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Hi to all.. very first time here to this site and I have read some of the postings and decided to post my own.. I'll try and keep my story short.. I am in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic.. (long distance relationship) clean and sober for 18 months.. I am clean and sober in support of my Loved one.. (I was a social drinker and didnt like it that much anyways).. In Aug he had fallen off the wagon.. totally floored me.. I never thought it would happen cause things were going so well.. we had discussed this and he knew what he had to do and I was prepared to continue to stand by him and support him thru a new start.. here we are in Sept now.. he has moved to educate and take on a new job.. lately I have noticed a change in him.. he has been different to me and seems like he is avoiding me when I call.. he doesnt call me when he says he will.. a totally different person.. one I have never seen before.. day and night.. I have discovered a week ago that he had been drinking.. I was shocked.. this explained the behavior that he has been having with me in the last 2 weeks.. he admitted to me that he has been drinking since he has fallen off the wagon off and on.. that shocked me once again.. he hid it well.. I have grown up with an alcoholic (my father).. I have attened Alateen as a child.. I am very familiar with AA and Alanon.. but when it comes to me now having to dance in these shoes I feel very dumb founded and lost.. dont know what to do.. when he admitted to me last week about his drinking.. he told me that if I let his mother know about this I might as well lose his phone number.. the altimatum.. he asked me if I wanted to break his mothers heart.. cause that is what it will do to her.. I said no.. you have done that on your own not me.. I am tied between this as well.. his mother and I are close and get along well.. said we would let each other know what was going on in any case like this.. I thought ok.. (protecting him here, benefit of a doubt) I am willing to work with him as his family would find out on their own in time anyways.. knowing he knows what he has to do.. and what he wants to do.. (get sober again) I am trying to trust him and let him do this on his own in time.. (I know this is no excuse but he is done school in a week and will be relocating for his new job).. I just feel that that he shouldnt avoid me in the meantime as he wants me to keep this a secret from his family.. I want to support him now till he starts with AA again as he said he is going to do.. I am scared that he is only trying to buy time with this as I mentioned to him that he could still attend AA where he is now till the week is over.. I am terrified that he wont be able to gain control and start a new recovery if he waits too long.. This man is my soulmate.. my true Love and I do not want to lose him.. I know that the first thing to do is detach.. I have reached out to a local addiction rehab where I live for some advice.. I have been doing alot of reading from the Al anon One Day At A Time book.. it does help and every daily reading seems to hit home with what is going on and how I am feeling.. God does work in myterious ways.. I am wondering if I should go against his wish and let his family know that they are enabling him to drink.. (they are helping him thru school) they would not approve of this.. which would cause him to hit his rock bottom quickly with no choice but to return to AA now.. and he knows this.. a question I asked him straight forward was.. is the real reason you dont want me to let them know is cause you what would happen if I do.. and once you are done school you wont need their help.. so then nothing can be done.. too late by then.. he said no.. inside I think I have decided to wait the week till school is done and start his new job/relocation and see if he does the first step on getting sober on his own.. as this may be a reason he is holding off for now.. the pressure with school ending and a new location coming.. I am trying to be supportive to him and help him get thru this so we can start over again.. Together.. I have stopped calling and decided to give him the space he wants and let him come to me.. Im just so scared of losing him.. any advice would be greatly appreciated.. what am I doing wrong would be good to hear too.. Ripped And Torn..
Trying to force someone to hit thier bottom is a waste of your time . at the moment he is saying what he knows u want to hear , that he will return to AA as soon assssss. they will do and say anything to get us off thier back . I learned along time ago to not listen to what people say , I watch what they do. His recovery or lack of it is none of your business , read all u can on live and let live . you may find something that will help . also our detachment pamphlet offers some really great suggestions on what we should or should not be doing in regards to the alcoholic. His mother will figure things out for herself. MYOB Louise
From the Detachment pamphlet, which was quoted on this board just the other day:
"Detachment means you can stop: Suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people Allowing yourself to be used or abused by others Doing for others what they can do for themselves Manipulating situations so others will eat, got to bed, pay bills, exercise, or do whatever you think they should do. Covering up for anothers mistakes or misdeeds Creating A Crisis Preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events"
I wouldn't put too much faith into anything he says, since most of it seems to be designed to keep you off of his back. Better to stay off his back anyway, without extorting promises that he and you both know he won't keep.
As for his mother - my take is that you don't need to tell her ('creating a crisis") but be straight with him, and let him know that you will not lie for him if asked about it ("covering up for another's mistakes or misdeeds"). You are not responsible for his behaviour, but you are responsible for yours - have you made promises that you are now not able to keep?
I would like to add this because when I'm behaving particulary codependent, it appeals to me. LOL
By trying to creat his bottom, you will only prolong it. If you told his mother and they cut him off from school. Trust me, his drinking would not be the reason that he got cut off, it would be because you opened your mouth. That is how he most likely see it. The focus will now be off his behavior and on you. The best thing you can do is to work on yourself ! Once you do the answers will come easier.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
When I feel stuck in making a decision, I go with the mantra, "when in doubt, don't". Then, in time, things seem to clarify a bit on thier own. I feel I have enabled my ah as well by keeping his secrets, but I have learned that when I force what I know is "right", it tends to go off in a direction I didn't expect and then I am stuck again with a new, but equally frustrating decision. It's tough I know!
Blessings, Lou
*"It is only possible to live happpily ever after on a day to day basis." - Margaret Bonnano
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I would personally just stand back and watch what happens. If he continued drinking then that would be the time for you to make decisions about what you are and are not willing to tolerate. I left the man I was sure was my soulmate a year ago. We all have to do what we have to do and what's right for us!
I wholeheartedly agree with the above comments. Most importantly "watch the actions". An alcoholic will tell you exactly what you need to hear in order to allow their disease to survive, then turn around and do the opposite. It makes us nuts!!. The beginnings of being sucked in to the mess is believing them. When he said if you tell his Mother it will break her heart it was pure manipulation. I'm certainly not saying you should tell her, it's not your place (IMO). But he is trying to ensure that you don't, allowing his disease to control your actions. It is also par for the course that he is willing to get help "later", when xxxx happens or after he xxxxx. He will keep promising that as long as you stand by him and believe him. I heard it a million times and somehow convinced myself that "this time" he meant it. I'm also not saying you should walk away. What you are doing is excellent, not calling. It shows that you will not tolerate alcohol or the behavior (his and yours) it produces in your life. If you are "there" for him and ever "supportive" during this time, he has no reason to get help. He has lost nothing. If he had been sober 18 months he knows exactly what he has to do to get there again.
My take on "soul mates"... There is no such thing in reality. If so, I have had several in my 52 yrs. How many can there be? Only what we convince ourselves of. If there were such a thing I would hope HP would not deliver a "soul mate" that would hurt me by lying, conniving and manipulating. That's certainly not what my soul desires.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
