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I'm writing out a will by hand because I started thinking. What would happen if I died? Would my alcholic husband get custody? That scares the snot out of me. I want my sister and her husband to get them but I'm not sure if that will happen because he would be drunk and fight. I don't plan on dying anytime soon but I wanted to cross my T's and dot my I's just in case. It's always good to have a plan. Any advice?
I have been thinking the same thing lately. Two of my kids would not go to him but my son would and I would prefer they all go together to my mom. I think she would fight for custody, at least I hope she would. I think if you are still married and have not applied for full custody then he would automatically get the kids even if there was a will. Just my thought, no legalities.
I actually went through this, and I DID go to a lawyer. I found out some pretty painful advice. A child's father has equal rights to the child, so if one parent dies the other parent AUTOMATICALLY gets full custody. You simply cannot write a will that violates the law, it is null and void. You can't write illegal contracts and you can't give other peopls rights that supercede the law. My lawyer told me that I can however say in my will who I want to have custody in case their father died or was in jail or incapacitated. The judge WILL look at that.
Sort of like if you buy a house and you have a mortgage like most people. Well, you can't write a will giving the house to anyone, since it is not really yours, it belongs to the bank until it is paid in full. Now you CAN leave your PRINCIPAL to another person, or what you owe on the house, but you can't give your mortgage to someone, the bank does NOT have to contract with someone else for the house. The probate court CAN order the house sold, the balance paid to the bank, and whatever is left over (if anything, it depends on the market) to your heirs since they can inherit the principal you have already paid on the house. The bank looked at you and liked your credit enough to make a deal with you, you can't force them to loan money to another person. Sometimes this works out and the other person has to take over the payments, but you did not leave them a house...you left them a MORTGAGE.
There are exceptions of course, like if the father is homeless (and that means not having any relatives who take him in, but is really living on the streets) and even then they can clean themselves up and get custody back.
I think this is something alanon can really help with. We get so used to taking control, controlling our households to protect the kids from the alcholic that it becomes a way of life and we can't let go. We also have to understand that alcoholics can get better, and maybe the death of a parent and sudden custody can help alcoholics to have a stronger motivation to get sober.
A will should focus on us getting OURSELVES in order! Arranging for your debts to be paid off, not making more debt than your assets can cover, making sure there is money for your burial and you don't become a burden to relaitves to pay for your proper burial. Also, decide on who gets your THINGS, not people. Divide your posessions amongst your children and your close relatives.
It is hard to let go of control, we feel we need to control the situation even after our death!!!
I wish I could sugar coat this but I can't. My lawyer told me "The time to decide on who will get your kids when you die is the day you decide to get impregnated by someone, whoever that person is, THAT will be who gets your kids when you die...because they are just as much HIS kids, whether you like it or not.". OUCH!!!
Alanon helped me to let go of control and stop worrying so much about controling things after I die, like who gets my kids, and realizing that a will is the ultimate "keeping my side of the street clean" and is about ME!!!
I have worked on keeping my debts down and have life insurance so my burial is not a burden to family members. That is what a will is about. But remember, my lawyer did allow me to make allowances for who gets the kids if something happened to my husband. That is when I DO have some control after I die. My lawyer suggested I have a at least three choices. For me, choice number one was my Mom, number two was my sister, and number three was my brother and his wife. Of course these people have to AGREE!!! That was in the will too, that I had asked them and they had agreed and had the means to do so.
So, just worry more about your debts, your assets, and make sure that have life insurance to cover your burial and that your personal posessions are distributed the way you like, then think about who you want to care for your kids in case both parents die.
Hey, it happens...my brother's best friend's wife died from breast cancer at age 33 (rare, but she was a serious chain smoker) and then he got shot at work in a random sniper shooting while getting into his car to go home and died. Their Grandma is taking care of the two kids. Whoever thought that the healthy young Dad would die too? Stuff happens...be prepared.
Oh, and it waa very cheap. I got a free 1/2 consultation a lawyer who specializes in this stuff and came prepared with questions, like the custody stuff and what happens to my debts etc. after I die.
Then, after I got the important questions answered, I got a book at the library and wrote it myself, according to the law, and then went back and had MY lawyer look it over and witness it and file it with the courts. I don't remember how much it cost because I added it onto payments I already owed him for my divorce. I think it was less than $100.00 since all he did was look it over and witness it and file it at the court house.
Thank you for the advice everyone. The one thing I will never let control on are my children. It is my job as their mother to make sure they are safe even after I am dead. I will also go to the library and do the will myself. Good idea. Thank you. mwah.
If their father is horribly irresponsible, sick, and awful and has no relationship with the children so they won't miss him, maybe you should look into terminating his parental rights?
This would be the time to do that, now that you are alive, well, and healthy!
It is very hard to do, and seldom done, but if he is that horrible that you are so concerned, perhaps you need to seriously look into it.
I was able to do this eventually, for my own piece of mind, but I can tell you it was the hardest thing I have evern done. It took years of efforts and THOUSANDS of dollars and years of legal fighting. We worked night and day to pay for it.
My oldest was nearly grown when it was finally over and done with, but it was worth it for my piece of mind. Then I was able to rewrite my will leaving my children to people I considered suitable if something happened to me.
When you see a lawyer about it, make sure you take any documentation that you have proving he is an unfit father if you have it.
Hope things work out for the best for you and your children!
