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Lately I have found myself surrounded by people who lie. The A lied all the time, he brought people into our lives who lies chronically. Then the A moved to the only place he would accept to be and I agreed to help him be there in order to house the dogs (I had nowhere to put them). Those people also lied chronically and they continue to lie all the time about everything. Now I've moved on my own and have the dogs. One of the people in the house I live in lies all the time about everything. I have set great distance from him and he is gone this week (maybe he will be gone for good soon).
I've been racking my brains about why all these people who lie all the time are or were in my life. I think I got into a real solid habit with the A of second guessing, interpreting, trying to work out what was happening in his life despite the intrigue and the lies and preparing myself for the worst and how to deal with the chaos. Of course this year after he became homeless he lied all the time. He blamed everyone. His uncle told me clearly that he had no job up north (which he claimed was the justification for al the expense of moving all our belongings up there). He also said not to confront him (I can't see why now except it is all the normal familial intrigue which no one knows what to do about except be codependent around. The A also lied about the current court case. He lied about his money, he lied about his friends. He has always lied and I always accepted it.
Lately around this housemate I have just felt anxious, sick and stressed out. I find him incredibly draining to be around. I've also found myself trying to sort out what the lies are. He claimed to be in the hospital deathly ill but I think he was just at his girlfriends. He also claimed the A came over and made a scene but the A never mentioned it and no one plays victim better than the A.
I guess its a cue for me to learn better boundaries, to withdraw and put up huge walls when I encounter people like the A who lie habitually and then lie about their lies. Nevertheless I'd be grateful for any esh on this.
There is not much of anything I hate worse than lying!! My stepdaughter, bless her heart, lies all the time. She is young (10) and I am hoping to break her of this habit! I think when people grow up and it is accepted that they lie, then they will continue to do so. When I know someone has lied to me, I just end up easing them out of my life as much as possible. My first husband was a habitual liar--probably still is, I just don't deal with him unless I absolutely have to. My sober ah tried lying when drinking/drugging, but normally just about that stuff (and of course money), but I could normally get the truth out of him! If I have a liar in my life that I can't get rid of, I try to call them on their lies as often as possible. It is a headache and maybe not something I should do, but I can't help myself. I have this huge overwhelming need to let them know I'm not as dumb/gullible as they think I am ( or I feel they think I am--truth is they probably thinking, she is dumb she'll believe anything, they are just trying to cover their hind ends!!)
I don't have a lot--or any answers really. I just know it is such a PAIN!! Good luck! Just try to take care of you!
I also have a problem with liars, I have 3 kids and none of them ever did it! They lie all the time, I wish there was a cure. I also call liars on their lies. I don't have any suggestions for you but I can say you sound like you're doing great!
I also have found myself to be surrounded by chronic lyers in my life. Strangely a think a couple of them actually believe their lies. My brother has always been a lyer. he cannot eevn tell a straight story about what he ate for lunch. He is so full of BS that I quit believing him long ago. Unfortunately, my 14 year old son just learned the hard way about how he cannot trust his favorite uncle.......they had it out of an agreement they made that my brother fell back on and twisted the story around to fit his liking. Luckily I was in on the orignial deal and on the falling out. So I was able to help my son see that this wasn't his fault.....it is just they way his uncle is and he has learned it the hard way.
Others in my family seem to tell lies and I sware they truly believe it to be the honest to goodness truth. One of my sister's has had to lie for so long to protect herself and her marriage to her abusive, drug using and selling husband, that now I don't think she knows how to say anything truthful.
There must be some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain that causes people who lie so frequently to do this. It is the only way I can explain how they can continue to do it over and over without any regard to how it will effect others around.
For me, in order to deal w/the liers....I distance myself from them. And that hurts b/c I love my brother and my sister.....but the chaos brought on by their lies drive me mad. So I spend time w/them on holidays and special occassions. I do not go out of my way to spend extra time with them or talk to them about anything important that could get the lies rolling....examples: finances, work, relationships and just about anything that is conversation worthy. LOL. Mainly we just joke around.
I have had a lot of insight on this. First I am certain my compulsive people pleasing is a product of unexpressed rage. I know I've been on here raging for two years about the A and his behavior. I never felt heard by anyone in his life or mine. I feel heard here. I rage far less these days and I work super hard on having boundaries every single place in my life. Some days I have to work much harder at it than others.
I am quick to let people go in my life if I see a lot of red flags. I don't mean I change jobs or I run away. I just don't pursue certain avenues when I see too many red flags. I was going to look for an apartment house with a guy I met. He stated lecturing me about what is the optimal way to take care of the dogs. I don't need that. It wasn't caring it was lecturing. Who needs that. I let that one go. I saw a lot of red flags there. One thing that lead me to stay with the A was chronic unreitting self doubt and chronic unremitting beating myself up for not taking action before. I took action about the A as and when I could. I spent years trying to figure out a way to leave him. Nothing presented itself till I started doing footwork. When I became wiling things started changing. Admittedly by the time I was wiling it was long past overdue. I should have left him 5 years ago when he first started on his chronic acting out. I was still "committed" by then. I now know I have limits. There are certain behaviors I simply cannot take. There are certain people I clearly need to avoid. I have a sponsor of sorts now who I try to sort out various issues in my life with. I trust her. I also trust myself which is not something I have had that much experience with.
