The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been through 72 hours of hell. The phone has been ringing for three days with useless "conversations" with my son...the probable A. I say probable because it is so hard to determine. But after studying the posts on this site for over a year, sharing in some f to f meetings, I know I am deluding myself to think he doesn't have a problem. He has lost his wife, custody of his child, his home, and is close to losing me because I cannot take his BS much longer. He calls and talks in riddles; he hedges on accusations that I am somehow "in on" a great plot to undermine him in life. He never makes sense logically. I might add that he has had a head injury of some severity and that has changed his abilities for self-control. He denies drinking most of the time. He doesn't slur his words. He doesn't "look" drunk when we are in person. He just doesn't THINK right. I have spent years and years and years trying to make life better...in other words, I try to control things. I KNOW I can't. Why, then, do I pick up that phone once more each morning, noon, and night to listen to him pouring out grief, anger, blame, etc. I have caller ID. Why can't I just ignore that phone? He ruins most of my mornings even on work days; he will call once he is out on the job to harangue once more about unfairness or just anything. Seldom do we have a good conversation anymore. He accuses me of "siding" with his ex. Actually, what I do is try to maintain a friendly relationship because she is the mother of my grandchild. I don't want to lose this baby to the divorce. Both my son and his ex are party in all this; they each pull one another's strings and I, my husband, and ultimately this child are the ones who suffer. I said last week I might as well not post on here again, but God, I need somewhere to unload. I am paying a counselor to listen as it is; she listens, but I am intelligent enough to know she has no answers for me. It all must come back to me and my reactions to this awful situation. With over 9 months of horrendous cancer treatment just behind me, I feel physically sick most of the time, mentally undone, spiritually dead in the water. I am physically handicapped now and find mobility difficult and tiring...still working on that. I don't even know how to end this. I am just so tired. And even though I apply the tools, the ESH, the ideas.....well, I don't succeed. Why? Why do I find just telling everyone to go away and leave me alone impossible? It is really what I most want in the world....peace, quiet, no chaos, no yelling, no ranting, no griping, no breaking heart, nothing but peace. Please, peace!! The scary thing is I think you find that only in death. And I am not ready for that. But at my age (65) and with my illness, I am so frightened that I will die before my family is whole. Thanks for listening. I just don't see an end or a solution for our dysfunctional family situation.
I am still an amateur at this, but remember... You did not cause it, you cannot cure it. Take care of yourself, and that precious baby every chance you get. He is bringing you into his illness. Don't let it happen. My prayers are with you.
I think I have shared with you that I have a 22 year old who is a problem drinker and worse has inherited the 'isms at an early age.
One of the things that someone told me when I first got here is... do the opposite of what you have always done for awhile... if you normally answer that call, try not. If you always pay that emergency bill that he neglected... try not doing it.
I acturally did it for a while. You know... nobody died. And I got a little breathing room to try and get my thoughts together and get myself to a few more meetings.
This is, as you describe, more than anyone can take by themselves... that is why were are here.
I pray for you some peace... even if its only for a short time so you can catch your breath.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oma , welcome . You are looking for peace and a place to unload hmmmmmm have u considered Al-Anon f2f meetings for yourself ? I hope u will give it a try. You will find people who have been where your at and will share thir own experiences with you . You will find support from people who truly understand , people who can pick up the phone on a bad day or meet you for coffee when u need to talk .Goodluck louise
Until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired (as you explained) was I able to surrender to something different (Alanon for me).
Until I learned how to say No, my life was unmanageable. They say if you want to stop being a doormat, just get up off the floor.
You say you've tried and tried to no avail, so as rtexas says "do something different from what you've always done" because if we are always doing what we have always done, we will always be getting what we've gotten.
I don't know why you said you'd stop posting here but I hope you won't. Seems like it's here where you get a lot of good ESH from others who have been where you are today.
I hope you are feeling better (((((((Oma))))))))))), you need to take good care of you hon, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Denial is a huge part of the disease. One huge part of the denial fo rme was that I was human and could only do so muc. I tried being a hero fo ryears. I ende dup severely depressed, angry, and immobilized.
I do know you must be working a strong program to even be alive. This stuff can kill you I really do believe that. You do not have to fix this all by yourself! You are not alone with this. We do understand where you are and what you are saying.
One thing I do when the A is calling non stop is not bring my phone out. I turn the volume down. I do not answer all the calls. gone are the days when I worried myself silly that he was going to die out there. He has his own HP remember that!
Turning it over was very very hard for me. I came to see the HP has his own plan for the A. After all given his dreadful driving record he should be dead and killed in an accident. HP must want him around for some reason. My efforts certainly got nowhere that's for sure.
I stopped caling and aking and worrying and second guessing. Second guessing got me nowehre but in a pit of anxiety. I started to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow the A goes to court who knows what will happen, the likelihood is he will go to jail and maybe he needs to be there.
I know I have littel influence on him anymore and I no longer want it.
