The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've stood on my head for 7 years with the A worrying, obsessing, trying to work out what he is doing. I saw him recently to get my bike (I"m glad I got it even though it needs some work on it). As usual it was the same intrigue number. He has some of his stuff somewhere that is obvious. I don't know where that is and I dont think I need to know anymore. I once brought some of my stuff down to the place he eventually moved to. He gave me some of that but held onto some of it. I am going to let that stuff go. Dealing with him on any level is so so stressful.
I am now feeling left. He obviously has used a great deal of the money he got from the truck to pay off some of his fines. He's already got tickets in the car he's acquired. I dont' even care to know what they are but I know he would have had to pay off the others and pay for insurance and more otherwise there would be no car. So in essence he's used all my money (that paid for the truck) to deal with his dyfunctional behavior. For years I've allowed him to project it all onto me bait me and accuse me as being the source of all his problems. Now he is on his own he is drowning and it wont' be long before ths car goes too.
In the meantime I'm left in a sea of debt from having held him up all year long. He's worked for like 5 minutes the entire year (I've never known him to be this bad before). He could go to his uncles but chooses not to. As usual he spends days and weeks moving his stuff. He can't just do it, it has to take for ever. He is the worlds worst mover. I am so so glad I do not have to deal with him on a daily basis anymore. At the same time I'm lost without him. I have to care for the dogs alone which is a huge task when you're working long hours. I have to clean up, shop and take care of myself. I'm used to that being a never ending negotiation/fight/blow up between us. I am left with a huge hole where there is nothng much to fill it up. My housemates are at best dysfunction. There are two people who are really problematic and i've decided my only recourse is to try to avoid them at all costs. That means I have to find somewhere else to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm hoping one of them will move out as he is in financial difficulty and has a girlfriend who seems to take him on regularly. That would be a huge relief.
I think the issue of focusing on myself is difficult because I really dont' know where to go. All the things in my life seem insurmountable. I'm in debt to my eyeballs. I live somewhere I don't exaclty like and I am incredibly isolated. I've tried to reach out and not got very far with it. I tend to get overwhelemd with just trying to make the small space I have habitable and taking care of the dogs and cats. I have no social life to speak of. I haven't had one for years.
I spend a lot of time looking for more work and trying to work out how to pay my bills. I've made some headway but I'm sitll in deep trouble. I need medical and dental work and can't work out ways to get it without going into more debt. I have no insurance and the issue is I can't take off work too mcuh because just taking one day off to look for the dog was a huge issue. Needless to say I can't exactly take off work much anyways because I am so incredibly broke and in debt.
I know things are far better for me than they were. I have more stability I have this room. I have options. I just don't like my options. I feel like I can anticipate my needs but I also know I feared very much being in this place, being alone, poor and isolated and living marginally.
I may well have to be here in this place for a long long time and I don't much like it but blaming the A and resenting him and obsessing about he put me here doesn't get me anywhere.
Boy do I relate with your last paragraph. It could describe my situation to a T.
I'm sitting on a farm broke with no money coming in, and with all the animals, no real way to leave them for hours a day to work (at least for the next couple of months, maybe less).
Let's put it this way . . . somehow I am still eating, and so are they. That is about it.
There are outstanding bills that will just have to wait.
But I'm free of him. I would rather be dead broke and worried about generating income while juggling a farm than have his constant drama and abuses.
In reality, the stresses you and I are going through don't seem that much better than the torments living with our As, at least on the surface.
What I've needed to do is change a lot of my thinking. It hasn't been easy. This time last year I was rolling in dough. I had no debt. I could buy a new car or ATV just by writing a check or flashing my visa. Now, I put every single penny I find in a basket on principle. It's money, I need it, hey, great, I found a dime!
I've had to deliberately focus on what joys I do have. There are more than meets the eye as long as I forget about the exA. Yeah, he put me here (I helped by going along with him in denial), and I'm angry because of it. I'm 42 years old and starting over again.
I was folding my towels today and thought, "I'm 42 years old, and I should have NICE towels by now, no kids to stain them, yada yada. I should have throw rugs from Kohl's, at least."
Then two puppies start tug o war with one of my socks. How delightful are puppies playing? They are so pleased with simple things . . . like my socks. I look around the front room and there is almost an entire skeleton (of something) in here, they just keep bringing stuff in.
There is serious life going on here. I have NO money, and am living on spit and paperclips. But having money like I did is not everything, no way is it. I have peace and company, my neighbor wants to shoot my dog, and winter is coming. But I have PEACE now, if only I want to notice it.
Letting go of my exA has been a long drawn out process. I think it just takes time and practise. I need to remind myself every day that he's gone and I'm done and now what?
Sorry for the e-book, but your post really struck me. Thanks for posting it :)
I totally agree Kim. It is lonley without the A but SO much better if I want to look at it. Maresie, I am always so impressed with how you are working your way out of debt. I'm still not there. I am still counting my chickens before they hatch....Myabe I should get some chickens.....how much do they pay for eggs Kim? Since I left my A I have been a much better mother. When I was with him I was never the mother I wanted to be. I was constantly focused on him. What was he doing, with whom, what could I do/say to make him happy so that he would treat us better/keep his job/take care of the kids/etc. Without him, I am completly free to watch my kids grow up. That is the best thing in the world. You are free, Maresie!
A buck a dozen 'round these parts (yeeehaw), but if you have a yard you could sell free range organic eggs for three or four bucks a dozen in your parts ;)
Hon, do you go to f2f? This would be the time to start, if you don't. Fill that hole with some healthy people - lots of groups go for coffee after the meeting, people get together outside the meetings...... It's a place to start.
Here's what I have figured out. You're with the A and it sucks. You leave and it's really good for a bit and then the giant open festering hole of loneliness and whatever it was that kept you with them for so long is opened up and it stays there until you fully deal with it and honestly learn to love yourself and be satisfied with your life (money issues aside). Then it starts to get better and the hole is filled with new interests (watching movies, surfing the web, thrift store shopping, cleaning and taking care of all those things you wanted him to do but he never did anyway, being a better mom, etc.) Then the hole gets smaller and smaller and instead of looking for another "someone/something" to fill the hole, it becomes full of you and pride in yourself and your accomplishments.
I was just thinking about how my life had been like the Matrix and after leaving I was rudely unplugged and droped into the ugly reality. It took a while to accept that this was reality and that I had been living in a made up world in my head (denial or stupid hope), it was hard to face that I had done much of this to myself by putting on the blinders, staying and living on sheer hope for change, etc. Now just like in the movie, the real world is ugly and scary at first but as you begin to make friends and realize that reality is better than what was and find your place in the new world then life gets better. A lot of this is accepting that life is not always what I want it to be, I have to do things I don't want to do sometimes to get through but I am confident that I will persevere and eventually thrive.
I guess my point is that after leaving it's very hard to deal with everything that comes up in those months after but if you face them and deal with each thing and come to accept that this is the way it is, life goes on and it's better than the chaos of living with an A then you come through the other side much better. Keep pushing on! Keep the focus on you and what YOU can do! Visit the past but don't live there!
I always feel so much better for ocming here and laying it all out there. I feel relieved, confident and loved. That helps so much when I feel so much at sea. This stuff is some of what I was so afraid of when I lived with the A. The unknown.
