The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I lost it this week and I am reeling from the shaming and guilt. I really let the A have it yesterday. He called mid-day to tell me what a horrible experience he had, he sounded angry, then when I said I had to go as I was at work, he was abrupt and said he'd call tomorrow. Thereafter, he called me a number of times asking me what was wrong? It was pretty confusing for me and I'm tired of the circus. I asked him what was wrong with him.
In addition, I had a big job decision the past few weeks, I got paralyzed and over analyzed. I knew which one I wanted at the moment it happened, then let the A interject his fears and concerns onto me about my decision. While he later apologized and said he would support me, he continued to interject negative comments here and there. I then started doubting myself and I asked everyone what I should do. In the end, I let my indecisiveness go on for so long that I let the good opportunity pass. Two days ago I declined the offer I wanted. I know it was not the As fault -this was my choice and my responsibility. But I allowed his attitude and his fears affect me. Yesterday I was angry and resentful. I've learned a valuable lesson adn I suppose that was my HPs way of showing me what I should do next time.
I've been very indecisive with the A about whether or not to pursue a dating relationship with him too. In many regards I've seen a lot of growth and recovery. He is doing great. He has 90 days of recovery and I am hoping and praying for the best for him. But I don't think I can just date him anymore. I have to do what's right and best for me. We both learned a valuable lesson from one another and learned much about our issues and our disease. I was hopeful that we could work on it, and while there have been good moments, there are still buttons pushed and I am not feeling well enough or strong enoug to pursue this with him.
((((Twinkie)))))), We all ahve our slips. The important thing is to get back up and try not to beat yourself up over the slip. We are human and not perfect, and mistakes, slips, and old ways will still happen. Remember progress, not perfection.
As for continuing with it or not, only you and HP know what is right for you. I struggle with this with my hubby on a daily basis. I go back and forth to ask him to leave or to keep trying. There is only so much try I have left in me, and I have told him so.
For me the key is honesty. He knows I am getting tired of trying to rebuild a relationship that I am now convinced should never have happened. I was trying to force solutions when I kept up with it. In the end we all need to do what is right for us.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Don't have regrets, just move on with what you have now. It will work out okay. Who knows, maybe some of what the A said is true and it helped with your choice. Stay focused on the positives and good things will happen. Good luck with this job. :)
Great post! It was really helpful to me to read shared experience about being responsible and being human. Mahalo (Thanks).
I could related to both you and your alcoholic and the need for this program. The closing of our Face to Face meetings reads in part "You will come to realize that there is no situation to great to be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened." That is one of our promises for working this program of recovery. It was true for me.
What helped me much when I was and sometimes do get into the problem of indicisiveness and and expectations and actually all of the difficulties that life throws my way is my sponsor. I have had many many good ones. I have outlived a number of them and they have all help my life be easier to live. I would suggest that if you don't have one get one. If you do use her like all the other tools of this program.
Thanks for your esh. I will use some it right now in fact.
sorry to hear you are in shame. i am too. it sounds similar, i allowed the strength of my partners opinion to dissolve my own clarity. i say allowed but it was fast, i just found myself standing there weepy and lost and wondering what happened . he had invited me to be involved in a project with him and there i was like an eager puppy..... 2 days later i'm tired and disheartened and trying to understand what happened. i definately looked for bread in the hardware store this time! its the usual thing, he is clear, determined, strong, confident and i find myself wondering why i thought i had something to contribute. i have stepped out of the path of the oncoming train but i'm left with this shame that i'm not so clear and decisive as he is. i'm ashamed that i cant hold my ground too. and of course i'm ashamed about being ashamed! it is the nature of shame to make more of itself, the sharing has helped me so thank you for your post... coming out of isolation always helps me. i'm sorry my reply is so self absorbed but what i really want to say is....i understand. and shame has a way of playing itself out, the sharing breaks the cycle.
. he had invited me to be involved in a project with him and there i was like an eager puppy..... 2 days later i'm tired and disheartened and trying to understand what happened. i definately looked for bread in the hardware store this time!