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I had typed up everything below 3 times and tried to find the right board... well after having problems with registering and frustration I found this.... SIGH ( really HUGE SIGH)
telling this so you know my mind set... not just in this but in so much in my life.....
I was getting to the point that I was angry to having so much problem.. thinking once again I'm stuck going in circles.... starting to panic of getting caught getting help to try to find some peace some how.... started into anxiety attacks and Thank God he has granted me the ability to post here or so it seems as I'm giving it a shot.....( in tears) I'm not telling this for pats on the back or sympathy just need someone anyone to know how I'm feeling and that maybe this will help with anyone willing to give advice...... now my real post
Hello I'm new here... I'm getting up the nerve to ask for some help and advice.. going to try to keep it short and simple with giving enough for you to get a clear view of my life I have created for myself... I need support and can't turn to family and friends...
let me start by saying my husband started drinking when I was pregnant with my daughter.. that was 6 years ago... after 2 DUI's he stopped or so I'm told.. but I'm going to agree I think he has.. but now he has turned to smoking pot.... I will not allow it around the house or my kids.. but all the same he still does it....
I have lived through abuse.. broken bones, black eyes, cuts, bruises and much more...
he has never hurt my daughter.
now with those facts I know most are saying why are you still with him .. why haven't you called the police...
I have split up with him 2 times... called the police 2 times.... it just made life hell... why? because then he gets to see my daughter with out me around and can get drunk and drive with her... do drugs with her around and allow her around people that could hurt her in many ways.
soooo...... I found out it was best to stay to keep her safe
now here is where I am... I'm looking at a very sad life when he is around... I live in fear.. disgust of myself for being with this person and really I hate myself most days... then I look at my daughter that is happy and care free of the world around her and I know I'm doing the right thing.... I need help keeping a positive attitude... I'm scared... lonely and lost..... I find myself taking extra showers just to be able to cry with no one to see... I need help and advice
Trust me if before I married this man if you would have told me this would happen to me I would of laughed at you and said NEVER.. I'm to strong and care to much about taking care of myself and family.... I didn't take it when it started... but when I found out he was drinking around her and I had to sneak in and take her in the middle of the night as he sat drinking and with friends and having sex on the living room couch I knew I had to keep her safe.... then I was to the point I couldn't do it I couldn't be hit I couldn't live in so much fear I left again.... it got worse he told me things that would happen to her... took it to court and found out still the courts would do nothing... because he is the father and has rights...... I'm not even going to say what I feel about this! I took my beatings for throwing him in jail and leaving him and told him I was sorry and it was all my fault and I loved him just like I was instructed... that night after letting him tell me what I was going to be and how I was going to do things I lost myself.... I know I want my daughter safe that's all that matters..... that night all that kept me alive was knowing if I killed myself she would then suffer or die......
I'm really not trying to feel sorry for myself... I just need help... need support.... I need something to comfort me
I want to add I am not innocent..... I have made major mistakes... I have spoken up or yelled when it would have been best not to have said a word.... I have let my husband talk (most of the time bully) me into doing things that I do not believe in or did I do in 37 years of being alive until him... I should of been stronger .. but I wasn't... I did it to keep peace... to maybe understand.... no it was to make him happy so everyone else could be...
I want to add I only drank a few times in my life before getting married to him at age 30..... drunk once.... I still do not drink......
sorry this is so long..... I just couldn't stop once I started
Hi Broken... I am so sorry to hear of such a hard time you are going through. YOu are in the right place. I just logged on and there is nobody in the chat room, so it is great that you posted here! When I read your post I was first reminded of something I read in How Al Anon works, it is a great book which is in the al anon library.
