The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ideas of detachment and "hitting bottom" are really great in theory, but what seems to be forgotten is that the a almsot always does not go down alone. It's my life too!
This past Feb we staged an intervention and sent ah to rehab for alcohol, prescription drug(s )use, and an addictive g/f. He basically went willingly but with a f*** you attitude and was kicked out 19 days into a 28 day program. Essentially his g/f, also an a, was coming to visit. She was the addiction he brought along. Anyhow, he is using again and I think he has been for quite a while. I finally got some proof and then the courage to get his main employee to verify my suspicions. A couple of weeks ago I got him to admit it, although he said it was only 2 times. Yeah, right, 2 or 100 it doesn't matter, and I would prefer the latter because it explains so much. He also said he the desire was too strong, but he could mange by putting some controls in place, though he didn't know if he could do it forever. Big step! I know he's been active from his attitude/ behaviors and that he "needs" to continue his affair with an a. As long as she is in the picture he will never be sober, I am sure of that.
Anyhow, his main employee has had it and is going to turn him in to a Diversion Program when she returns from vacation in 2 wks. His professional license, our businesss, and uh, essentially our entire life will all be up on the block. The best case scenario is that control measures will be set up with the DEA, he will have regular alcohol and drug testing, rehab, 12-step, counseling, etc. and will all be mandated and monitored. His license will be flagged for all to see, and I am sure the loss of business and public humiliation will all be apart of the package. That is the best case. At the worst I'm sure it is possible that that may look at his past and just pull his license and shut us down. Bankruptsy would be sure to be a part of it.
Now if he chooses to turn himself in, all the controls will be put in place, he will be monitored for 5-7 yrs, and his license by law must be kept confidential. Now for the sober person like you and I, there doesn't seem to much of a choice between the two does there? Why wouldn't he want to be in control and keep his license? As a sidebar, I need to say that my ah loves what he does and is an absolutely brilliant and skilled professional. We are the family that appears "perfect" on the outside. His clients love him! The man is on a pedestal in so many eyes, but true to the a personality, he can get kudos all day and then just fall apart over the one person who gives him a negative attiude. He has never felf adequate or good enough from the time he was a little boy.
His employee has threatened for years and now the time has come. I want to warn him, to make him turn himself in. I am feeling desperate. Everyone (his sister, employee, my counselor) are all so glib in saying he had a chance, must hit bottom, etc, but I feel they are forgetting about me and our kids. I know rehab didn't work because it wasn't his choice, but I am wondering if enough pressure was put on him, maybe, just maybe... For example, if his two best friends (one is an attorney) as well as all his family members and employees let him know they know about the drug use and emphasize the consequences, then maybe he will see it clearer? His pride has what has kept hiim in denial and away from AA, perhaps if we strip it away and stop the secret?
I am curious if any of you have dealt with a diversion program before. Also, can sobriety be forced with external measures of importance like pride and family/friend pressure? He has never been open with his disease and to this day hides it very well. He wants to be perceived as sober normal.
Whew! Enough from me in one day. Any es or h will be greatly appreciated.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, I really don't know what to say. It seems like you have hung on and hung on and nothing has gotten better. My A was a land surveyor, now he has no license, a criminal record and a bad rep in the field in this area. Of course he is very charming and can always get in it's just the long haul that never works out. Eventually he loses it and it's back to the same ol same ol.
I know I have said it before but to me the infedility would be intolerable. I feel that's the ultimate disrespect and if I was aware of it I would walk immediately. I know you rely on him and his income to support you and your kids and when I left, my A brought in about 2/3 of the monthly income. I have had to adjust, and am still trying to figure out how I manage to squeak by every month but I have pride in my ability to be strong, support the kids and provide a positive example.
I don't think that you trying to lessen the blow or save yourself by saving him is going to work. I have gone that route several times, bailing him out so he could go to work so I could get the income back from him and I always felt resentful and wished I had just let him wallow in his own mire. I know this is a scary thing. It's been a year now for me and I know I am capable of supporting us so it's not as concerning anymore.
I guess in the end you just have to be so fed up that you would rather face the consequences on your own than deal with him one more second. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it's not fair to anyone. Sometimes I think the higher you are that's just the farther you have to fall when things go wrong. You know inside what the right thing to do for you is, I hope you just follow your gut and put you and your kids first.
