The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended my first al anon meeting this week. After almost 10 years of marriage and feeling so lonely that I thought it wouldn't hurt to try. My husband drank when we first started dating but I thought it was part of a partying period I saw most of my male friends go through. I knew the drinking would stop after we got married....I mean I just knew it would stop when we bought a house...had our daughter...it never stopped. He works hard, is good with our little girl (when I make him spend time with her), is not abusive physically or verbally (in fact he rarely says anything at all) but is never there to share a life with me.
I've been lonely throughout my marriage. When I expressed my feelings I was always told "don't be silly" or "you're saying I do absolutely nothing in this relationship". I've been to therapists, on anti depressants, and all because I thought I was doing something wrong.
I'm scared as I begin this journey. I have never known who he is without alcohol. I know I am not happy with my life and hope that al anon and new support groups will help me understand him and more importantly help me find out who I am.
First, congratulations on your first meeting! It takes great courage just to walk in that door . . . and I have to say what you hope to find by working the Alanon program is what you WILL find. You heard at the meeting that we can't stop the alcoholic from drinking (and how we've tried), but we CAN find ourselves, find a new and happier life for OURSELVES.
Sometimes this rubs off on the alcoholic . . . we can only hope.
You have done NOTHING wrong but love an alcoholic . . . and there's nothing wrong with that.
Feel free to post and reply and join us as often as you can. There are online meetings and chats here as well.
Start by doing what you must do to make yours and your little girl's life better, and all the rest will follow. This has been true for me and many others.
Like you , I spent so many years thinking that it was me - that if I could just be better, I would fix whatever it was that was wrong. So, I put my head down and worked harder, which only led to him putting even LESS into our marriage, because he didn't have to - I was doing it all.
Things only started getting better for us when I accepted that what I had was what I had - a marriage to a sick, deeply flawed man who nonetheless loved me and our kids as best he could, and whom I loved. When you can look squarely at what you have, and stop blaming either yourself or him, then you can start to decide if you can live with it or not.
Alanon can help you learn how to take that straight-on look, and then give you either the tools to protect yourself from the worst effects of his disease if you stay, or the strength to get away, if you decide to leave. Welcome.
I can totally sympathize with you. What you described was so much what I am living I was amazed. I, like you, am looking for something better than what I am living, but I love my husband and don't want to leave him. He is not physically or verbally abusive, but I have started to realize that his distance and selfishness, and of course drinking has been emotionally abusive, even if it wasn't on purpose. I feel like I didn't start my relationship with him, also 10 years ago (dating that is) damaged. Now, I feel a little like damaged goods. Each day I have been on my journey to recovery I feel a little less helpless and more in control of myself though. It helps that my husband hasn't been drinking that much this week, but I live in fear that he is going to become the distant, lost, depressed man he becomes when he drinks.
I would love to keep in contact with you. I think that we have so much in common we could really help each other!
Hang in there and you have definately come to the right place. I give you props for going to a meeting. I used to go, but have not gone back for over a year and a half. Just being on this board has helped me a lot!
You speak for us all at one time or another in our relationships with an A. Give Alanon a try. You will gain support, experience, strength and hope, and tools to cope. I didn't know I was lonely. I just felt trapped. When he was home, he really wasn't even home. But my Ahsober is gone now. I wasn't his responsibility to keep me from being lonely. Now, it is my responsibility. Lonely sometimes but not for long.
Wow! I am overwhelmed with all of your responses. A couple of years ago I decided to stay in this marriage because I felt bad for him and I would just make a life for myself and my daughter. The problem with that is I am still angry and lonely and wondering why I have to suffer just to make his life more manageable. I look forward to learning what you have learned and hope I can get a little more understanding of how to let go of the anger. Since my husband and I Never have adult conversations about our marriage or anything else for that matter (I think he is more afraid than me about confrontation) I have lost the ability to speak up for what I want and need. Any suggestions on how to break the ice again?
I have just felt a little sparkle of hope in my soul.
Hi Kim my relationship of 22 years was similar to your marriage and alanon helped me immensly, in fact I think it saved my life it provided support and understanding but more importantly it helped me to start healing and therefore gave me strength to look at myself and understand how my own issues played the part in the situation Two years later, we are separated, my A does not drink and is a typical dry drunk who is a workoholic under the current circumstances I would not have him back and what is really amazing, few years ago I thought that I could not live without him now I know that I choose not to live with him Have courage and patience Kim, the universe (and that is my HP) will look after you, all what you have to do is to trust. There is a great book which is called "The Eden Project, In Search of the Magical Other" written by James Hollis. In essence, it says that we need to meet our own needs and no partner, mother, work or anyone else will do that for us. It is sort of being your own best frined. Good luck Kim. Lily
