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Well, thanks for saying that, I guess its better to step away than to say thing that cant be unsaid J
Anyway, I know he is your son and you love him and want him to have everything he wants but I also want C to grow up healthy and Im not really sure at this point what is the best thing.I have been thinking about this for the past week or so and am kind of lost as to what to do.Of course I dont want to appear to be the heartless B who wont let her son see his father, but on the other hand I dont want to break his little heart by having someone in and out of his life all the time either.He is doing really well right now and happy and I dont want to mess up a good thing.Im afraid if he sees J that 1 hell have a meltdown every time he has to leave and not understand why and this will go on for several days after making him a sad little guy, and 2 J will be back in jail or using and right back out of his life causing all this upset for nothing and again leaving him a sad little guy.I hate to be pessimistic, but honestly, thats what I think is going to happen.
There is a restraining order keeping him from me and him and it runs out in March.Thats six months and in that time he can decide if he wants to be a drug addict and alcoholic and in and out of jail, robbing and stealing and sleeping with women for a place to lay his head for the night or if he wants to be a productive citizen and a father.That would give him plenty of time to find a job, find a place to live and get into a program of recovery.I dont really think its unreasonable to ask that he be stable and actually have something to offer C rather than getting what HE wants to get from him immediately.Everything has always been on his time, he wants what he wants and he wants it right now.If he cant manage himself for six months and get it together I dont really think hes a good influence for C.The fact that he loves him is not as important as if he is good for him or not.
I was talking to the hairdresser lady yesterday while C was getting his hair cut and she was telling me about how her daughter lives with his dad and shes fine with having her when she wants to come stay with her.She said that it wasnt about what she wanted, it was about what was best for her daughter (same school, stability, etc.) and that he was a great dad.Now that was what I needed to hear right when I needed to hear it because it helped put it all into perspective.J is not a great dad as much as he would like to think that he is and it is still always about what he wants on his time not about what is best for anybody involved. He was a fair dad when he lived with us and has deteriorated since then.He had plenty of opportunity in the beginning to see all of us and he chose the path he chose leading to him not having a vehicle, not having a license, not having money to get anywhere and then turned around and expected me to deliver his visits to his convenient location (which was NOT convenient for me) and I did that for a while but that is not my responsibility.It wont be too late in six months for him to rebuild his relationship with him and if he is stable and sober it will be a much better relationship.He has all these expectations and a sense of entitlement without being willing to put forth any of his own effort and then blaming others when things dont go the way he wants them to.
I am afraid that he will take me not letting him see C as a personal attack or some kind of punishment or vendetta when it is not that at all, it is just me trying to do what I think is the best thing for him and remember hes MY baby just like J is yours!I dont know if you know what I mean about how everything relates to what he wants in his time rather than having patience and maturity to stabilize himself despite what he wants so that he can have it later.He wants instant gratification and the whole point is that C is not here to satisfy some need of his, he is supposed to be there to satisfy Cs needs.Do you know what I mean?Try to think about this as if he was not your son and tell me what you think, it seems reasonable to me.
6 months Have a home/job Clean and sober Basically be capable of being a positive influence. Be able to get to a place for the visits and back (not my house, not me delivering him over an hour away)
I think your decision is based on the best needs of your child, and therefore the best decision you could make under these circumstances! I hope your MIL supports you in this, but if not, I hope you will come here to find the support you deserve.
There are lots of good parts in the letter, asking her to see C as YOUR BABY like she sees the A as HERS is great.
The only thing is for you to be adamant that this is how you want to do things, no matter the MIL's response. It's not her decision, it's yours and it sounds like a real solid, well thought out decision to me. Kudos!
If she's angry with you, she'll get over it. Her feelings on the matter aren't what's important. You are giving her the respect your friendship with her calls for in informing her of your decision. Sometimes people get angry but they can't help but respect you when you hold your ground.
