The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Read something tonight about when you finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you are close to letting it go and moving on. hmmm, I wonder if this might be true if you let go and leave for good? then I wonder, if you don't leave, can it always be possible to let go?
I figgure I am going through stages of grief for the death of my dreams. Of corse it is not a straight line through but pacing back through the circle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and never quite ever going into acceptance but for a brief moment. Then a new wave of misery washes over me from the past, present and by then, hopeless looking future together marriad which renews the pains again and in more despair for the death of my dreams over and over again.
I accept it won't happen as I dream or tried to fix/control. But there is no other option that meshes with my desire to choose to honor commitment of marriage, provide family unit for children plus get my needs met. stubborn cuss, aren't I.
I was marriad w/no kids once before and divorced prior to this almost 25 year marriage and having kids. Double edged sword that I do not want to go that route again nor can I see how any positive changes will happen after so many years of hoping and working at this. How could I just keep trying over and over and over........
Each time I get close to letting go to move on and have some hope, another memory farther back surfaces to slap that hope away. I see the memory with fresh eyes and cycle again through anger and depression - I usually see the bargaining phase with the memory. Talk about knocking your head against a wall. And it is not like this has been addressed just now in Al aanon, I've had therapy off and on to deal with many issues but none of them with the addition of addiction being present also - another spin on the whole story though connected. I am unhappy to realize this disease has been going on in a slowly progressive way from bad to worse for my ah and for me over almost 25 years.
How can it be possible to let go of things that have been going on for 25 years. There are not that many years left to learn new tricks, how can I accept that I did the 'best I could' (sarcasm) for 25 years without waking up? How can I hope to expect recovery for ah or marriage or let go of so much time and events to acceptance for recovery. too little too late.......... me thinks
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
yes it is possible to let go of past hurts , but for me not with out talking them thru with my al anon friends and understanding mypart in the mess we called a marriage . Letting go dosent have to mean leaving the marriage , I chose to stay and work this prog to the best of my ability . that was 20 odd yrs ago , I am not sorry I stayed , sobriety was not the answer to all of our problems . My hsb has been sober 19 yrs and life just gets better . i was in this prog for 2and 1/2 yrs before he sobered up and I did learn how to be happy regardless of what he was doing . you can too . This is a simple program but never confuse it with easy every thing has to change , the way i think , react and realize that what i was doing before was not helping the situation at all , take responsibility for my part in it and leave the rest with him where it belongs. Find meetings get to as many as u can and you will find the serenity your looking for . Louise
When I get overwhelmed thinking about the past, memories, good or bad, and it starts to hurt me or make me mad or make me feel like I have to do or not do something because of those memories, I try to bring myself back into the moment. The decisions will become clearer. I have been confused alot lately. But what do I need to do today? Maybe I give myself some alotted time to think about the future, what I need to do to prepare, what will make me happy, but then I pretty quickly bring it right back to where are me feet? And I try to put my head right where my feer are. I don't know if this helps, but I'm hanging onto staying in today, just for today.
These are just my thoughts and the way I get through my days and life in general.
The past has it's purpose for whatever reason, everything we've been through has made us who we are and has taught us things here and there that we pass on to others.
I don't believe in mistakes, I believe that we learn from wrongs to better our future or to better the future of our kids.
I was in love with the idea of having a good or decent husband and we would raise our kids together. It didn't happen that way but ya know what I found out?? That my family of me and my three kids fills me up. That's all I ever needed. To have him in our lives would be a bonus but it's just not nessasary. It's all in the way we look at things.
There are a ton of things that could be redone in my life, gawd knows....but if they didn't take place I would not be the person I am today.
I do not need another person in my life to make me be fulfilled. If I want happiness then it's up to me and only me to find it.
I think it's totally normal to grieve what is lost or what you believe is lost, again it's YOUR way of thinking. There are ways to change the way you think. Maybe you could think of these things as blessings in disguise???
I used to be there and those thoughts have crossed my mind and over time and with counseling and LOTS of church I have realized that I am not the one in control but it is up to me and my free-will to change the way I think about things. I accept the things I can not change and courage to change the things I can.
Hmmm for me I call this "The Rut". Not moving forward, not moving backwards - just stuck somewhere in the hopeless middle, wondering what do I do now?
I am in "The Rut" now. For 2 years I have concentrated hard on moving forward, full speed ahead. There have been times where I have fallen in "The Rut" but somehow managed to pull myself out of it. Usually when my AH would screw up again and put me in "Full Speed Ahead" mode. Ya know? Then he would pull himself together again for awhile and "The Rut" was right there waiting on me for fall in it again.
This rut place sucks. My AH is doing great w/staying clean and pushing hard for reconciliation. I on the other hand just want to move on but can't manage get loose of his grip. So I am dawdling in this rut, refusing to go completely backwards but not able to move forward. Just stuck. I have been married for 15 years and turning away from that is harder than I ever imagine it would be. I look to a possible future of unknowns but also possibly something better than I could ever imagine. I look to the past and remember the good times but also see all the bad, all the heartache. I want to leave the past in the past but here in this rut, I have the past flashing on one side and the future flashing on the other and my AH gripping tightly to keep me from that future w/out him.
Oh the life w/an A. So full of drama, so full of ups & downs, so full of "What do we do now?"
I hope you find your answers and that they are the ones that make you feel the best about yourself and your life. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I know for me I couldn't have let go without moving out. I'm not sure how people who stay do it, they must be very very strong and have a lot of will power!
I like what QOD said about the rut. I have been in the rut for a long time get out and slide right back in getting sucked in by promises of change, etc. I think the important thing is to see the rut and avoid it next time rather than getting sucked back in to the same old spot!
the death of the dreams was a hard one for me. I had to grieve that. Now I am putting into place new dreams. I am still incredibly sad and often angry but not in overwhelm anymore. I came here and put a lot of it out there. That helped immeasurably.
As hard as it sounds, you don't have to do anything right now but take care of you.
To me it sounds like you are "still in there", my own phrase for when I go down deep and look at stuff I haven't ever looked at honestly. It is profoundly GOOD, it is profoundly SAD and the only way to get through it is to stay in touch with your Alanon buddies, go to meetings right and left if you can, and give yourself permission to grieve. You do have much to grieve.
Grief for us is a huge step forward. It means we are finally facing the facts. It takes time to "face" them. The outcome is acceptance, as my beloved Alanon friends tell me. With acceptance comes peace and the release of the good energy we've kept pent up inside too darn long.
Just like when someone we love dies, it is a process we must push through.
Don't worry if you'll "never get past" your past, of course you will. Grief serves a purpose.
You will emerge so much stronger, more honest, and with a capacity for serenity and peace you did not have before.
Note I said NOTHING about your alcoholic. He has nothing to do with this. This is all about you.
Take extra good care of yourself, little things like Twinkies or Starbucks or baths or getting a new houseplant, and big things like Alanon meetings, reading literature and SELF FORGIVENESS. Boy is that a big one for me.
QQD, I feel the same way.....I'm in that rut. I know I don't want to go back to where I was with my rec.A. and I am trying to plug along with my future...I'm going back to school... but my rec.A, keeps pulling me in. I am starting counseling on Monday and hopefully this will help me.
