The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been having a "pure dead crappy week". My life sucks, I am hopeless, useless, a cody, a pain in the ass, and I'm writing this right now, listening to a song, and laughing...lol
Well, If we can't admit it, and laugh at ourselves,who can.. I've been crying non stop for five days (in exhausted..lol).
We go through life, happy, joyous, sad, depressed, excited, angry, all these emotions and more. Every day is a new experience for us, a gift. The last six weeks have been awesome for me. I met a lovely genuine guy from England on the net. We spent everyday talking, and we got together for four lovely days. Those days were fillied with Laughter, love, fun, tears, everything We can express to eachother. I felt loved, wanted, he showed me It can happen to us.
I think I have ruined that relationship by being "too clingy", needing to be reassured when he went home he still felt the same. OMG, the guy must think I am a "nutter"...lol Anyway, I have been down, full of doom and gloom. But wait a minute, Im a member of Al-anon, what am I expected to do now. Well, I have the tools, the knowlede, and the support of all my fellowship, SO, Pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. (aye right dead easy.lol)..
It's what we learn to do a day at a time, and what we pass on to others in the fellowship. Life is only as easy or as hard as we want to make it..... So, I went out, put myself in the shop window, got myself a 2nd job, in a nursing home, Plenty of activity in there. lol (psyciatric geriatrics....lol) "Get busy, get better"..I am turning my life round AGAIN lol for about the 50th time this year so far..lol
I loved and maybe lost, but I had it. I had a fantastic, perfect six weeks, I was "happy" "Loved" and "loved in return". I now know I am cabable of it. Of someone loving me, for who "I AM". Maybe the relationship will still work, (I mean why would he not want me.lol)
My whole outlook on life since I joined Alanon is "Humour, laughter". Not everyone can have that. In my line of work It's my job to care for people less fortunate than myself. I am pretty damb good at it, (Maybe the only thing i am good at.lol). I look at them and my life is not all that bad.
Alright we have difficulties everyday, emotional, financial etc. At the end of the day I have my mobility, the use of all my limbs, im smart,(except when A's r in my life) I use my own judgement of a situation, ok, I get It wrong (most of the time) lol....I am not "perfect", I dont want to either, too much like hard work.
So, I have been up in cloud nine for the last 6 weeks, I have now landed with a massive bump again. Oh. poor Ally....
There is two choices in life: Stay down and be continuesly kicked OR Stand up and be counted.
It's not easy, we lose hope, faith, we go into a depression. But If we want to get on, make the change to our lives we "Need" to stay on top of everything else.
Im sad right now, I feel alone again, I feel like I screwed up big time, I feel like a nutcase, I am ashamed of my insecurities. I never asked to be like this, I didn't get like this overnight, and I wont change overnight either.
I believe this person was put into my life for a reason. He got me away from the pain of being rejected by the A in my life. He showed me I was Important, loveable, and deserved to be happy. He has not told me to go do one, I am projecting, assuming he doesn't want me.
I am giving it time and space. I never thought about him in all this. Maybe he is scared too. He has found someone to love him, someone to love again. You see we are not that much different for the Alcoholics, It can sometimes be all about "Us". We have the same selfish side to us that they do....
So today I am going to "get busy get better" "Stop the stinking thinking" "Think about the other persons feelings" AND "laugh my butt off"..lol
Life can bog us down, but It sure looks brighter If we can see It with a smile and a spring in our step...
I thank Gawd for giving me the ability to laugh at myself. At my crazy behaviours, and everything else I screw up.
I keep getting told people like my posts...lol No wonder, they probly look forward to the next eposode in my life...lol ( will be getting a show soon, "A Day in the Life of Allygirl).lol
"Keep on Keeping on", Be here for eachother and most Importantly "SMILE" and "LAUGH" after all "Laughter is the begining of healing".....
I hope I bring a smile to someone today with this post...I am "Hurting right now, but I can and will get "through this the Alanon way"....."Keep It Simple"...
Your Nutty Friend In Recovery
Ally Girl
This Is the Song I have Been Listening too...lol K
There is a line in it "I KNOW I SHOULD LET GO, BUT I CANT"...sound like anyone?????
AWESOME song! thank you for sharring that. Your sense of humor is great too! it will get better, it just happens in little baby steps, when we wish it could all be fixed with the wave of a wand
Poem: it is not easy to find happiness in our selves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.
((((Ally)))), Oh my nutjob, how I love you. You remind me so much of me. I can do the same thing to myself. And in the end most of the "crap" I think I see is just that, it is what I am thinking and not what the other person is doing.
Remember FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real. Just becuase in our moments of insnaity we conceive a thought, does not make it real.
If you ever need to vent, you have my ears.
Love ya hen,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Loved your song - can be my theme song too trying to let go of things so I'm not bitter like the lemons. (-:
I can hear your optimism and your process of bringing all the good things you know to say to yourself rather than the stinking what ifs and shoulds of negative thinking. Easy to say but takes lots of practice and time to make those positive thoughts become automatic. You are working it, Ally and it does work.
I do this all like you too so I can also hear the pain, fake it til you make it and think about an old song I remember "the tears of a clown" You are unsure about the unknown, but I will debate you on a couple quips you've made cause we all need support even when we lol at ourselves. I often lol at myself when I really need someone to fill my pockets a bit with some positive feedback while I climb back up to be counted.
"(Maybe the only thing i am good at.lol)."
I don't think so.......... you are good at a million things and I am just getting to know you, make a list or re read a list. You are worth loving you!!
"maybe lost, maybe will still work, I am projecting, I am assuming he doesn't want me"
hmmm........... you don't know, you can't control but you can enjoy like you wrote all the good times and what comes, ....can be good with this one or like you say, "Important, loveable, and deserved to be happy. " confidence is building for the next time.
Enjoy these adventures as joy of your journey, the bumps aren't worth thinking about always and know, like your MIP family knows, that you are important, loveable and deserve to be happy, you are soooo worth it!! There could very well be a reason to some things which is good that we can't see yet and it is not that you screw up!! Your fun craziness could be one of your gifts to this world, not a screw up.
All of the things that make you Ally are what make you loveable. your HP loves you, this I know and your MIP family is here to remind you.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
OR Stand up and be counted.
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