I will type it out... it is in the pages just after the preface, that is how important it is meant to be, and since it is there, just knowing that means you are not alone, others have had been in similar situations as you and were able to find the help and support they needed to work through it. ' A special word to anyone Confronted by VIolence'
Al anons gentle process unfolds gradually , over time. BUt those of us facing violent and potentially life threatening situations may have to make immediate choices to ensure safety for ourselves and our children. This may mean arranging for a safe house with a neighbour or a friend, calling for police protection, or leaving money and an extra set of car keys where they can be collected at any time in case of emergency. It is not necessary to decide how to relove the situation once and for all- only how to get out of harms way until this process of awareness ,acceptance and actiona can free us to make choices for ourselves we can live with. Anyone who has been physically or sexually abused, or even threatened may be terrified of taking any action at all. IT can require every ounce of courage and faith to act decisively. But no one has to accept violence. No matter what seems to trigger the attack. We all deserve to be safe. ' Tapping into other resources
Alanons' purpose is to help families and friends of alcholics,. We come togehter to find help and support in dealing with the effects of alcoholism. In time we discover that the principles of our program can be practiced in all our affairs. But there are times when, inorder to work through especially challenging circumstances, we may need more specialized help and support, such as therapy, or legal counsel. Many of us have benefited from taking care of these needs in addition to coming to Alanon. '
Broken, you are doing the best you can to protect your daughter and that is such a wonderful thing, to protect your daughter. We all do what we can with what we have. Be gentle and loving with yourself too... know that you are loved. Alanon is a great place to get support. I came to these rooms many moons ago, and have felt the love and support of many. It has helped me work through situations I did not think I could ever get through. Things I know I would have had a lot harder time doing alone. Nobody is going to tell you what to do here. We can all offer our experience strenght and hope. I too was in an abusive marriage. I did not get any physical abuse, which confused me for the longest time how could I be abused if I had no bruises, but I learned abuse takes many forms. One of the things I learned, was to just make a police report everytime something happened, that way it will be documented. The police do not have to come to your home, you can go to the station. ( I think you have to do it in person, though you can call ( using a payphone perhaps...) and ask.). The other option is to call a women's shelter and ask for support from them. They can talk with you over the phone, and do out of shelter support for you. Your husband does not have to know . What is important is YOU get strong and take care of you. This will benefit both you and your daugther as you can show her how it means to be treated respectfully. It may take some time. It all depends on you,,, we can only do things one day at a time. And when things have gotten reaaaaaaaaalyyyy rough for me, just one minute at a time is the best I can do. I hope this gives you a bit of hope. Keep coming back broken,, I am sure there are lots of people going to respond in such a wonderful way.... Love and peace to you Inspired2
My ex was a violent alcoholic. I left many years ago. I found an attorney who petitioned the courts for mandatory alcohol and drug testing. He took the test once and then never showed up. I haven't seen him in over 7 years. I used to be deathly afraid of him. It took great courage and strength for me to leave. I didn't have the support of Alanon back then. Are you able to go to f2f meetings in your area? Please try and get to a meeting and reach out for help. Pray for guidance and strength to get you through this. Everyone is here for you. Hang in there.
Thank you for the responses! what is f2f? sorry I'm new to this
I do know it will take courage and strength to leave... trust me I know this... but what I know I will not recover from is if I leave and my daughter has to visit her father..... I can not live with the thought of the day the police arrive at my door to tell me she is either hurt or worse..... I tried testing when I split before...... the day before he came to my door beer in had told me he had drank and was going to light a joint in the car...... he did I saw him... he call me on the way down the road to tell me he would pass the test... I called the police... they couldn't find him.... he passed the test and the next day took my daughter for a visit.... all weekend telling me if I didn't come back to him he would show me! and if I didn't get my act together he would have a drug and drinking party with my 3 year old daughter present... he said I never knew what could happen.... or who would be there........ so for me its not strength.... the only strength I would ever need is to deal with life in prison because I did what I had to do to keep my daughter safe.... so I choose to be a part of her life and not do something like that and keep her safe because no one else will....
I'm very Happy to hear it worked for you and you have not heard from him!! my only hope is it will work this way for more people..... thank you for your kind words Kisses.....and I'm sorry you had to endure such things from your ex...
my only hope is that when he goes to court at the end of the week he will be put in jail.... but with getting out of 2 other dui so why not this one :(.... but I do keep hoping and praying
F2F is an abreviation for Face to Face meetings. I am glad you are here. The most troubling thing about living around active drinkers/users for me is that my thinking gets distorted. I have trouble doing what I feel is right for some reason.
It does take a lot of strength even to reach out here, so know that you have that hidden strength, you have already used it. And as for being scared... doing what is right even though you are scared is courage to me. Everyone gets scared... this is all very scary but there is hope and help.
If you continue to reach out... here and find some face to face meetings where you can get the support that you need locally for yourself. You will find the world to not be quite as scarey a place.
You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Look into your legal options - where I live, supervised custody is usual in a case like this. Of course, it 's a question of proving that he has done and said these things, but you have his legal history on your side.
