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I don't know how to cut ties with my boyfriend. I don't even necessarily want to never speak with him again, but I WOULD like him to move out. I've gotten to the point where he and his drinking just annoy me to death and if he does stay it is going to get worse until I have some kind of blow up and say really mean things. The problem is, I don't think he takes me seriously...and maybe he's right, I haven't been serious enough. I've brought it up several times and the other night I broke down and got really mad and told him I'm serious.
One of the problems is that he is still in school, doesn't work, and is basically living on student loans. He is not even doing well in school because on some days he won't feel like going and misses homework and assignments. I feel like he is going nowhere! So when I tell him he needs to find another place he says he can't afford it and he will just have to live in his car. My response is "where would you be living if we were NOT together??" Maybe he would be homeless, but I highly doubt it. I'm starting to feel as if he is just taking advantage of the nice apt we are able to afford both paying rent, and all MY furniture. If he moved out he would literally have one couch and barely anything else.
How do I make good on my word? Both of our names are on the lease and I don't know if I can just wait it out until next August waiting to move out. It would be a financial burden on me to pay the whole rent by myself, but in the end it would be best. I feel like he is going nowhere fast and dragging me down. I still love him and have fun with him when he is sober, but I realized I am going to be waiting a heck of a long time if I am waiting for him to get sober to have any kind of long term relationship with him. In the mean time I am just hanging on to something that has no future. I know I will be sad and it will be extremely hard- we hang out all the time and he really is my best friend.
Any advice for ending it without kicking him out (I don't think I legally can) and on somewhat good terms? I need some strength to follow through and do the hard but right thing.
The first thing you need to do is make sure this is what you want. Try setting "Boundrys" for a while, and see if you can stick to it. Also if you can talk to him sober, and let him know how you feel.
I know you love him and they are different sober to drunk. BUT even when an Alcoholic gets sober OH MAN Its not easy...They then change and become the real person. If you have only known the drunk it might be a huge surprise to you....
Take it easy. Ask for help from your HP< and keep sharing with your family in here..... Rome wasn't build in a day
Do you REALLY want to end it? First make that decision, and if you do, then the best thing to do is end it, once and for all. Relationships are best ended by going separate ways and not looking back. If you stay in touch with one another, you haven't really ended anything. And in order to start a new life, you must let go of him completely, and know in your heart you will be fine without him.
Best of luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
It's difficult to kick someone out who won't go - I've been there. I told my husband several times when he was drinking to get out, he just said no. I realized that the only way to end it was if *I* went, or if I got the police and courts involved.
The way it worked for us, I made some changes to my OWN end of things, he made changes of his own in response to mine, and we were able to continue living together after all, in fairly happy circumstances, until he sobered up several years later (and that's ANOTHER story!)
Our circumstances are different - we were married, owned a house together, had two kids, but even so, you may find that using some alanon tools will help you manage - either to change things enough that you can stay with him and still be happy, or to give you the strength and determination you need to get rid of him, no matter how ugly it gets.
I'd suggest spending some time and effort in the program, learn to set boundaries, and to say what you mean and mean what you say, and take another look at the situation in a month or so. You may find that your path is clearer.
A boundary is no good unless it's enforced. Admittedly I wasn't very good at it first. But I got to the point where I started to pack hubby's bags. I told him that if wanetd to continue to drink, then he could leave. I didn't care where he went. I wasn't about to die for his disease. If he wanted to die for his disease, unfortunately that was his choice. You have to be sure that you want to end this. Sometimes distance is the best thing. End it if you want to end it. Remember recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you want to and so richly deserve. Take no prisoners. If somewhere down the line this relationship is meant to it will happen. Don't play the "what if" game. That always gets me into trouble.
Here's a question for you: Are you lonlier with him than without him? I was lonlier with hubby while he was drinking. Hmm..... says a lot. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Plan bing helps. Get that plan b going and focus on yourself for a while. When you have the plan b worked out then think of your options. The joint tnenacy stuff is tough going. you can bring in someone else to assume his part. There are options. My issue is I liked none of them.
