The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i haven't been here since july of 2003, i think. i had to go back to work and was unable to get to the online meetings that meant so much to my sanity. after only being back to work for 3 months, i started having major health problems and with the advice of my dr. i resigned and filed for social security disability. if you have ever filed you know that it is a long drawn out process since they practically deny everyone on the first go round. then after 20 years of marriage to an alcoholic and never being there for him since i didn't drink and want to hang with him and his drunken buddies, he came home from church (thats where he said he went, but who knows) one sunday in sept of 2004 and told me he wanted a divorce and he wanted me to leave our marital home and make things easy on myself. so i told him i was not leaving our home and that i would not give him a divorce. in spite of all the crap i loved this man with all my heart and i had promised god to love him in sickness and health, richer poorer...... etc. i take my promises to god very seriously and he just laughed right in my face. said he was going to get his divorce with or without my agreeing to it and he moved into our spare bedroom for a few weeks. after that, he said he couldn't stay there anymore with me because he was afraid of me. everyone who knew us just laughed at him because i am so non-confrontational. how could he be afraid of me? my heart was broken because the man i promised to love for the rest of my life looked at me with such hate in his eyes. he hated me because i was keeping him from enjoying his drinking friends destroying our home when i asked them not to come over. i was wrong to do that and it seems that was why he wanted out. he finally moved out in october of 2004, 3 days before my birthday. i was at such a loss because for 20 years i had been mrs. wife of the drunk.... i didn't know how to be anyone else. i stayed out of his way and only asked that he not bring his "friends" to tear up our home. you know what i mean, the puking everywhere, peeing everywhere, spilling drinks everywhere, i got tired of cleaning up after them... and i was then the "bad guy" cuz i was stopping them from having a good time. in the end, he told me his friends were more important than me because he could relate to them and not to me since i wasn't drunk and falling over like everyone else. after he moved out, i was served with papers for divorce. i had to borrow money to hire a lawyer, who in the end i think worked for him instead of me. i got sicker and sicker and in december of 2004 my neighbor found me unconscious on the floor and took me to the emergency room. i was then put in the i.c.u. unit because they could not get a blood pressure on me and i was fading fast. don't know how long i was unconscious at home, neighbor found me at 2:30 am. he said he knew something was wrong when all my dogs were outside and that was not normal. so glad he came to check on me. i ended up having a major surgery to remove 36 inches of my small intestines. they were twisted in some adhesions from an earlier hysterectomy and dead in the bottom of my abdomen and the toxins had poisoned my appendix, which they removed, it damaged my kidneys, liver, and pancreas. i now suffer from chronic pancreatitis and have been told that due to all the transfusions i now have hepatitis c. my attorney told me i needed to get my crap together and get a job because i couldn't expect any man to take care of me. this guy was a real jerk and now i wish i had the money to dump him and start over but i had to keep pressing on and ended up losing everything in the divorce because i was in the hospital for over 6 months and the judge was fed up with me having to reschedule. i live in "good ole boy southern mississippi" can you tell???? any way, the divorce became final on aug 15, 2005 and i was generously given 90 days to move out by the judge and only partial equity in our home. he also was given "custody" of our 4 labradors that i had raised from newborns.... they were our children. then on aug 29th of 2005 hurricane katrina destoyed our home. i had to move out earlier where there were no places to move to. i did get to stay in the small chapel at st. ann's where i go to mass. our priest was in ireland visiting his mother when the storm hit but his secretary generously gave me a place to stay where i had electricity to keep my mediciations cold and be able to have a bed and somone to watch out for me. i did feel just a little bit of vindication since the house he took from me was destroyed but it only delayed things. i had to wait for him to rebuild in order for him to get it refinanced and pay me the equity i was due. really, my lawyer gave him everything and told me to get a job.... still wish i had smacked the lawyer but probably would have ended up in jail. when i went to court i even told the judge that i was on a feeding tube since i could not eat any food after they removed most of my guts and would have to have that for the rest of my life and the judge had no compassion because he had to reschedule our case 3 or 4 times while i was still hospitalized. everyone was mad at me for being in the hospital when i couldn't do anything about it. here i am, feeding tube hanging out of my chest, have to have a pain and nausea shot every three hours throught this port also and every night i have to hook up my "feed bag" for 10 - 16 hours at a time. its not fun, and i still end up in the hospital at least 8 months every year. in this last 2 years, i have had 3 heart attacks and now am having seizures for the first time and it seems to be getting progressively worse each year. the potassium and magnesium levels get so low and it causes other organs to freak out. now i stay sick most of the time and pray that god will just bring me thru this so i can have a life. i have had to have my mother move in with me so i am not alone, and she thinks i should be taking care of her and not the other way around. some days i just ask god to help me minute by minute. so my friends, i have found my way back to the place where i know i can get rid of my "stinkin thinkin" cuz right now, its killing me and i do not want to go like this. i pray for strength and for forgiveness and for god to don't give up on me.... i hope he doesn't.... thanks for listening or reading this and thank you for welcoming me back into the family where i know i will be loved, feeding tube and all!!!! god bless y'all, brenda aka red1017
I gotta be grateful for your post, your ESH your Serenity Prayer filter (as my elder sponsor use to say) and your coming home. You got FAITH red and I read very little fear in your post. Maybe the fear I did acknowledge was my own. How would I have gone thru all of this. I have been thru some of it...not all of it and not all this continuous. I'm talking to my HP about some extra attention and effort on your behalf cause not that you're back home there must be...just must be more happiness in your life. Welcome home!! Keep on keeping on and you will be happy, joyous and free. I relate to some of your share. Don't know just how I would have held out this long. You do remind me that God touches me thru other people, places and things so I know that you're never alone.
Welcome home Brenda! Lot of esh coming from you. My Ahsober wants a divorce. Moved out 2 years ago because of me he says. You control me, I don't love you, etc. Wasn't there for my surgery this summer. Well, it is more about them then us. Take care of yourself. Your HP definitely has a plan for you. Get back to working your program.
