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This is a folllow-up to my post regarding my desire to encourage my ah to enter a Diversion Program on his own as to not be turned in and have his professional license flagged and possibly immediately lose it. Let me just say, I did it!
First, I resolved myself to stopping the secret (with limitations of course) On Fri I called his two best friends and told them of the situation. They truly love him and both agreed to do what they could to support me/him. One said he would start calling him (every day if needed) to lend his support and encouragement. The other said they decided they would no longer invite him on fishing trips if he didn't help himself. My ah's sister is going to tell ah that he can no longer drive in the carpool (which he loves) since there is no way of knowing his is safe to do so. All this was done knowing we cannot make him get help, but can stop the enabling behavior.
So, on Sat I told him that his employee was going to call him in if he did not do it himself. I then told him that the difference between now and the other times is that she is not alone anymore and she has all of our support. He got mad and especially did not like that his freinds were involved.
He responded with "Fine, I'll do it, work less, and get a divorce". When I took the bait and said, "why divorce" he said because obviously I think he is an untrustworthy (yes) and worthless (no) human being so why would I want to be married to him. He kept saying I needed to control and have everythiing my way, to which I responded that his way wasn't working.
It progressed into somewhat of a fight, of course. I am happy to say that I did pretty good. I did not let his blame and attacks get to me and just kept saying "I will not take it all on anymore". I had to work hard to keep it focused and had to keep saying "we are not talking about that". Of course, I got sucked up somewhat, but I did not buy into the manipulation.
I told him I did not believe he only used twice since rehab and I won't since evidence points differently. He actually admitted he has a problem (this is huge!) and said he figured out he has been stupid (huh?) and can conquor it. Admitted to drinking too and said he should no longer keep that one beer in the fridge. Twice when I asked him what specifically is doing now that is different than the past 7 yrs (when his employee has been on him) to indicate he is different and making changes and he could not answer.
I also told him that I believed his chronic illnesses were part of a drug cycle. Use, go off, feel a bit better, crash. Just in the past 2 wks he has been sick 3 times. I said he didn't sleep less and work harder than many (his excuse) and to be sick so much is not normal! He gets mad that I want to blame drug use on his health and continues to deny it had anything to do with it or our marriage. He asked "so tell me, am I using now", to which I said "no". Now obviouly he put himself in a pickle on that one because if I was wrong he couldn't admit it, but I don't believe he was. There is a difference in him when he is not, although he wasn't nice, he doesn't defend wierd stuff and is more rational and logical. I also don't think he was because he knows he is being closely watched and just finished being sick.
It ended up being a 45 min exchange. We talked of his misery that he used to blame on living with me, but is still there. He claimed its because he still is getting sucked back in, I said its because he took himself with him. He talked of the AA group he went to and how it was full and angry, grumpy and argumentative people. I wanted to scream "Helllooo, you are one of them", but instead suggested he find another one.
I made sure I told him that I know that man he really is and he is worthy and that is why I am hanging on. I also told him I believe that he is not happy with his behaviors and the man he has become. That he had deep pain and uses his addictions to numb it, but none of them are working. He was quiet and I could see in his eyes that he agreed. I ended by saying that ultimately it is his behaviors and actions which he will be judged upon.
So, on Sun he apparently called his employee and told her he was going to do it and asked for the info and papers (that she had already given him). I have a hard time believing he will follow through. I think he may start AA/counseling to placate everyone then back off, but we will see.
I feel relieved, but I am scared. Certainly a new battle is just starting. I just need to keep reminding me that this is the only way, and through it we may save his life and our marriage. The disease is way to powerful for him to fight alone, he has shown that over and over.
Thanks for listening and for caring.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
((((((((((((((lou)))))))))))))), way to stay calm girl.
Baby steps count, and one at a time too. You've done what was the next right thing for you; next, sit back & see what happens (aka "let go of the outcome"). Then you can decide on your next step. Don't have to figure it all out in advance.
I'm a little concerned about the part where you say "maybe we can save him" ..... can "we" include himself & his hp?
Mine "wasn't like them" either when he first tried AA - it took a job loss and a dui with an accident for him to get serious, and then it became "some of those guys are so much worse off than I am".
Lou, you handled this great! You told him the truth and stayed supportive of him even though he tried the pity pot and accusations. It doesn't sound like you got sucked in much at all :) Good for you!
Just an echo..."what can Lou do for Lou?" If you don't have something to do for yourself after that move, you might have just done it for the wrong reason. "...but I doubt if he will." If he does and gets and stays sober who gets the applause? If he doesn't and goes back out again, who gets the blame for it not working? "What will Lou do for Lou is as or more important for you to decide or do with as much planning, work and effort as you did for your spouse."
What I first heard in this recovery program was Keep coming back and..."If you keep and open mind you will find help."
Happy to hear that a positive step has been taken - my husband protested right up to the door of the rehab centre that he there was no way he was going to join AA or anything like that.....
Let go of the outcome, though. Sobriety is in many ways harder on the marriage than the addiction was (I know all of you living with active A's are rolling your eyes, but it's true). You can get better, he may get better, but this says nothing, one way or another, about your marriage. Take care of yourself, live your life.
Sounds like you did a great job. I really hope and pray your ah finds the way out. I would love to hear a great recovery story. Good luck to the both of you. ^i^
I am happy that he took a positive step in the right direction. It is true that most addicts can't do it alone. He needs support from his family and friends. But he also needs support from people who have walked the same path he has - other addicts. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do, sober or not. Nothing you can do about it. One other thing hubby reminds me of all the time, an addict always wants sobriety, but he/she may not be ready for it.
Now about Lou. Like Jerry I have to wonder what is going to happen to you through all of this. It's great that you are here. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and leading the life you so richly deserve. I think you are making great strides. I hope you are attending local meetings. They can be very helpful. The best thing I learned about my AH's recovery is to stay out of it. When he relapsed this time around, I didn't ask him about his sponsor nor his meetings. I detached and so far he has found his way back. It almost sounds counter intuitive to stay out of their recovery. But it takes the pressure off of both of us. He has his recovery and I have mine. We can talk about it and do our daily meditation readings together as a way to bond us. But seldom do we talk about our meetings. Once in a while I will go to an AA meeting with him. It reminds me what it is like on the other side.
Other than that, I have to keep the focus on me. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active one are very different. I cling to my program more than ever. My point is to take good care of you. Because if heaven forbid, he relapses this program will help you deal with that. Keep up the good work.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Aloha Lou!