Lou, I worked with/treated nurses, doctors and other medical professionals in "diversion" when I lived in California. Some were busted and turned in, some turned themselves in. Off the top YES it would be better if he turned himself in.
But you can't wait for him to do that! All you said about the consequences of being turned into the DEA? Yes, that's reality!
What are YOU going to do? You can't wait for him, or you will go down too. My guess is that it is already too late, your family is going to take a big hit one way or another. Knowing that do what you have to do so that you and the kids don't get hit so hard.
I persisted until the very end that my exA would NOT ruin us financially, he was too careful and concerned about our finances, he dogged me constantly about what I spent money on. When I finally pried my eyeballs open to LOOK he had ruined us and now I am BROKE.
I wish, I wish, I WISH I had NOT persisted in my fantasy.
I saw families, businesses and careers destroyed, albeit they were my patients. My heart just broke for them. And then, it happened to me.
PLEASE do what you must to take care of yourself. I have no idea what that is, except to say it is coming for you and it will be as bad as you fear if you do nothing.
Well it is true that the A's sometimes do take others down with them. The issue is do we go with our eyes open. I've been here 2 years, 2 years of trying to work out how to get out. I think it is a hard long road to a plan b. Will you consider one. What will you do when not if he goes down. There is a saying in AA that many of those who will not adhere to honesty end up either instituionalized or in jail or dead. I have seen that first hand with the A I lived with for 7 years.
Like Kim my A dogged me all the time about money. He also managed to be the main breadwinner for 7 years. I had no idea he was going to go down. Well I did but I still did not believe it. I got out and then hung around. I helped him till I bled he still did not come around. He has destroyed thousands of dolalrs of stuff, includng cars, belongings and more. Do I still think he won't crash I think not.
I think getting to a plan b is hard going. I resisted and resisted and resisted.
Do you think you can think about one.
I can still try to second guess the A. Currently he is off on some fantasy about moving seeral states away essentially as a fugitive. I've hung on so long there would have been a time I would have entertained that. Rigth now he has destroyed so much and is so irresponsible and so self absorbed I don't.
For me its not a question of it anymore its when will the A go to jail. Careless irresponsible actions have tremendous consequences.
i think its taken me the full 2 years I've been here to get to the point of stopping walking one eggshells and focus on me and what do I need. I know I dont need the chaos, insecurity, resentment an downright craziness that goes along with an A.
The disease is progressive. What you are dealing with right now will get worse. It is a disease therefore forcing someone to take care of their diease very rarley works. It's hard to say what I would do in your place. I wish that I would get MY life in order so that when my ah hit the wall the kids and I would be secure. That we could walk away without any whiplash. But there is the sicker part of me that would enable him to the end there by getting every ounce of "love" from him. Aism makes us all so sick.
HAve faith that you will be ok no matter what happens. You will pick yourself and your kids up and you will be way better than ok. You will have the chance to live your own life! I am aware today of all that I have to be grateful for, of all that I am given and how much strength I have. Look at what you have already survived with him. This might be your oppurtunity to stop surviving and start living! It's not all bad, it's hard, and it's sad but freedom is happiness.
You already did all the laying out the consequences thing with the intervention.
I know it's hard to not get splashed with his humiliation, but we will remind you as often as you need that it is NOT YOUR humiliation. Practice saying "yes, it's so sad, isn't it."
If you need to bring up the option ONE MORE TIME ( - but how many times have you already mentioned it? Is it possible you're doing the same things & hoping for different results?) - if you need to mention it FOR YOU, maybe say, one more time, calmly, and as briefly as possible, something along the lines of "I was just thinking that if you turn yourself in, your license gets flagged privately, but if your situation becomes public, then your license gets flagged publicly too."
Then put IN WRITING how you've done what you can - the rest, like results, is not up to you.
On the other hand, just typing that out, I can just see it then becoming - to an alcoholic way of thinking - my fault: "oh, you're planning on turning me in, are you?"
Give him the dignity of the true consequences of his actions.
It occurs to me that you identified 2 possible scenarios, he turns himself in or someone else turns him in; but he may well think he's working in a 3rd scenario, namely he continues to do what he's doing and continues to not get caught and not get in trouble. Why shouldn't he think this, in fact? It has worked for him in the past. The disease probably loves this option. The disease is literally incapable of seeing the part about being progressive, so he's actually getting worse, and people who have said nothing are feeling like they can't continue to say nothing.
