The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living with an active A can be a challenge and I feel like I am a strong enough person that I can let most of what he says roll off of me and not let it bother me. Especially since I have been involved with alanon and have learned about boundries and about typical A behaviors.
But.....the biggest challenge that I have on a daily basis is dealing with loneliness. I do not have a partner in marriage who I can share with, and for that I am sad.
It is definitely a common theme. In my relationship I wasn't as much lonely as sad that I could not share my thoughts and feelings with my wife... she just couldn't be trusted with those things.
Her reactions to what I really thought or felt at any given time were simply not rational and in time I quit sharing them with her.
My lonelyness I dealt with by being with trusted friends here and in meetings. Opened up to some new friends at work. Definitely not the same as a nurturing relationship with my wife, but kept me out of the nut house. (so far anyway) *g*
I am glad you are here, it helps us all.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I knew I couldn't bother sharing with my exA too. It hurt too much to be vulnerable with him and have it dismissed, ignored, or used against me in an attack.
When I lived in San Diego I always had others around to discharge some of my need for contact, but up here in Idaho, the spaces between people are far. So I've found myself joining forums for this and that . . . this forum for Alanon contact, another forum for domestic violence contact, another forum for farm life and homesteading/animal care . . . you get the picture.
I didn't really grieve the "loss" of being able to share with my own husband. He was never someone I could share with (except while we were dating). I think I just accepted it, but that is very sad.
The only way to give my life some balance was to pour myself out in trusting relationships, and the first place I found them was HERE and in Alanon/AA meetings. Once I did that, the barrenness of my relationship with the A was even more obvious. That is where I grieved, finally.
Just because we believe we "should" be able to share with our own spouse doesn't mean we should keep beating our heads against a brick wall and waiting for the bread truck to stop by the hardware store :D . It's a losing game, so I found other sources. You can too. And yes, grieve the loss, it will help you gain clarity.
Once again it amazes me how much someone I don't even know can understand what I am going through! I have been saying to my husband, through tears, I am so tired of being alone. He will say I have been home to which I respond, you have been home, but you ahve not been here. It is almost like there is a void, an emptiness. I look at other couples that are out, interacting and wonder what it is like to have that bond. I did have it at some point, but it is too hard to remember. The part that is still very confusing is that I don't want to stay and I don't want to go. I don't want the void to be fille dwith someone else and I sometimes feel it is helpless to try with him. It sounds like though if I keep working the program, I will come to a better sense of direction. Right now I feel like I am schleping through the mud....
Back to the point, I know how you feel to be lonely. I never thought as a 25 year old woman I would be thankful that my 1 year old daughter woke up in the middle of the night, just so that I could snuggle her back to bed...
Hopefully you feel a little less lonely. I am sending you love!
Well, you are definitely not alone in your loneliess. I have been living alone for 2 years. It was not my idea. I still cry but I am not as lonely. I have read that being lonely is that you are not connected to the universe. I have developed a strategy. I connect either by meetings, phone calls, go see someone, or invite someone over. It helps. And don't forget the obvious - your HP is always there for you.
