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How hard is it for you to speak the truth and not feel guilty? It is easy for me when it is what the person wants to hear... very, very hard when it is not.
Last night was a really tough one... For about a month my wife has been so happy with her "sobriety".... I say that skeptically only because most times she is around us she is guarding a styrofoam cup with a lid and a straw like a hawk. Of course she reeks of beer... and I have taken a stance of ignoring it.
Well of course we are trying to have some important discussions about custody and such... which is very emotional anyway. And she insists that she is going to fight for that since she is now sober. *sigh*
So I told her what I see as the truth.... I am glad you have talked with some people, and every single thing you do to try and get better is wonderful, but the truth is that I don't think it would be right until you are really not drinking anymore, and have a little of that under your belt. It's just not what is best for our son.
Of course she was very defensive about the drinking, so I calmly told her that drinking it from a straw is no different from drinking it from a can, it is perfectly obvious when you drink right in front of us.
Of course she exploded... and I felt very guilty about the whole thing on one hand, and yet on the other, does it help her to allow her to believe she is fooling everyone to the point of basing arguments on the lie?
I don't know... today that is part of yesterday, and I have new challenges ahead. Just trying to sort it out a bit for next time it comes up... in case I want to do something different.
Hope you are all enjoying the day.... make it a great on!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know how you are feeling about telling things truthfully and feeling guilty for the pain you know it causes that person you are telling it to. I have a HUGE problem with this one. HUGE! To the point that know I NEED to tell the truth but can't bring myself to do it is interfering with my day to day life, my attitude, my well being.
My AH has been doing wonderfully in staying clean....as far as I know. He doesn't live w/me any more so I cannot be for sure. However, he has been working every day, giving me money and coming around all of the time. Problem is, in my attempt to make things easy for him and for the kids, I have been overly nice. This has led him to believe we will be able to reconcile our marriage, thus leading him to become over affectionate, which led to the bedroom last week. NOW I AM IN A REAL FIX. NOW he thinks we ARE back together and NOW he thinks we will be revisiting the bedroom any time he wants!
The truth is, I was weak and lonely, gave into the physical last weekend BUT I do NOT want to get back together with him. I do NOT want to be married to him. I do NOT want him living w/me. I DO love him (not in-love), care for him and want him to continue doing well. I know that I have to tell him this AGAIN!!! and it will make him so mad AGAIN!!! But for me to allow it to continue is eating me alive and making me sick to my stomach 24/7. I just need to find the strength and bravery to do this no matter how it hurts.
It takes great strength to just throw it out there plain and simple. Just yesterday I was trying to explain (lol) to my sponsor how I didn't want to piss my A off. It's more than just saying what I mean and meaning what I say...it's not wanting to deal with his static. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn to knots. But it needs to be done.
It's not that I can't say what needs to be said, I can. I just can't deal with what I know will come next-- the battle, the insults, the friction. So the outcome is it's own kind of misery, wanting to push forward but stuck not wanting to deal with the inevitable insanity.
RT, keep moving forward. Keep asking HP to give you the strength to do what needs to be done -- to provide that perfect timing to say what needs to be said. Then let it go. It's what I'm trying to do myself.
It may get to the point that custody and many other things will have to be decided by the courts. In my situation, I keep telling myself, we should be able to discuss this, we should be able to work out some of this ourselves. The reality for me is it can't be -- I'm dealing with someone who is so sick and their thinking isn't staight at all.
I wish you the best -- and am praying you find the strength to do whats best for you.
I sure don't enjoy doing this either. I don't enjoy the blow ups, even though they aren't really "my problem", they sure are my problem when it's in my face.
I have a lot of fears I'm dealing with that are irrational in a big way. They will get me in big trouble if I indulge them. While my exA is not in the picture, I still have plenty of hard things to admit and ask for.
The few things I have just *done* whether scared to death or not were definitely not as awful as I thought they would be. What "happened" was close to what I thought would happen, but my feelings afterward were RELIEF from holding myself back.
To own up to your observations "on principle" is a willingness to endure the pain or anticipated pain for YOUR OWN sake, and secondly for the sake of another.
QOD I'm thinking of your situation as I write this.
rtexas, you may have gotten your hair blown back by the "gale", but it was a kindness to tell your wife what you know, for you and secondarily for her. You set us a great example!
