The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One giant step for helpers and fixers and controlling people is to slow way down with the easy does it slogan. Even after hitting the al anon books, meetings and message boards hard and fast, then slowing down to easy does it with just some daily reading and meetings it is still too fast. Then trying to apply everything you learn new immediatley is still too fast, so slowing down the application isn't even enough. Waves of emotional exhaustion when learning too much too fast and then when trying to apply things too fast.
Then I see that the error could very well be that I can still be fighting with wanting to control how and when I get well. Just moving the help, fixing and control from others to myself - makes me appreciate how others can be exausted when I try to help (control or fix) them. So now easy does it means, let go and let God help, control and fix not only the A but mostly ME with how and when. It is a slower process than I wanted to accept but I have learned what others have tried to tell me....... you can't change long time habits so quickly, you can't even really take it all in very fast. So easy does it, one day at a time might mean just doing something fun or reading a fun book - and that can be all that needs to be done for healing on that one day at a time...... having fun and being kind to myself.
It isn't even easy to accept having fun and being kind to myself is ok yet so I need to practice that a lot too so it is an automatic habit. Amazing how much one needs to slow way way down and that in itself is healing. Instead of emotional exhaustion, I can choose relaxation during my recovery. What a great choice to have and less painful than emotional exhaustion, depression etc. This really IS a simple program for complicated people - I think I get that now.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
As a world class "fixer", I have to agree with you and really appreciate your share. I have really found that I have to delay many decissions until I have a chance to "think".
When one of my "fix'esse" come flying around the corner and blast me with an emergency that they want me to take over... now I have to remember that it's ok to say, "wow, let me think about that".
Thank you for sharing that... it's a great reminder for me as I start my day today.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I've always said there has to be a happy median between "RIGHT NOW" and forever. I can honestly say I've always been more toward the "right now" thought pattern and get restless when there isn't a quick fix.
Your share relaxes me a little this morning. I am beginning to accept that the changes I will bring about in myself will not be fixed overnight and that I need to find patience in my heart and mind (patience that I know is there but not quite sure how to bring it out).
One Day at A Time will have to translate into One Minute, One Thought, One Step at a Time for me.
A therapist once told me we find our strengths in our weaknesses. This ability you have to shake rattle and roll :D, aimed appropriately, tempered by your recovery, is going to serve you well.
I really relate with wanting the pain and confusion to be gone NOW. One of the biggest things I'm learning as I write is to tolerate uncomfortable feelings without having to DO something about them, just let them be. They ebb away whether or not I do a thing, it all passes, the good and the bad . . .
I'm still amazed at how easily I can jump right back into 'fix it' mode.
I've come so far in detaching with my oldest daughter, an active addict/alcoholic.
However, I still have my youngest daughter, now 19, at home.
She hasn't completed her schooling,for her high school degree (online classes), and for a couple of weeks I was in fix it mode, and it was like trying to jam a square peg in a round hole!!!!!!
At least I now recognize when I lapse back into old behaviors, I can forgive myself for being human, and start over again.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Great share. I am really seeing this in myself and am trying to let my recovery go at its own pace. Just didn't know it till you said it, but that's how I feel.
I'm getting better about controling. I let my mother deal with her own emergencies, or at least not rush me to be crazy helping her. I ask her questions about what she can do, and refuse to answer roundabout questions she asks designed to get me to act for her. When she starts to get upset, I ask, "what do you want me to do for you?" She usually has no idea because she wanted me to figure the problem out for her.lol If she asks specific questions I give her specific answers as suggestions. I used to let her drag me into doing all kinds of things for her and didn't even realize how much she manipulated me into being in "control" so she could be resentful.
Anyway its harder with my AH, but the example with my mother has helped give me confidence to let my AH be. And now that you have brought it up, I will try not to be so impatient with my own recovery, too.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Iu know for me so much of what the control was about was to try to perserve the relatonship with the A. When I realise there was no relationship with his lies and cheating and acting out it got easier. I managed to detach from his acting out and stop trying to stop him destroying everything. I managed to get out of his way! I found that very very hard to do. I also found it hard to give up.
