The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never joined a message board for ANYTHING, let alone for advice and community, so please bear with me if I'm way off on etiquette, etc. In addition, if you have anything to say, thats why I'm here! So, good or bad, critical or sympathetic, let it flow. I feel like I'm in a corner, but know logically that I'm not, so I really need some help on this journey.
My husband and I met when I was fresh out of college, 4 years ago. I had been a heavy partier through college and was on my way to phasing it out of my life. He was still very much a drinker, but not being conscious of my new decision, it didn't affect me. He was sensitive and wonderful when we first met and I felt so safe with him, like I could tell him my darkest secrets and completely be myself around him. He is still so much fun to be around, everyone adores him, and he is, of course, always the life of the party.
His drinking became a problem once we moved in together. We both got our first serious jobs and I had made strides, still unaware, in "growing up", as I've always looked at it. He, however, continued to drink and we began fighting about it regularly. He grew less and less sensitive and annoyed at my trying to control him and his drinking. Times with him when he was sober, or the rare occasion that I joined him in drinking, were still wonderful, and I concentrated on that.
We were engaged two years into the relationship and for the year that we were planning the wedding, I started to blame the fights and embarassing nights on the stress of the wedding. We've been married for almost a year now, most recently bought a house together, and everyone still LOVES my husband.
My close family and friends understand his problem with drinking, but also understand and respect our privacy. My father has had a couple of talks with him and its accomplished nothing but my husband getting angry with me and not drinking around my parents for a few months. His family, however, welcomes the hard-working husband home in the evening to a warm meal and 3, 4, 5, 6, 12 glasses of beer or whiskey. Forgive me if I sound bitter, I am. It has been imbedded in him that men sit in the garage every weekend and get trashed together, while the women gossip inside, preparing lunch. And, one of his most common arguments is that he drinks less than anyone else he knows. Quite honestly, hes probably right, but it still does not make it okay.
We have continued to have problems with his drinking. Once, I was able to make him take me seriously enough for him to stop drinking, completely, for 8 weeks. Although he fought me about it and played the guilt game everytime we were around family or friends, he still admitted to me that things were so much better during those 8 weeks. We got along! We respected eachother and were able to make positive impact on our marriage. We agreed that the drinking could never go back to the way it was or we'd go to counseling. When he started drinking again, we agreed that drinking more than one or two drinks weekly was too much. And, he maintained for about 2 weeks. Then, all of the same excuses came up - I haven't seen my brother in awhile - I just need to relax - I had a bad day at work - I had a good day at work - You had a drink with dinner - Etc.
And, now, here I am. My husband, other than the drinking, is a great man. He has a lot of growing up to do, but so do I. And, he can frustrate the hell out of me, but I'm sure I can do the same. We ARE still freshly married and have a lot of things to work out. I know that. But, I'm at wits end. And, those things will never get attended to if we can't get past the drinking.
Yesterday was my birthday. I wasn't excited about my new age, but who cares. I had THE WORST day at my job that I have ever had at any job. A long story, but it was basically a 2.5 hour meeting with a customer that I had known to be a friend and a happy customer, and my boss. The whole meeting consisted of "me" bashing on the part of the customer. So, reeling from that, I met with a property manager that was 45 minutes late and low balled the potential rent of my property. And, then, my husband informed me that he had to work late and wouldn't be able to make my birthday dinner. The dinner was awful, service sucked, it was way too loud, and my father (a smoker) was miserable. I came home and couldn't wait to just let it all out in the arms of my husband, and when I started to tell him the whole story, he fell asleep. It was a bad birthday.
I picked myself up and headed to work this morning, knowing that he was tired and we'd be able to catch up today when I got home. Today was a great follow up to yesterday and, as I pulled onto my road to come home, I noticed his brother's truck in my driveway, at 2pm, mind you. They were drunk, playing video games, when I walked in the door. His brother finally left at 5:30 and I tried to relax. Finally, I mentioned, very calmly, that I was dissapointed that he was drunk before I even walked in the door and that I had really needed to talk to him sober. He proceeded to call me selfish, he hadn't hung out with his brother for some time, and I couldn't stand that he had a good time. I always have to ruin things and I should feel ashamed of myself. Why can't I talk to him when hes been drinking? Hes not even drunk, anyway. And, how dare I insult him and tell him that hes acting like he doesn't care. All I want to do is control him.
