The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Partner has not had a drink in several months. All that means is that the next three-day "gentleman's vacation" is closer to happening.
We never discuss his alcoholism. He totally disregards it as if it does not exist. No need for me to attempt to tell him how I feel about anything. He changes the subject. That is his annoying habit; changing the subject. And tonight I feel angry at him and his annoying habit.
Grrrrrrr,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
How do you deal or let go of your anger? If partner changes subject, than these feelings are not heard by him really? It is ok and even great to be angry... especially when expressed calmly. I never get a response or acknowledgement but I feel better and stronger just stating the facts. I am angry and this is why!! I think he hears more than he lets on that he does.
I find if I don't express my anger to the person it is directed at that I end up taking it out on the poor store clerk or my kids. Now that I am aware, I haven't done that for a long time now.
You are so worth being heard. I like to hear what you say and find it very valuable and useful. Thanks for posting this as it has made me think of all the ways we feel and express that to stay healthy vs suck it up, stuff it or given to the wrong recipient, Wishing you a healthy recovery and you are a role model in staying well. Gee, ever see those flip books where you can flip to the feeling you have to warn the family - let's use large posters to keep folks informed. :)
feelin' sleepy now, g'nite and may tomorrow be a great day hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Hard not to be angry at him and the disease. I have a hard time believing that you can't make yourself heard. Although I can understand why bother trying? When his next gentleman's vacation comes up, I think you should go on one yourself, like Kissers suggested. Why not? If an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, why can't we? Hmm.... something to ponder.
Love and blessings to you and your family. Kiss the animals for me.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me these days, when I am angry about what my wife is "about to do"... I find it is about me. In the quite times when I am really honest with myself I wanted her to do something, anything that I could point at and say, "... that, is why I feel the way I feel."
Of course my dear I am not comparing myself to you... just something I realized about myself. I didn't like it either, so I am trying to look closer at me than her and determine what about me is making me mad today.
I do get mad, and everyone has the right to their emotions.
Hope today is a better day for you... I know I am going to try and make this a good day. I deserve it, and so do you!
Take care of you my dear!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
The anger where you didn't really feel it before might be a sign, too, that an arrangement that was more or less working is no longer OK with you.
Your progress in your own recovery, his progress deeper into his disease, outside factors, or any combination of the above, and all of a sudden, something that you used to be able to live with becomes something you can't (or just don't want to) take anymore.
The topic at my meeting last night was "One Day at a Time".
I know what it feels like to be waiting for the next shoe to drop, just knowing it is going to happen....knowing that I am powerless to keep it from happening. Boy this is frustrating for this "trying to reform" control maniac! Feeling frustration like that leads to anger.
I have to remind my self that I truly am powerless over other people and their actions. I also have to tell myself...whoa there buddy! What am I doing off in the future again, letting something that isn't happening right now make me feel anger, despair...frustration? I need to pull myself back into right now, examine the world as it exists NOW and find something to be grateful for.
I sooooooo agree with a couple of those that have suggested a "Diva's vacation" If we just have to spend some time "planning" the future, we might as well plan something fun instead of planning misery!
I know with my ah he doesn't like to talk about his alcoholism because he says he looks like the "victim" or poor sad him. For some odd reason he thinks there is dignity in what he does. I understand your anger. I'm there with ya. We are only human. I agree with the others. Do something nice for yourself.
I think it can be very very difficult and incredibly frustrating to look at the A and their effect on our life. For me the shame of his behavior and how it affected me lead to rage and then I would rage at him and over expose myself. So there was a cycle of being under exposed, shutting myself down then over exposing myself. I let the A have it on many many levels for years about what his behavior did to me. Did it change anything, not much. He would stil try to manipulate. For me personally after raging here for a long long time I had to step out of the shame/rage stuff and start taking care of me. What did I need, what was I going to do to get it.
Well ya know I have been angry for a bit now. Why wouldn't you be angry? Here you are living your life, graciously sharing that life with this other adult and he is preparing to do something that really disrupts the life you two share. You know there is nothing you can do about his gentleman's vaca, doesn't make it any less frustrating. I guess we always have choices. Does the bad out weigh the good at this point? Or is it just a huge annoyance? At this point in my life I can't settle. If not for my sake then for the sake of the kids. My mother would rather be completly insane from living with an A rather than be alone. I don't judge her as I have felt the same way at points in my life. No more and hopefully never again. Good luck Diva and as a wise woman once told me....anger is acceptable, violence is not. Just don't beat the snot out of him!
Thanks, friends, for all your replies. As most of you probably know, I think anger is not always a bad thing. Feel it; go with it; let it run its course. Then it subsides.
Today the anger is not uppermost in my mind. I played MahJongg this morning with my group...group therapy, as we call it, because we spend the entire morning - 9 a.m. 'til 1 p.m. - laughing our heads off, having a great game, and telling jokes.
I do dearly love partner, and at this point have no desire to leave or toss him out. He is a good man...gentle, gracious, charming, loyal, funny, gorgeous. There is just...ahem...that one...ahem...fault. I love the idea of a "Diva vacation." I think I will make some plans.
Best to all,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If we just have to spend some time "planning" the future, we might as well plan something fun instead of planning misery!
