The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't really know what I want to say. I've been feeling kind of weird lately. Like I'm living on auto pilot. Not long ago I was feeling really scared at the idea of living by myself. Winters here are not easy. I had no firewood and a dangerously deteriorated woodstove. I had not nearly enough hay in for the winters feeding, butchering still to do, bills piled up, and was feeling overwhelmed at it all.
I am feeling good about myself as I tried hard to just live one day at a time. I let things work themselves out. I put no pressure on my AH to come rescue me. I let it go as best I could.
You know what... I now have a bit of firewood and a safe stove to burn it in. I have about half the winters hay in. The pig and turkeys are in the freezer. Bills are slowly getting paid. All this without me controling, manipulating, fussing and fighting. It feels unreal.
My AH is doing better than ever, and I am doing my best to be supportive in a hands off style. We have had conversations that would not have been possible even a few weeks ago. Since I have been able to completely let go of him and focus on me, he has made huge strides on his own. Of course this was just what we both needed, to separately stand on our own feet.
He has 45 days sober today. That's just a start, I know, and I have huge reservations, but the quality of sobriety this time is something completely different. He is comunicating this time, has a sponsor, and is getting to several meetings a week. He is learning how to be truely honest and is determined not to hide anymore from anyone. I am very proud of him.
The quality of my recovery is different. I can feel much of the pain, but it is not so overwhelming.I can actually see so much of my damaged self, now. It will probably be a long time before I can even consider living with him again. I have been severely emotionally battered. I see that much more clearly now, and it scares me. I don't know how much will heal and how big the scars will be. I am the one who is very emotionally reserved now. He used to hide, now its me. I just can't trust yet. It's ok, I know that. It will take a long time. Time takes time.
I worry that I will not ever be able to trust and be open emotionally again. The pain is not raw anymore, but now seems like a nagging ache that will never go away. I know that is projecting and maybe just needed to get it out so I can try to let it go.
I don't get angry so much anymore, not like I did. When I get angry now, it's in the moment, and passes quickly as soon as I acknowledge it. I think that is normal and healthy.
I think I am getting better and it is so unfamiliar that it has me really out of sorts. I can't really see the other shoe anymore. It doesn't loom so large. If it drops I know I'll be fine.
Thanks for listening.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I wanted to address the trust issue. My husband is almost 2 yrs sober (in Feb.) I had 20 yrs of mistrust behind me. What I have discovered is that the old pain does melt away and as time passes the trust is back.
I think at some point I had to "choose" to let all that old stuff go. I got to a place where hanging on to it only harmed me, as he was doing the very best he could in every way to show me that the life we had is over and a new wonderful one is here. I could either embrace it, or hang on to the old pain. The old pain is merely a memory. It is not what I live NOW. I choose to stay in the now and be grateful for every day that I have with this man and the gift of sobriety. Hanging on to what doesn't exist anymore serves no one. I have worked through the emotional abuse and refuse to wear the scars for the rest of my life. They are not a tattoo. I choose to take these days and revel in the goodness and the calm. Should I ever lose the calm, I will have wonderful memories.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I relate with wondering if I could ever trust and be open emotionally again. The being open emotionally part I sort of can't help, being a person with a heart or two on each sleeve, but I've learned in the past year to be very, very reserved. It didn't feel good, it wasn't me. It also "isn't me" to be untrusting. But it spared me much BS in the end, so I'm a believer now in holding my cards close.
Yet what happened to me with the exA was in part because I was too trusting, or naive, indiscriminately open. I only have to put myself first, listen to my gut, and the rest will work out. Sounds easy, but once I get back out in the Big Bad World, I'll be learning that like everything else, in baby steps.
Maybe we are just growing up?
I have no words of wisdom about getting over the pain. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but it doesn't hurt as badly as it did a month ago. I'm not holding on to it, and lately I am tired of it. Maybe this is just how it works, over time with willingness to let it go, it does "go".
You are such a sweet gal, I wouldn't worry that you have to "do" something to build trust back up. That's AH's job. If he acts trustworthy long enough, you'll trust him.
Now you stay warm! Thank goodness you got the new stove!
We were just talking about this in my meeting! I said over the course of my 13 years of marriage I got hit in the head with over 20 pairs of shoes. When the last one dropped, I picked it up and put it on and walked out the door. I have learned in this program that I could love him. And so I did for as long as I could. I would wake up every morning for the last year and think "I will stay married today" That gave me the freedom to know that tomarrow maybe I will change my mind. I stuck around for countless relapses. To the point where they were no longer "relapses", they were just how he was.
The other thing that helped me when I was still in it was to be honest with myself. I knew I couldn't trust him. Was that ok with me? could I figure out how to live with that? It is so good you know that no matter what YOU are going to be ok! That is awsome!
