The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It really is amazing as I look back over my life and see how easily I used to accept lies as truth, and manipulation as direction.
It is almost like I had a wire unhooked to my BS meter. Maybe it was more my fears ... fear of conflict, fear of letting others down and fear of things being even worse if I called 'em on it.
How many times I look back now to situations where I avoided the conflict... took the easy road, with absolutly disasterous results. I caused much of my own pain by playing the game. Cause then my pain was double... after I added on the guilt of not doing what I felt was right.
Lies destroy trust... and for me manipulation takes a toll on love. I can still love, but that love changes over time. I realized about 6 months ago that although I still love my wife, that love has changed over the years. I was explaning to someone that my love for my wife has become more like the love I have for my children....
No matter what my children do, or say... I will love them and care for them. I want the best for them always. I still feel that way for my wife. My love for her used to be a passionate longing to be with her, and know what she was feeling and thinking.... and that has not survived the constant stream of lies and manipulation over the years.
I realized I was grieving that change just before the summer... at the time I couldn't put my finger on why I felt such loss even though nothing had really changed. We were seperated... but we had been seperated for months already.
Today the lies and manipulation are in full drive. I have filed for divorce, and she doesn't want that. I understand, and know that will effect her emotions and her reactions to me. And as painful as it is to sidestep the manipulation and lies... it is worlds better than going along with it.
I find some sort of strange strength in only dealing with the things I know are the truth. I offer help and support when she declares a new form of Cancer has been detected... so far we have had breast, liver, lung and now throat. None of which have resulted in a bill from a doctor, and she will never allow me to accompany her to any "appointments".
I detest having to doubt what she says.... especially when it is a health problem and I know that is precisely why she says it. One day I fear she will really have an urgent issue and need help... and nobody will come rushing over.
I have thought of ending my relationship with my wife several times over the years... but HP must have know I was not yet strong enough to handle all this before. Without the awareness and tools I have learned here, I would never have been able to bare what is going on today.
I am so very grateful today, greatful for this program and the pain that pushed me to follow my HP here... and so very grateful that you are here.
I guess I don't really have a point in all this... just airing my thoughts. I do that sometimes... *grin*
I hope you all are enjoying your day, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers each day...
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Well, to be fair, RTX, I don't think many of us realized that there was a difference in the behavior. From ourselves and others. I think I knew as a child, out of fear of violence that spinning the truth would cause punishment. But I made a very importnat connection that the law today even acknowleges: it's not a lie if you don't get caught. But at the same time, that's kind of like my "it's not murder if the authorities can't find the body" logic: it's funny in a sarcastic way that gets people who are brand brand new to laugh, stop crying for a moment and breathe. To get some prospective that, yes, we have all had the innate urge to throw our A over the highest building to see if they bounced into an AA meeting, just to not feel so darn powerless over their self destruction. But the facts remain: when I lie and manipulate, today I have the mental health, the conscience and the ethics to know for a fact that I'm spinning the truth. And that's kinda like journalistic integrety gone awry: there's no truth there. It's coloring a situation to fit my needs. And as I continue to feel the hurt from how my parents behave this way, I continue to be reminded of how my behavior in the past needs to stay there. My recovery and my continued growth toward more ethical sensitivties, more insightful living, and more in depth channeling of gods will on a moment to moment, not simply day to day basis. That's a tall order, for anyone, not simply someone who's so emotionally spent and physically drained from alcholism that they just want one thing to go their way for once. And I think that's why it's SO important that I remember the "we" factor. Whenever I am hurting, I need people; but because I'm hurting, I shut myself off from people. I become convinced you couldn't understand how I'm feeling, and I forget that no one here goes by the name "Miss Cleo." No one has the right or the need to be my personal psychic; no matter how hard a time it is, it is my personal responsibility, no matter how falteringly I try, to voice what I need from you. Whether you meet my needs is a completely different subject; expectations for my needs and not having them met are prime breeding grounds for manipulative behaviors (cue toddler's temper tantrums). So I think, for me, today, one of the the biggest parts of recovery when I look back on the past is not to cringe. I still get the "ehhhhh" sick feeling in my gut when I look at myself from 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 2 years ago, because I feel like "Somehow I should have KNOWN BETTER!" But that's just it--that I didn't allowed me to know NOW. And that I do NOW allows me to avoid repeating behaviors AGAIN.
What a thoughtful post . . . brings up so much "memory" for me too.
I took the batteries out of my BS-O-Meter so it would quit shrilling all the time. But like a smoke alarm it keep up this infernal beeping and never let me forget it was there.
I too feel like my love for my exA was worn away by lies and manipulation. I didn't know WHY just relating with him could cause pain but it did. Only recently did it occur to me that I was responding normally and naturally to being lied to and manipulated. Has ya wondering if you are even SEEN as a distinct person in your own right . . .
One day it was just "over", I didn't decide it was per se. Maybe that tiniest filament of connection that remained gave me the sense of "still being together", but it is such a fragile little link when it broke I almost felt nothing.
If I didn't have the ESH of Alanon the "fog" would not have cleared for me. What I was afraid of seeing was too much to bear until I saw others "bearing" it and surviving the pain of acceptance.
I think that we do the best we can at any given moment. Maybe putting up with some things was the way we survived. Hindsight is 20/20 and that's how we learn. I know I have become more cynical at some things. I certainly don't trust the disease. But I have also learned to separate what I think is the disease talking, the mental heath issues talking and what is just the human being talking if that makes sense. Sometimes I still get them mixed up, but that comes with the territory.
Don't ever stop airing your thoughts. I've learned so much from you when you do that. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You are inspiring and sound very strong. Once I got a little distance from the situation and could breath to see what was happening, the reality of the situation seemed so obvious. But oh how I lost it when I joined right onto the wagon. Detaching with love is a blessing and I finally got it myself this weekend. My A finally found sobriety this summer and is working a strong program - but I am still detached at the moment getting to know him as a new healthy person and giving myself a tremendous amunt of space and time in our togetherness so that I maintain my emotional blance and my strength. It's funny as I can now feel it when I start feeling unhealthy - how great is that - and I just pray I keep catching it and turning it around.
Good luck to you and thanks for sharing- you are inspiring and so happy for you and your new found sense of peace and direction.
I am glad you are strong enough to withstand this. The more I practice detachment the better I get at it.
I am ready these days for a loving relationship which maybe I was not capable of before.
I know that what I had with my boyfriend was lvoe but the fear, lies, manipulation destroyed it. Ihave my own part in the demise of the relationship. These days I choose not to resent him because resentment is so toxic to me. That does' t mean I don't get angry I do. I no longer obsess about what he is going to do next. I let that go to to the HP. I have no say in his life anymore.
I can only imagine what it is to break up a partnership where children are involved. I have none and I think that would hurt me deeply if I had to deal with that. Nevertheless there are days when I still feel overwhelmeed with what little I have to deal with.
Thank you for your post RTexas......I had decided to do a little reading of others posts before posting my own rambled and severly screwed up thoughts today. I am glad I did.
Stay strong, stay healthy and keep smiling. You are an amazing man!!! and bring me such inspiration. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
