The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
oh oh, not more thinking..... (David, I missed this weeks meeting of thinkers anonymous-oops) Enjoyed your post a lot on that too!!
similar routine or cycle every few weeks for me but this time I got to the point where I have chosen depression or anger in the past and I was aware of my unconscious automatic reaction. Got stuck on so what do I do instead? and I did nothing but get through it. Wouldn't allow myself to entertain thoughts that let me lead myself down with negative self talk. Anger in this case, just hurt me so it was easy to detach from AH as gone; didn't take it out on others like kids or innocent bystanders; and didn't take it out on myself by beating myself up about handling this all better like some superwoman or happy tv sitcom mom.
All that unused energy though seemed to exhaust me. Through a series of family events I figgured out I have recently been turning this unused energy from not choosing anger or depression in to anxiety and I sleep to not face it or sleep to get rid of the fear of a panic attack. Sometimes I make myself physically sick - how crazy can I be?!?
So after 5 mini crisis today, which I handled a bit better with some alanon tools so I can see improvement, I dissolved into anxiety and resting to calm a panic attack. Here's the good news I hope, I think I am understanding even more this option I have of choices to choose being happy. Not falling victim to every crisis, but rising to the test of the crisis to be happy anyway. Also instead of choosing depression or anger, I could choose joy by doing something that brings me joy. Sounds way better than anxiety and fear of what might happen. Back to one day, one moment at a time and making good choices. Never even considered happy or joy as an option after a crisis, still doesn't seem quite logical but probably a bad habit of 'shoulding' on myself. Like you shouldn't be happy now.
What wierded me out is I caught a small snippet of Oprah later on that talked about 'joy' literally releases something in our bodies that conteracts inflamation on the cellular level. Inflamation on the cellular level is what causes headaches, stomachaches etc and if not stopped by less stressful and more balanced lifestyle, this inflamation on the cellular level continues to get worse and turn in to high blood pressure, artheritis and the more common ailments.
The show went to commercial, my doorbell rang and there was my friend who wanted to drop off a little bit of "joy" for me. Her note said "all will be well" and it was a candle. This little light and warmth makes me feel I might just be on the right track for me........ and starting to hear the music of the twilight zone theme. Maybe God is yelling "do you hear me yet?" singing praises now.....
hugs from ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Stay at it.... what I hear in your share is growth. That is wonderful! Changing our lives and attitudes is hard work and it takes time and effort. You are doing great!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well ya know ddub, us thinkers gotta just take things one day at a time, eh?
Look for progress, not perfection...and be open to those little ooga booga moments (what a friend of mine refers to as the moments when she absolutely KNOWS her HP is touching her).
I am with RTexas! I can just feel the principals at work in you!
Like I heard somewhere the other day at a meeting (I think) "I recognized I was getting better when I caught myself beating myself up, for beating myself up about something!"
I remember when I first started posting here I had a post called constant state of panic attack. This was right after I left the A and I had tons of anxiety. You know what? It all worked out, it has been over a year, I have managed to get by day to day and the panic attacks are few and far between now. When I thought I saw the A at my work 2 weeks ago that threw me into one, but otherwise - nothing. I think the better you get the less they happen. I also remember resenting his "freedom" my being "burdened" with the kids, etc. and now I see it for what it really is.
Thank you ALL for your support and encouragment. It means a lot and having acknowledgement of what I say and think is something I crave.
I know what you mean about AH's freedom vs burden of kids......... I just realized how little joy there is here in our family. I love being able to attend things with the kids or do things with them but I haven't considered it a joy for ages because the AH does not like to attend or participate. He feels I do too much or do things that are not interesting to adults etc and I have accepted his feelings of negativity as truth about myself. Good heavens, no more of that.
I too can see it for what it is now and the AH will miss so much. I love making memories with my kids.......... would love for him to also be part of these memories but I let go of that a long time ago. If he attends out of guilt, he ruins it for everyone else in the family by being so negative. I have some joy planned tonight - a football game against rival schools in our city with our two sons. Exciting!! especially with choosing joy rather than being blah about going alone....... sons are with friends and stop back now & then, ya know how that is! LOL
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Enjoyed your post a lot on that too!!