I just wanted to focus on one part of your letter, because it was so familiar to me. You talked about you not being perfect. The way it worked in our family, my husband would behave inappropriately for days, weeks, months, while I struggled to be loving, do better, be a good mom, be a good wife, give him no handle to attack me with. Then, inevitably, I would break, and spend maybe half an hour behaving badly. I would say or do something truly hurtful. Well, he'd jump on this with glee, and ride my guilt for weeks. It's as if my little slip were justification for tenfold - a hundredfold - of more on his part. It took years, years of alanon and years of him being sober and admitting the real truth of that time, for me to accept that I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been, just because I was not a perfect human being.
You don't deserve it either. You do not have to be perfect in order to be treated with respect and dignity, and there is nothign worong with wanting affection and safety from the person with whom you have joined your life. The only thing you have done wrong is to love a person with a deadly disease, that destroys him and those around him. That's not a sin. It's a tradegy, but it's not your fault.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress! You have come to the right place. I don't have alot of esh in this area. My alcoholic is sober and behaves differently. What they tell us in Alanon is to take it one day at a time. You did not cause it, can not control it, and cannot cure it. Keep coming back. You will find alot of tools and support here in Alanon.
Gosh your story is so tragic. And you've gotten good advice so far.
I was also in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic that I had to end because of the violence.
We are here for you, to give you support and encouragement no matter what you do. But we are not going to "agree" so to speak that you must stay in such a terrible situation.
I know from personal experience with abuse that "getting out" is NOT as easy as it seems. Especially when there are children involved.
Call your local domestic violence agency TODAY. They have lawyers and advocates that specialize in domestic abuse situations with children. You can just get information at this point.
You are pleading for help and you definitely need to be helped. Let them help you and keep your mind OPEN. Many, many abused women have escaped the abuse and obtained full custody without visitation issues that you are very rightly worried about. You just have not found the right group to help you yet. That help is there for you!
If he has already broken bones on you, that man may kill you and then what? You have stayed "to protect your daughter" wrongly. She will have little or no protection if you are dead. And women end up dead all the time from domestic violence. If he beats on you there is nothing to stop him from beating on the child, NOTHING. Don't be so sure there's nothing you can do, that is a lie that living in abuse for so long tell us.
I'm glad you are here and I hope sincerely we can help and support you into a better place.
(((((((((((((broken))))))))))))))))) Glad you are here!!! You are at the right place!!!
We have all been where you are now and I love these people here on chat so much and on the message board!!!
I came here 4 years ago in desperate pain doing all I could to just listen to the experience strength and hope of others here that has gone through what I was going through then... I know what you are going through Broken I went through it as a child of Alcoholics parents and sibling and I watched my nieces and nephews go through abuse thinking it was normal at the time I was to young to know it was down right abuse and that I or my nieces and nephews could have died...
Pleases sweetheart go and get help for you and your daughter Get out of the abuse..... NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER IN A HARMFUL WAY!! That is not LOVE!!!!!
I know it is hard and you are scared but honey you need to protect your Daughter and yourself... You are worth it you really are and everyone here love you and has been where you are right now !!!
I am so glad you are here and I hope to help support you in way I can!!!
Staying is NOT protecting your child. I stayed for the sake of the kids for years. When my ex was into being a dad, he was ok. But as soon as drugs, alcohol and sex entered the picture he could care less about the kids. This man has threathened you and your child. He is NOT concerned with your daughter AT ALL. Honey, you have the strength and courage to get out. You do. Right this minute. Look at your daughter and know that she deserves better than to live like this. And you are the ONLY one who can give her something better. Call your local DV shelter and get info as to what you can start to do. Abusive drug addicts are terrifing people. Ofcourse you are scared, I am scared for you and your daughter. Look at what you have done already! You have to be one heck of a strong person to have survived this long in such a horrible spot. You came here and shared and you will find lots of love and support here. Keep us posted and lots of love.....
again thank you for all the post...... I understand some maybe most will not agree with how I'm dealing with this.... really I'm pretty used to being wrong when dealing with this issue... lol ok or so I agree I'm wrong so he can move on and leave me alone about it....
