I have done a lot of good things as a mom but being human I have been a poor role model of things I am weak about myself.  I haven't really shared all that I have learned through al anon but I want to try now.  I have taken pieces from several types of new understanding I have learned.  It may not fit or be correct for you, I am not judging or labeling you but explaining how I had some wrong ideas.  If you relate to something or want more info, let me know because more info might explain it better.... for now this is an overview.  I am hoping it will be of some help to you in dealing with people like I have found it has helped me very slowly.
 
Al Anon, I think you know is about how to react to other people, about ourselves and not about others.  This is a nutshell of what I have learned and try to work at.  Being detached with love so others can be who they are and I can be who I am puts the control of what I do only on myself.  Growing up in my family, I thought taking care of others was how you loved them.  I was shocked to learn I had a fantasy of what love "should" be for myself that blocked me from dealing with reality or my real life - it is what it is! 
 
I also shocked myself, learning how much I try to control others.  I knew I did some, but compared to my sister, I thought I had improved myself.  I learned it is not the quantity of controlling others but the reason I controlled - I thought I was loving others.  So I was stumped at what is love? or how do I show I care about friends and family?
 
I finally figured it out that love was accepting others as who they are and who they want to be.  How can I know what another should do? or interfere in what they go through to determine their destiny? I can share my own experience, strength and hope but their experience will be different so my advice would not be correct for others. I am still working on doing this - a work in progress.
 
We have all heard that one needs to love them self before they can love others but I finally learned why.  I gave a lot of my power away re what I wanted to do because first I wanted to care for my family or love my family so there was not any time left to love myself.  I  gave away what I learned to be locus of control which is where you place the power to influence how you feel about yourself and others. 
 
I ran out of time to love myself because I used up all my time caring for others to show I loved them.  I was controlling others to be what I thought my fantasy of love should be - I now know that accepting others is how to love them.   I focus on the things that make them so great, so lovable  and such a unique/special part of my life - a blessing!   I can only do that by practicing how to love and accept myself in a kind way. Plus I work at courage to change myself to be a better person.  I can only control myself, change myself and love myself the way I need to be loved.  I didn't feel loved if others didn't approve, appreciate or include/recognize  me.  Those are all things I now have time to do for myself and am trying to learn how to believe in myself and enhance my own self esteem.
 
I did not understand this and did not role model this to my children so I am sharing this now not as advice but as sharing my experience, strength and hope for you.  Take only what you want and leave the rest behind.
 
I can tell you what a smart, kind, thoughtful, successful, understanding, creative, strong, beautiful, witty and fun to be with person that I know you are but most of all I want you to know this about yourself.  I think down deep you know this but I never showed you that it was more than ok to love all that you are about yourself.  I am so blessed and ecstatic to have you in my life and you are one of my very very very favorite people in my entire life.
 
I know you have too much to read but this is something I wanted to share with you for quite awhile.  Tonight seemed time so that you have this to reread or to read the following.  There is additional info below related to the words I highlighted above.  I will be sending you lots of positive vibes and prayers and of corse my cyber hugs.
 
I love you! and I love myself just the way I am plus how I am changing myself for the better.