The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been lurking on this board for close to three months and thought it was about time I said "hello". I've felt an inclination to post on other topics here-and-there, but felt it might be rude not to properly introduce myself first...
Unlike many of you, I have only had very recent experience with an "A"...and he's clean and sober-ish (more on what that means later). The A is my boyfriend of 6 months, live-in of 4 months. I actually knew him when we were both about 13-years-old. He was the younger brother of a good friend of mine. We coincidentally reconnected in May of this year and hit it off instantly.
He's been in AA/NA for close to three years and had made it two years sober, but relapsed--losing his job, apartment, etc.--earlier this year. When we began talking, he told me he had only been out of the relapse for about a month. I came to find out, in time, that his last use date was actually the day he left the town he was in to come move in with me. So, in reality, he has 120 days as of yesterday.
As soon as we began to get involved, he mentioned that I might want to look into Al-Anon. I didn't get this, at first...I'd never been with him while he was drinking or using, and I had no prior experience with someone who has this disease (at least not in any kind of close relationship). I didn't feel I needed to "recover" from anything. I've always had a strong and independent personality and lived a very self-sufficient life (never married, no kids, career-focused, own home, etc.). He's the first guy I've ever even allowed to move in. I just didn't see, from the introductory literature I found, how it would help me.
However, as time went by, I found it difficult to deal with some of his personality traits. Don't get me wrong, he has many wonderful things about him, and this is the first time I can truly say I feel like I'm in love; BUT... I'm not used to being with a man who is so self-centered, who needs so much caretaking, and who finds it so hard to deal with any responsibility. I often found myself at a loss when what I consider "normal" (grown-up conversations and decisions, occasional friction) totally freaked him out. Also, since I'm not used to any sort of mother/wife role, and he can be extremely needy, it puts an additional strain on me...I want to play the role, to an extent, because I love him. But, I also need to adjust to it after 20 years of being a single woman...and I DON'T want to do everything for him.
I did go to a f2f meeting about a month into our co-habitation. It was difficult for me. The speaker talked about her alcoholic father and how he affected her family. The problem was, though my father never drank or used dope, I *completely* identified with her story. Dad had all the "isms" and was verbally and emotionally abusive. It also made me reflect on other abuse and trauma I had as a child and, just generally, sent me running and never wanting to go back. It opened floodgates, which I didn't want opened. Since then, I have started to identify my own issues and deal with them--which is good (I guess...still unsure of that one )
I've only been to one other f2f since. I just wasn't diggin' it. one of my biggest "issues" is being comfortable with expressing emotion/opening up and the f2f thing is just too intense for me, at this point. Even listening to others up-close-and-personal is really uncomfortable, because it elicits such strong emotional responses in me.
I do read lot of the literature, though, and finding this message board was a blessing. I feel like it gives me the benefits of hearing ESH, while allowing me to "ease into" the whole thing at my own pace. I do find a lot of good and helpful stuff here (and in the lit), though I don't always identify with the situations directly.
And, I find myself identifying with the group more and more as I continue to develop my relationship with the "sober" A and learn about all the bizarre "isms" that persist even without the substance abuse.
He has stopped working his program, unfortunately (which is what I meant by "sober-ish" in the opening to this post), but I'm doing well. I hope that, even if AA or NA isn't the right way for him to progress, he finds something that works--but I don't concern myself with it too much. He has to figure that out. And, I am grateful he--at least--isn't using right now. We have good days and bad days. Sometimes, he gets a good dry drunk going, and that gets hard to deal with. He has enough experience with and faith in the AA/NA concepts and work, though, that when he really starts to act stupid, it usually only lasts for a day or two before he comes to his senses. My biggest challenge is just not reacting during the worst phases. I usually do pretty well...At first, I sure didn't.
Anyway, that's only the tip of the iceberg that is my story, but it's a start. Glad to be here.
Glad you posted and have been hanging out here with us. I too didn't understand how Al Anon would help me at all in the very beginning. But having no other option of what else to do, I kept attending and started to see how it works for me. They reccomend you go to at least 6 meetings to give it a good try and I hope you will considere this right away. Nothing can help better than the f2f meetings and this MIP board is a support to these meetings....something I am just learning myself.
I missed my usual weekly meeting and found myself slipping back to reacting automatically to things and that didn't work before for me and it didn't again now. I have just come to the conclusion as I learn more and more about myself, my ah and all the tools al anon show us, that I really need to be attending meetings 2 or 3 times a week because it is so different for me to act or understand and I have lots of questions, thoughts to share the more I know.
You may have intense emotions to some of the stories you hear for some very good reasons that is surfacing at the right time to address? Neither of my parents drank but they had the isms too and can't confirm but would guess that I am the grand child of an alcoholic. I have been marraid 25 years and this is very hard to deal with...... and it may always be as he may never change. I am sure I would have reconsidered the future differently if I knew what I was dealing with during the 1st year. This is way too lonely for me but there is alot of history, children, marriage commitment to address now. I hope you keep your eyes wide open - take what you want and leave the rest.
Very glad you posted and do let us know how you are doing with the rest of that iceberg. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I don't have much time right now but wanted to say HI. We have a chatroom (link on left) if you haven't checked it out. Most of the time it's a pretty nice place :)
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP! I too was a lurking before I found the courage to post. For me I didn't want to admit that I was one of them. But for three years I have learned so much from f2f and posting here. My Ahsober moved out 2 years ago and has asked for a divorce. Dealing with him is sometimes way worse then when he drank. He has all the isms and is self centered to the max. What I have learned here is to focus on ourselves. I come from an alcoholic home and never realized the problems that has caused me in my adult life. As they say keep coming back.
I appreciate the welcome. ddub, I hear what you are saying. It is time to look at the issues I have...and I am taking it all one step at a time.
But, one of the reasons I haven't had a relationship deep enough to even consider living together or marriage, and am doing it for the first time at 39 years old, is that it is the hardest thing in the world for me to really allow people to get close to me. That's why I'm still gathering courage to do the f2f thing more. I have been told about the 6 meeting thing (I have found some great program folks online and regularly correspond with them). I have made a commitment to myself to do that...I just have to "get there" in my head. I have no excuses other than fear.
Hello Cen , I hope that you will continue to go to meetings for yourself , yu will find what u need . Al-Anon is about us and our feelings has nothing to do with them . WE get there because of the A but hopfully stay for us . Soberish = interesting word . AA and NA work but they have to work the program not just talk the talk which is really easy to do . I dont listen much to what people say I watch what they do . AA will give him what he needs if he can get honest that is a requirment for recovery , they cannot con a con . another alcoholic can see thru the BS and that makes people uncomfortable who are not totally willing to give themselves to a simple program of recovery. Using or not u need support and so does he , for me the best way to support my sober A is to work my own program , stay outta his face and mind my own business. and not believe the BS. work on me . good luck Louise
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