He left, got some food, and didn't come home for 2.5 hours. I thought he had been arrested. Even more drunk when he came in the door, he lied to me about drinking at dinner and made several threats to leave me.
The worst part is that he won't wake up tomorrow morning and feel bad about this. He'll still think that I'm the bad guy because all he'll remember is the awful picture he painted of me when he was drunk. I don't know what to do.
I know I'm not perfect. I say stuff when I'm hurt that I may not mean. But, this has to stop. As a wife, I deserve a partner. Someone to comfort me when I've had a bad day, someone to appreciate if I've done something nice, someone to let me know I'm loved. Right now, I feel like I've got a roomate that I want out. Theres no sexual tension anymore, theres barely any affection, period. Please help.
I know that this whole thing is so cumbersome and I'm amazed if you're still reading. If you are and this sounds pathetic and whiny, I'm sorry. Theres just so much to tell that I can't edit myself to sound however I'm supposed to. But, if you have made it this far and you have some advice, a story, or encouragement, please share. I really need to know that someones out there.
Right now there's so much going on in your life. Our lives bcome unmanageable, the first step.
You are not alone. Some have successfully stayed in active alcoholic relationships. Others find they can't deal with it any more (that it affects their serenity). Either way there is hope.
The below are partial excerpts from our preamble (which I loved to hear and was all I could hear at the beginning of meetings):
We who live, or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
We urge you to try our program.It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity.So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place the problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
The Al-Anon program is based on the Twelve Steps (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous), which we try, little by little, one day at a time, to apply to our lives, along with our slogans and the Serenity Prayer.The loving interchange of help among members and daily reading of Al-Anon literature thus makes us ready to receive the priceless gift of serenity.
Al-Anon is an anonymous fellowship. Everything that is said here, in the group meeting and member-to-member, must be held in confidence. Only in this way can we feel free to say what is in our mind and hearts for this is how we help one another in Al-Anon.
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems.We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery.
Al-Anon is not allied with any sect, denomination, political entity, organization or institution; does not engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any cause.
Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.
I hope you will keep coming. Your life will most definitely improve. If you can, find a local alanon meeting. You can either dial 1-888-4al-anon.
Welcome, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I'm here. I have no advice. This is a great place to find support and in reaching out you are making a huge step toward serenity for yourself. I hate that you are unhappy in your marriage. My first year of marriage was a lot of fighting and loneliness. It went downhill from there. 10 years later we are almost divorced - maybe next week. We have a beautiful, sweet, amazing 9 year old girl. I am 39 and I am finally feeling like I might be sort of growing up. I am happy. You don't have to "sound" like anything. Just let it out. ((((Intrepid))))
Your writing style is easy to read (IMHO), don't worry about length, whining, venting or being "wrong", your testimony is so much like the rest of ours. Know you aren't alone here, dealing with alcoholism.
Though the details may differ, we have all been where you are, standing on a hill and looking at the landscape thinking "OMG, what have I gotten myself into??"
When we see a problem in a loved one, we want to fix it. In fact we put A LOT of energy into fixing it, as they seem either unwilling or unable to.
The first thing we all hear in Alanon meetings is
1. We did not CAUSE their drinking/alcoholism, no matter if they blame us, it's their elbow that bends the arm and brings the booze to the lips
2. We are powerless to CONTROL their drinking. We can't control what other people do or think, at least in a long term way. They sneak the booze, they hide it, they are surrounded by alcohol fumes and DENY they've been drinking, etc.