When I read your post all I could think about was "good for you rtexas". Kids need someone to stand up for them and I think you are totally right. I know she loves her children with all her heart but she has a bad sickness. She needs to get herself better before she destroys what childhood her children have left. Keep being their advocate and think of them when you are a bit scared to confront her. Those kids need YOU to protect them, talk for them!!! You can do it. ((((((rtexas))))))
I can't say I miss the explosion stuff which seems to go hand in hand with dealing with the A. I don't feel guilty anymore about dealing with it though. I'm no longer prepared to walk on eggshells around anyone.
That being said I am also aware of my limits in controlling anyone. I set limits around people but when I find myself having to clarify a lot to people that's a red flag. Of course she is someone who you have dealt with for years. She has also learend to hide, manipulate and deceive. Those things are pretty hard to give up she'd feel powerless without them. Dealing with an active A seems to me to be between a rock and a hard place so please give yourself credit for trying.
I know EXACTLY what you mean! I think this is a lot of what keeps us in these situations, fear of their reaction. The unpleasantness of their yelling and screaming about something we say or do. I know for a long long time I was scared to say things to him for fear of hurting his feelings, making him use, making him do stupid things, etc. I am not a confrontational person normally but I'm getting better. We'll see how I do when he gets out of prison in a couple weeks and I have to deal with him again. Custody is always THE issue with him and it's funny how when he has the opportunity he doesn't take it. Seems as if it's only important as a measure of control. You did great, the doing of it is the hardest part and it is never usually as bad as we imagine it to be. It's been a year, you're both still alive, that says something LOL! I must promise myself to never again be concerned about other people's opinions of me when I'm saying something they don't want to hear!
The way I see it, she doesn't mind lying to you straight faced about being "clean" and so why should you mind about pointing out that you know she's not? It's a fact, not a personal attack! Anyway, just my opinion.
This reminded me of my ah's last dealings with alcohol. As we were in the emergency room of the ER b/c an old "buddy" had broken his jaw. The nurse is asking him all kinds of questions, he is reeking of beer b/c he had been drinking pretty much non-stop for weeks and he states "I'm a recovering alcoholic". I just about fell out of my chair laughing--probably b/c it was either that or cry. But I replied with--"Well maybe tomorrow, but not quite today!"
I personally always hated feeling like I was being made a fool of. I would always call him on being drunk/high just for the sheer fact of not wanting him to think he was getting one over on me. Was that the best way to handle it, probably not, but I guess it was my way of reassuring myself I wasn't imagining it, this was really happening. (I speak in past tense b/c right now he is sober, but this really goes with everything, not just the drinking and drugging bit--I even hate it when my kids try to "pull the wool over my eyes"!!!!)
I think you handled everything well RT, it's just not any fun!!!! I am sorry for the hard times. Just keep doing what is right for you and your son!
That is a tough one! IMHO, you handled things just right!
If other people want to live in denial of reality, that is their right of course! We can let them go on playing whatever game they want to right up and until it starts interfering with our reality.
Not causing a fight every time someone is doing something I don't want them to do is good for me. Not letting them do something that might harm me or mine if I can help it is good for me too! .
And one more thought, lol
say what you mean mean what you say but dont say it mean
I have been trying to add one more line to that little slogan,
(((((rt))))))), For me, I examine my motives. Why am I saying it, do I have expectations on the other person's response? Do I say what I mean and not say it mean?
I have taken the stance that I want my husband to know that he isn't fooling me for a minute. I want to be open and honest with him about where I am coming from . No hiding where I am at emotionally anymore.
I think you handled things right, but that is my humble opinion.
Keep working it. All you can do is the best for you and your son.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Over the past several years, I have listened to my A lie. I don't think of it as lying to me, but more to himself. That way he can "justify" what he is doing, eventhough we all know that addicts don't need a reason to drink or drug. I have learned to ignore that. Once in a while depending on the circumstance, I have ventured to say "You really believe that?" But I know the truth, and I believe deep down in his heart he knows what's really going on. I have the feeling he's more ashamed of his relapses than he's letting on. So for now, I let it be. After all, he has work on his own recovery. It's not up to me. All I can do is be loving and supportive and get on with things. It's that old detachment tool getting used again and again. As for the guilt, I don't let it get to me. I can't. For if it does, I'll go back to enabling him and I'm not going down that road again. It spells disaster for both of us. You did really well in this situation. Alot better than I use to. I'm proud of you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 07:40, 2007-09-22
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know that for me it's hard to say what I want to tell my rec.A. and not feel guilty.
We are currently seperated( I made him leave) and he keeps asking me why and I keep giving him my why....and it's like he hears what he wants to hear and it's a vicious cycle....he gets mad and doesn't understand....and he makes me feel llike I need to start second guessing myself, that my feelings don't matter.