Free association here, but might he be willing to put the house in your name? Maybe from his point of view, as a way of getting you off his back? From your point of view, you then have an asset you can sell and get something smaller if/when the s*** does hit the fan.
Acceptance only means acknowledging that this is the way things are right now - it doesn't mean you have to like it, and it doesn't mean you're saying it's okay; but if you accept it, you can then figure out what you can actually do within the reality you've got.
We can't walk for you, but we're right here holding your hands or giving you hugs (((((((((((lou))))))))))) any time you want.
Thanks for the responses. So, why do I stay? A question I ask myself every day. What I have found is that having children has made me persevere through things I always said I would never stand for. Even though my ah supports us, that is not why I stay. We chose for me to stay home and I am educated in a field where I can get a well-paying job in a phone call ( - rehab (not chemical)) I started working p/t in Jan and would have been fully back to work if I did not have 3 kids (all needy right now), with one being only 3. The extra income has helped and I am actually getting a little savings going. The valuable lesson I have learned (not intentionally) in this is one that I would strongly encourage to be passed on to all young girls. While being a "stay-at-home-mom" is a wonderful quest, be darned sure you have an education/marketable skill first!
I have been with my ah since I was 18. We literally built every bit of our lives together and I am fully intertwined in everything! It is way too late to get out unscathed and anything we do will be a mess! The thing is that the drug use has been going on for 10+ yrs and the aism obviously for much of that. I've only really come to know about it all in the past 9 mos. There is something to the old saying, "ignorance is bliss". Makes me think of cancer and how someone appears just fine until they are diagnosed. Blech!
When ah went to rehab, the only thing he had at stake was his sobriety. Big whoop. He is at a point now where there is so much more - his passion, prof license, education, reputation, pride, livlihood, and essentially everything he owns and has worked for his whole life. Yes, the stakes are much higher now! I realize he can't be forced to get well, but he won't have a choice for the measures to be put in place and go through the motions. The only choice he will have is if he wants to keep his license confidential or not. Perhaps by some miracle that will be enough.
I have a good friend who was a nurse, addicted to pain meds and having an affair with an a Dr. This was a Christian straight-laced homeschooling family. When it all came down, her husband told everyone of her actions. She went to rehab and came out humiliated and knowing that if she even considered using again her husband would divorce her and she would lose her family. She admits that truly she is scared sober. They have a wonderful loving relationship now and she is an entirely different person. I know miracles can happen.
Divorce is Plan C, and I have worked on it a bit. My Plan B includes stopping the secret. I am going to tell his 2 best friends (one is an attorney) as well as family members so all can put the pressure on him tovoluntarily enter the Diversion Program. One reason that he has been sliding by is because no one talks about it. He does not like the man he has become and is ashamed, that I am certain of. At the same time, everyone treats him like he is "normal", and "fixed" because his denial is so strong that he convinces everyone around him that all is okay. All the while, he is dying inside.
I know you all may be shaking your heads at me, thinking "it's never gonna work". I realize that, but I see no harm in trying at this point. He will have one week to do it for that is how long his employee will be on vacation. I tend to talk tough and easily fold into his manipulation which all arises out of his ignoring and non-conflict of it all. Maybe, just maybe.... At least I will go out without the regret of not trying. Things will change no matter what; its just a matter of the degree. I am trying to save my life too.
Thanks for being here and caring.
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just saw your post. You are absolutely right, he is planning on the 3rd option, which is for everyone to continue to do nothing so he can continue to carry on. That is what has happened for years. It is why I hope that if enough people start talking he will know we are serious!
I appreciate the thoughts.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou I haven't met you but I'll bet you ARE one tough lady.
Being as intertwined as you are, with kids too, I have to agree with you about one last try to stop the secret.
I myself waited too long. Yes, I managed to keep the farm intact and a roof over my head, but you need more than that with your kids. I guess I hope you understand that it is a good idea to "assume" his disease will do the worst thing possible, so you can prepare for it.
LOL, I've been trying to type this for about a half an hour, the puppies "sent" this message too soon by jumping on the keyboard.
Please stay close to your Alanon support . . . sounds like you-know-what is going to hit the fan.
Only you can decide what's right for you, and it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into making that decision - good for you. (Personally, I love that your plan includes "outing" secrets ).
Let go of the results - you've done what you can. Up to hp and that old "free will" thing what happens next.
).