3. We cannot CURE their "disease" of alcoholism, by our love, by our devotion, by our patience or steadfastness in "sticking by them", in our threats to leave/divorce, or in actually doing so. Only the alcoholic has the power to stop. And they have to want to stop MORE than they want to get drunk. We can't convince them that they want or need to stop. It only comes to them when they are miserable enough to give up their booze for a better life.
It's best to face these facts. Educate yourself about alcoholism and by all means attend as many Alanon meetings as you can find. Break out of your isolation and let these wonderful people be there for you. Likely as not they've been there/done that and can help you navigate the tough stuff.
This forum is EXCELLENT for in between meetings, needing to get something "out", and does have online meetings as well.
I'm sorry you had to "find us" because you love an alcoholic and the disease is affecting your life. But I'm still glad you're here :), and hope to see you posting and writing WHATEVER you want as long as you want and don't worry about ettiquette, just worry about taking care of you.
Glad you posted and hope you can find a meeting near by.
Another thing about the meetings that is similar to this MIP board is a portion of the closing:
"A few special words to those of you who haven't been with us long: Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened.
We aren't perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special waythe same way we already love you."
Keep coming back here to post Let us know how you are doing and take good care of yourself.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place and you are not alone. It is the disease of alcoholism. If you can go to f2f meetings and read the Alanon literature it helps you understand the "ism" of alcoholism. They are charmers and well liked. My AHsober is just like that. He moved out 2 years ago. Just walked out of our marriage and everyone still thinks he is such a great guy. That is why in Alanon they tell us to focus us on ourselves because when we focus on the alcoholic we get sicker and sicker.
I'm a bad one to talk to right now because my ah just did the same crap to me. Every concern I had he had an excuse for here's what he actually said "I have reasons, to say I have an excuse to admit I am guilty of something which I'm not"
He told me to quit acting like I understand the alcoholic mind that I do not that I have no idea. I said Ok then why can I tell you what you're going to say and do before you do it?
If I would not have been educated about the alcoholic I might have actually fell into his crap again. I just hear the lies rolling out of his mouth. It's up to us to stop the chaos. To remove them, or remove ourselves but it has to stop. It's abuse, it's mental abuse.
I no longer like this man, I can no longer have great conversations with him. I don't know who this disrespectful, ass is. I don't want him or the trouble he brings. I don't like the way he makes me feel. I don't need to feel hateful.
Sorry so long, I want you to know you're not alone. They view life differently and I have a feeling that they will NEVER see it the right way. (my opinion) Take care.
Been there. I would say that 'blaming; is so commmon among alcoholics that is should be listed as a symptom of the disease. Thay alll do it - none of this is their fault, if you were only better, slimmer, better in bed, more loving, more understanding, more fun, a better housekeeper, a better cook, if, in short, you were PERFECT, then there would be no problem, Except, of course, if you were by massive output of energy to become perfect, he would say "Someone perfect like you intimidates poor pitiful me, I have to go to the bar to be around imperfect people like myself...." You can't win that race, so stop running.
Some of us have been able to find serenity and joy within our relationships with alcoholics, both active and sober. Some of us have found the strength to leave the A, and the insight to avoid picking out another one next time. Most of us are struggling somewhere on that path. Spend some time here, spend some time at a face to face meeting in your town (sure you can, it really isn't that scary). Read our literature, read old posts here. Not everything will apply to you, but enough will for you to feel that you really do belong. Welcome.
Thank you everyone. I had no idea that hearing back from each of you would feel so warm and comforting. I will be back to update and I am going to look up a meeting nearby.
