The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
when I first moved to the place I am in now I beat myself into a smithereens for not having the money/connections/resources to move to an apartment. I certainly did not see it as an accomplishment that I managed to wrest the two dogs off the A. Neither did I see it as an accomplishment that I managed to move on nothing and get a storage unit and still keep working all at the same time. I continued to beat myself to a smitthereens, shoulda, woulda, couldaing myself into a pit of despair and confusion.
Then my dog got loose and I was put into a place of fear and confusiona nd gult and anger and sadness. I spent two days just fearful I was going to loose her. After I found her at the pound I had to stop all the self abuse and just get to a place called acceptance. I have found it difficult but now gone is the remonstrating and raging at the A. I had a rageathon at him for not being there for me. I distanced myself from people who were not there for me when the dog got out. I set limits. I set priorities.
I am sad that it took a crisis for me to stop beating up on myself. I am also glad that for once I can say its not enough when people are not there for me when I need them. I put up with that from the A for years. I am not interested in going into full scale warfare but I am through making excuses. Allowing people not to be there for me was one way I kept my self esteem low. Now I feel I deserve it and if they can't be there I am not going to invest in a relationship.
I am still of course a million miles away from where I need to be at the same time I am clear on what I need to do to move on. One is to get through till Tuesday when in theory the A will be locked up and no longer around to harass me on any level. There are tons of other steps all of which I need to map out but I do see a way out now in ways I did not before.
You have a good outlook and good for you to realize, yes you do need others there for you too! How long it takes us to get there, but we do and that is the blessing. I too realize that I don't need to rage at others for not being there for me, I can now choose people who will - so much easier and so much healthier. And I like myself more as I rage and complain less. Getting my neds met is now on my shoulders. Thanks for the reminder and the great insight - inspiring!
Hi guys, Maresie, I'm so happy that your dog is home with you! Let me ask a question - I know we're not supposed to give 'advice', but how do you find the middle between being a doormat and being a B****? I just looked out front to find the the A left his van parked in front of my house. How long it will be there I don't know. He still has stuff in my house, and for two weeks, I left the deadbolt unlocked so that he could come in and either take his stuff or move it to the basement. Of course, he didn't do that. He did come into the house, but he brought vegetables from the grocery store and left them for me, went through the mail, opened windows, watered plants, etc. He calls and leaves messages that he still loves me and that I'm his best friend - as long as everything is on his terms. I'm not trying to deliberately hurt him or antagonize him, but you two sound like you've been able to reach that place where you can stand up for yourself but not in a mean way. I have a sign hanging in my kitchen that says "Because nice matters", and I believe that, but at what point does being nice stop and being a sap start? Thanks for listening! Take care, Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