I'm wondering if anyone can relate
when it comes to therapists... my husbands therapists is always so charmed by my husband... it drives me NUTS ... she will validate my feelings at times.... but one time when I went with him when we were to work on issues when I brought up some things that really bothered me that I wanted him to deal with and see whats wrong about it I was told don't live in the past.... ok I do understand... but if we just keep letting go of it all when they say they want to change and are doing better should we not point out what got us where we are? any way after being told how wrong I was and not dealing with anything that was so very important that day to me I got up and left.... so now she thinks I'm out of control.... dear lord I deal with this enough in the privacy of my own home now I have to close my mouth when maybe once someone could see my side and show him this is not how people should behave? really am I wrong or should I just think if we carry on and keep babying him all will get better .... tired of hearing he is doing so well don't stress him.. don't get him worked up... don't give him a reason to drink.... walk away and leave him alone after he has done or said what ever he wants for days... when you get fed up with it you shut your mouth and walk away *SCREAM*
is this how it really is? if so really I want no part of treatment for him...... and when the A stops drinking and with in weeks substitute it with pot should there be understanding? or is it ok to see him as a nothing of a man that is weak and can not deal with even normal daily life with no help of an addiction to get through? MY God I have survived many things that I did not think I would all on my own with out a drink or any type of substance..... so you know... NO I don't understand this at all..... when my children mess up no where near this big I don't baby them... they are told what they did wrong and told not to do it again ... sorry there are so many things that pop up from the last 6 years... heck maybe I am crazy.... Im told I am a lot from him...... how dare I say pot is wrong and its just another addiction.....SIGH
Broken scroll up on this screen and look in the upper right hand corner, you'll see that you have a private message (it's from me :D ).
It's a website I've found very helpful in dealing with the abuse issues. We need all the help and support we can get, and IMO abuse issues need dealt with "specially" on their own.
I would post it in this message but there are guidelines about nonAlanon resources and I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to post this link this way.
You are definitely not alone in your current choice to stay. Nor are you "crazy", that is what abuse does to us, makes us question ourselves to the point we are confused and even begin believing the stuff the abuser tells us.
It's common that abusers are charming and they fool therapists all the time. From your post, I agree with you that this therapist is doing you no good at all, best for YOU to see a therapist at the domestic violence agency. He or she will believe you, they see women like you all the time. You could finally be validated that way :)
Oh I just had to reply again. We did marriage councling also. My marriage therapist said to me "When he is mad and screaming at you don't leave. Just stay, take it. Let him know you will be there no matter what." Being the good wife and thinking that this therapist knew hew stuff (she didn't) I stood there one time and he beat the crap out of me. This therapist did not understand abuse or addiction. She was comming from a place where she thought we were 2 people who just needed help with their communication skills. No, we were a crack addicted abusive 220 pound man and a very abused, confused, just had a baby 130 pound woman. Just because they call themselves a therapist does not mean they have a clue as to the real ins and outs of living with an abusive addict. A marriage that has abuse and addiction involved is NOT even close to being a regular marriage with some "life issues". Completly different. The best thing I have done recently is get mad. I mean really mad at the abuses I have lived thru. I love that you recognise that you have lived thru some very tramatic stuff totally sober. In general, we alanoners live thru the A's insanity totally stark raving sober. Give your self a big hug, a pat on the back and keep on going. You're doing it!
Yeah, if you see a marraiage counsellor, it needs to be someone with experience with addictions. Or they just fall for the charming addict. Marriage to an addict is different, because they have a different eagenda, which the counsellor may not realize.
Hon, don't worry aobut being wrong - you do the best you can with the strength and knowledge you've got.
I can relate very much. It took me years and years to stop beating myself up. I am two years in here. This place is a miracle worker. Keep coming back here and sharing in time the program will work for you. I have been a basket case for 2 years with a drunk who recklessly drove, made every single thing a huge mess, ruined our finances, made my life a misery and more. Over time here I learned lots of tools I still learn them. I am so much stronger than I ever was. I am so much quicker to detach. I am no longer the basket case.
Just keep coming here, share as much as you can, post oten, keep at it sooner or later the program will work for you. You will not meet a more caring, loving, supportive bunch than the people here.
I just want to thank you all for your wonderful words..... I have found everyone wonderful and supportive... Thank you again... trying to not whine so much here ... I know how it can be to then have deaf ears after a while lol
I do want to say that my husband just got off again.... he was given reckless driving instead of drunk driving..... :(
its something I'm dealing with.... I did notice there are some things I need to correct or give more information on that I posted... I will do this soon just need to be in the right frame of mind so I don't sound like a nut case ( ok I was when I posted I do admit that)
I am thankful for finding this safe haven... big hugs and heart felt thanks gos out to you all
Just keep comin' back hon, we don't mind whining :D.
It's too bad he was not held accountable by the courts. He wouldn't be the first. The legal system is limited but Karma is NOT. Or "Life", whatever one calls it.
Your post didn't sound nuts or anything, just sounded like you were reaching out and telling what's going on in your life.
I am looking forward to your next post. Stay safe and take care :)
