The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry it took me a bit to respond to my post from yesterday. I wanted to be sure you all know how much I appreciate your input.
Christy- Your positive attitude is infectious. I am feeling very numb for the moment when it comes to intimacy of any kind. My A is really starting to open up wonderfully, and I can talk shop with him about recovery issues, but I realize that I am not able at this point to be open with him much about me. I can tell him how I feel about specific issues that come up, but that seems to be the best I can do for now. I think that is ok. Thank you for reminding me that this is the part I have some control over. I can choose to work through and face down the abuse and not let it define me.
Maresie- I relate completely to the rescue thing. I have realized that this is the first time I have ever lived by myself, ever. I always have caretaken someone so they would take care of me. My AH and I were both so needy that we smothered and sucked the life from each other.
Kim- I was talking to a friend yesterday about trust and we realized that both of us had put our trust in someone who had never earned it. It was like I dont know anything about you so you must be trustworthy. Then when they werent we justified and made excuses because we cared for this person they wouldnt really do bad things to hurt us. How naive is that? Yes I do think we are growing up. And I do think the pain will become an memory. I look forward to it.
Serendipity- I have begun to think like that. I fretted about the decision to get a divorce. Then I realized that I would know when it was time, and I knew it wasnt yet, so I could stop worrying about it. And I have finally gotten completely honest with myself, and him too. I know I cant trust him. Without beating him over the head with it, I remind myself and am not hiding the fact from him. He knows that I have serious reservations. I have also told him that, his getting back into the house is not at all entirely up to him and his efforts to straighten up. There is a lot of healing to be done on my part before I can even consider it. His program has to go forward for his own welfare, regardless of my feelings or future decisions regarding our marriage.
So thank you all for your support. I really need to break out of the funk I am in lately, but I think it is part of the process. I have had a hard time even posting because the numbness seems to be making it hard to communicate my feelings. This conversation has helped, as I knew it would.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
here's another one; this person "loves" me, adores me . . . therefore he must be trustworthy. Love and adoration from another person toward me has me melt in my boots. Of course they must be trustworthy!
It only seems obvious they should be . . . but the fairy tales always end at "happily ever after" and never tell us what the real relationship was like.
Gotcher mud stompers ready? It's supposed to start pouring up here Tuesday night and go on like that for a few days!
UUUUGGH on both counts, the fairy tale and the mud. Tha neighbors just had work done on the road, too. So we'll really be slogging in the mud this year.
But today is supposed to be nice, so I'm going to enjoy it. The kids and I are going with Hubby to a half day of work and pick up some hay. That's always cause for celebration around here.
Have a great day! Enjoy the nice weather while we have it.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
