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I've been working my tail off going to f2f meetings, here online, personal counseling and a spiritual marriage class. One day I feel fine, that I will be okay not matter what, and then one little encounter can send me spinning. Somehow I'm thinking that there are many of you that can relate...
So, this is a vent. My ah (separated) apparently had the flu yesterday. Please understand that this is a man who has had gastro-upset 2-4 times per month. I used to be sympathetic until I realized that "Hey, perhaps it's the alcohol binges or all the drugs he takes". Unbelievably, the drugs were something that were going on for 10 yrs and I had no idea. Denial at its finest! Anyhow, yesterday morning as he was complaining that he was sick but had to go to work so "they could kill him", I just stayed silent. He owns our business, he is the boss, so although it would be a financial hit and take some juggling by staff, ultimately he can decide if he wants to stay home or not. Without a response from me, he got irritated and hung up. Turns out he left work at lunch and went to bed. I decided it must be the flu because others in his office had it and it is rare for him to leave work.
Fast forward to evening. We have an unorganized carpool for my 14yr son and my ah frequently drives the 30 min to school in the am. Apparently son called a number of times (he says 2, ah says 12) to arrange and find our about his cell phone charger left in ah's truck. Turns out ah ends up bringing charger over (and looking awful) at 8:30 and told son he'd drive in am. Has a poor me, too many calls, blah blah blah attitude. So, I decide to be nice and offer to drive this am in the event ah is still sick. I call at 7:00, need to leave a 7:15. I end up with an earful of how I am only calling to make sure he is on time, and get grief about the miscommunication.
I HATE IT! I want to defend myself, apologize, just make it better, and there is no reason. Somehow I have to be perfect. Sends me back to the months of him openly hating me. He has always claimed that when he is sick he is not allowed to rest, and then the happenings of last night confirmed it. Aaaaah! I just need to back off, detach and not get involved. So much easier said than done.
If you stuck with it this far, thanks. I know it seems so minor, but the feelings it creates in me are huge, particularly since I had anxiety attacks almost all night last night. The wierd part about that was that I don't even think it had to do with thoughts of ah, but rather a counseling session I had, but I cannot clarify why. It is also upsetting because it makes me feel the whole last year was a waste, that I just need to wrap it up, call it my failed first marriage and move on. I have set mid-Jan (Martin Luther King Day) as my timeline; its a quiet time of yr and it stands for peace.
Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Keep working the program it really does work. 3 years ago I went to jail for throwing and hitting my A with the cordless phone. He was drunk and I didn't know or didn't want to acknowledge the anger I was feeling, the excuses I made for his and my behavior are unbelievable. I too had panic/anxiety horribly. The courts made me go to counseling, I was really angry then. I still slip, I get back up and try again. We are not perfect but works in progress. You are doing great. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs Mar
I agree it's pointless . . . in the fourth paragraph of your post, it sounds like you still feel compelled to "fix it" when he's accusing you of whatever. You're so right to back of and detach, what else can you do when he's being so emotional and irrational?
At least after this experience your eyes are opened a little more. He's in me me me mode and we all know how fruitless it is to engage when they're like that. But I really relate with that build up of anxiety and anger. Ya just want to pop them so they'll wake up, but they can't or won't, who knows.
I really hope all the counseling and meetings have helped YOU, in your own opinion. If he's using again, I don't know what to say about him. I'm glad you're setting a time limit for yourself here. A year of life trying to save a marraige probably isn't so much a waste as long as you've grown yourself. I feel like I wasted seven years with a guy who was not capable of loving me the way I loved him, drugs or no. But the growth I'm experiencing now is GOING to be worth it, I'll be darned if it won't.
I think if you can look at his actions and words as alcoholic behavior it's easier to do the "museum or zoo gaze". That's when you imagine you are just observing and looking through a glass case at the subject behind it. It helps to not take on their stuff.
As far as his point about never getting to rest when he's sick... Ha! Welcome to parenthood!!!!! I can't recall one time when I was sick that I didn't have to do something to care for my kids. As far as I know the needs (nor my responsibility) of kids go away because I'm sick. Had a kid left a phone charger in my car when I was sick I wouldn't have played martyr and brought it to him though. It could wait. That was his choice. NO is still a complete sentence no matter who you are.
Try to see his actions for what they are Lou and leave them with him. I look at that kind of stuff of toxic to my serenity and have that glass in between so I can just observe and not get sucked in.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:05, 2007-10-03
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think it's the little things that drive us craziest. Something concrete like a DUI etc is easy to figgure out what is right and what is wrong. Easy does it as you are right, many can relate to this.
When nice things happen, I am suspicious, wary or not allowing myself to really enjoy the moment as don't want to set myself up for the fall. So much consistant disappointment, hurt, pain - we have all been through makes it hard to believe anything good when it happens. It (the good/nice stuff) needs to happen consistantly for belief that things are better and sometimes I kick myself for being so negative and fear being a bitter old lady if I don't get past it, over it, forgive?, forget? and move on. It sure ain't easy!!!
That's when I do something nice like you have and when it blows up in my face, I too want to throw the towel in. Your comment about gastro trouble is interesting to me because whenever anyone in this family gets sick, the AH feels he has it too. Therefore, if I am sick or not, I am the one administering all the TLC & clean up duties. Now I think he uses it to explain his symptoms from drinking most of the time. If he feels really bad, he'll go to the MD and if he can talk the doc into some rx meds, he presents the receipt for insurance to me almost proudly. See, I sound bitter already......... Anyways, I relate!!
So what to do? For me, good to know others relate, detach like you said, remember the part about it's the disease mostly and remember the progress you have made this last year. I wouldn't want to be who I was a year ago so we keep trying to practice the new things knowing perfection cannot be attained. We have and can make progress to something better one day at a time. But it sure is good to vent and get it out when stuff happens. You are doing really well!! Hang in there and hope you can enjoy the rest of this beautiful day now that your morning exchange is over and done with. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I'm reminded of when I finally said to my sponsor, here I am biting my tongue, but now I'm just ending up stuffing feelings again, and I'm trying to learn not to do that!!
She said, look at your motivation. If you need to say something FOR YOU, then say it. If he can't hear it, bring it to me or to the meeting where you CAN be heard. If you need to say something in order FOR HIM to say or do something in response, then maybe it's best left unsaid.
So now - not that this always works, but sometimes it does - I bite my tongue long enough to not lash out, and remind myself to keep my words and tone calm. I say my piece, as factually as I can. "Actually, I was calling to find out if you still wanted me to do the driving this morning." And then I get out of there, physically if necessary. Sometimes he then actually thinks about it, and brings it up later; sometimes not. But I've been able to say MY bit, without harping on it, and without losing my cool (even if I then need to go scream in the pillow).
And sometimes I just have to complain to my sponsor - and mind you, this guy is sober - "sometimes he's just SUCH an alcoholic!!!"
Hang in there, I see you working really hard on all this - I know sometimes the results are frustratingly slow.
Meet ME - QOD - Queen of Denial. Literally. That is what it means. When I first logged on to this website, I felt like the ULTIMATE Queen of Denial, hence the nickname I gave myself.
My AH was using cocaine for years before he told me about it. I mean, I knew he was drinking alot but refused to admit he was an alcoholic. And I thought he was probably cheating on me b/c he had in the past. But I never in my wildest dreams would have thought he was using drugs. So I think I have got you beat on that one. LOL.
Take care of you. And don't let your AH push those buttons that get you upset. If he is anything like my AH, he knows exactly what buttons to push for the desired result. Mine plays me like a fiddle. It is very aggrivating.!!