Welcome Intrepid...you are in the right place. We do understand. Although our stories may differ we all have been affected by the disease of alcoholism. I too would suggest finding an Alanon meeting in your area. In going to alanon meetings I have found comfort in knowing I am not alone. There is also an online chat in MIP..lots of great people and lots of esh (experience ,strength and hope) Alanon gives us tools to use in dealing with the disease of alcoholism and in life. You will hear the 3C's...I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it. For me that really helped. Glad you found this board...hope you keep coming back.
welcome intrepid! alanon will help you so much. everyone here is different but we share a lot of chaacteristics. we can learn a lot about ourselves here. many relationships do strengthen in recovery even if omly one half is in recovery. it is very early days for you and all you need to do is keep going to meetings and as much as you can keep the focus on your own development. congratulations on finding the program
its ur fault.. its really my fault - just ask my ex everything was my fault - lol - even the sun coming up i must have had something to do with it
A friend and I one day got around speaking of angels - I said mine do come to visit. The friend said their angels visited them also. I ask could we change around some angels? They agree to an angel trade. We traden a few angels then.
Dear - lets trade blames, ok? Seriously I give it to god/dess, my h p as soon as an issue raises for me to worship - its easy and I will take blame for the portrait if you take blame for the phantom dog who runs about out front leaving poo, ok?
gentle paths n light n love n oceans of love, getoverit
All I could think towards then end when you said you'd be surprised if we got that far was.....YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
I'm glad Maria posted the parts of the opening/closing where we who live or have lived with alcoholism understand as few others can.
I may not have had every same experience you've had, but I think at one evening or another I had every same feeling.
Alanon is a very special place to discover that you aren't the only ones feeling these things and to learn about yourself, the disease of alcoholism and how if affects you.
I'm psyched that you are reaching out for a local meeting!
Keep coming back !
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Just want to welcome you. So sorry you had to look us up, but so glad you are here. We have all been where you are and understand.
Keep coming back. Alanon does work if you work it.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
its ur fault.. its really my fault - just ask my ex everything was my fault - lol - even the sun coming up i must have had something to do with it
A friend and I one day got around speaking of angels - I said mine do come to visit. The friend said their angels visited them also. I ask could we change around some angels? They agree to an angel trade. We traden a few angels then.
Dear - lets trade blames, ok? Seriously I give it to god/dess, my h p as soon as an issue raises for me to worship - its easy and I will take blame for the portrait if you take blame for the phantom dog who runs about out front leaving poo, ok?
gentle paths n light n love n oceans of love, getoverit
Thanks for posting. That whole thing reminds me of the beginning of my marriage and when it started to go down hill. I moved out a year ago and can't remember when I have been happier. I remember when it started like that and then progressed to him disappearing for 3 or 4 days in a row and spending thousands on the credit card. I remember wanting it to be better, his bitterness about my trying to control him, all of it. For me, leaving was the only solution and it was the best thing I could have done for me and especially for my kids! We are all in different phases here, some still with their alcoholic, some in various stages of contemplating leaving, some have recently left, some left long ago and none of it is easy! I am glad you took the time to post and remind me how I got into this and also that we slowly learn to tolerate more and more until eventually we are tolerating unthinkable things.
I'm sure that you're all aware of how much your responses impact me from experiences of your own, but I was not prepared for such immediate empowerment. I think that what is so precious to me is that, although none of you know me, you've each shared a very private story or relation or insight with me. It truly does make me feel welcome and united. So, thank you.
I have to say, though, that some of what was said sucks. :) I don't want to accept that I can't change him. But, even I know that its true. Could anyone give me insight on living with a recovering alcoholic? What happened to make them wake up and get help? I guess I'm still reaching for some event that I could somehow instigate.
After my last entry, I gave him the same old ultimatim and currently hes not drinking. I do realize that its not going to last forever, but I feel like its giving me some borrowed time to educate myself and truly evaluate things. So, please, again, any thoughts are appreciated.
I think I need to make my mind up about SOMETHING, you know? I used to be so determined and well organized - I was captain of the debate team! But, now, I find myself going into these arguments with him with a game plan and getting sucked into trying to explain things and defending myself that it all gets confused and flushed out the other side. Its so frustrating! So, regardless, I beleive this to be my next project - I need to decide something, big or small, and stick to it. I need to grow and regain some confidence to make the biggest decision one day.
Thanks, again, for your thoughts, prayers, and continued support. You all are truly invaluable.
