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It's been a while since I've posted. I've just been reading posts. I've been working very hard at detatching from people who are affected by the disease of alcoholism, namely my family members.
As I get better, which is great, I can see how the illness affects them with greater clarity. I have never been interested in gossiping and general small mindedness. I really do think we all have our own crosses to bear.
My problem at the moment is how to detatch from my sister. I feel I have to physcially not be around her. She is very giving and means well, and so I don't want to offend her. But she is also intense and is prone to controlling and is getting more and more critical of others. Or maybe I am just getting more aware of this.
She visited me recently and after only five minutes I wanted her to leave. I could feel her intensity and I just wanted to get away.
My question is: am I going to have to detatch from all of the people in my life affected by this disease in order to recover? I feel like this is the case.
I am glad ofcourse to be getting better and know I am very lucky to be on this path.
There are amillion ways to go about detachment. You need to find what works best for you and what is comfortable. I tend not to treat people with kid gloves. I don't blame every personality flaw on alcoholism. When someone has a negative outlook I counter every comment with a good comment. If they don't get the hint, I come right out and tell them they appear to be very negative and I'm working on joy and peace in my life. I really don't want to hear it. Sometimes people are so used to complaining and making everything about themselves (and complaining about life in general) that they really don't see what they are doing until it is brought to their attention. Sometimes it's about teaching others how to treat us.
If that doesn't work out for me, then I have choices. I realize I can't control another person, but I can let them know I dislike being brought down by their attitude. It then goes in to the boundary catagory. If they choose to ignore that it bothers me then I have the choice to walk (literally leave the conversation) away, immediatley say "I don't want to go there" and change the conversation or keep my distance from that person.
If it is someone I would like to keep in my life I think it's only fair to let them know why I may be permanently detaching so they too have the option of choice.
On the other end of the spectrum, some people are just plain toxic and it's easy to know that it is never going to be any different. I have a stepsister that I haven't had contact with in well over 10 yrs. Even though it's been that long, she continues to attempt to rock the boat. Most recently she told my parents she doesn't talk to me because I gave drugs to her 15 yr. old son and started him on his path to destruction. Whatever!! lol Gotta blame someone. I might mention that her 15 yr. old son is now 30 and she will be 57 this month. I can see it's never going to end. Lord knows what she would come up with if I was in her life, let alone holding on to 15 yr. old fantasies.
Anyway, as I said, do what is comfortable for you and doesn't leave you feeling that you are the one sacrificing.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 10:45, 2007-09-26
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't know if you have to detach from them, I think for me I just have to detach my feelings for them and say they are what they are and accept them for that. My MIL is INSANELY codependent. I didn't see this until I got better either she was always my partner in codependent crime LOL. Anyway, I know trying to help her see the error of her ways is mostly a waste of time - although I do try on occasion pointing out that her helping is actually hurting and she is only prolonging him being in THIS state. But inside I know it's futile until she decides on her own to stop.
Sometimes she says crazy things and is manipulative but I just don't let her do it to me. I don't ever put myself in a position of owing her anything so that she can't be the martyr to me and when she tries to manipulate I tell her I don't tell lies and I can't remember who not to tell what so please don't ask me to!! She doesn't try to do that much anymore because she knows it doesn't work. She is an A in recovery as well so has a lot of A behaviors along with her codependency. I still love her, she's still one of my best friends, I just see her through clear eyes and if she does something I won't tolerate then I tell her and occasionally point out her crap to her (ie got caught in your own bs again didn't ya...) She knows, and better still she knows I know LOL.
I guess the important thing is not to take it personally and have your own boundaries on what is acceptable to you and what is not. When she breaks it tell her I don't think that's funny, cool, whatever and leave or ask her to if it gets out of control. It's ok to say no I don't want to do.. talk about.... etc.
For me, when my family is driving me nuts.....I just distance myself from them for a while until I get over it. Then I start taking them back in through small doses, slowly increasing my exposure until I cannot take it any more. Then I back off again. Hmmm. I think this is how I handle just about everything. May not be the healthiest option. LOL.
