even enquire about his wellbeing. He is making his own choices they are not part of my life anymore.
