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Just got off the phone with my ex AW. Yesterday was her birthday and my adult children and myself did not call her. Her drinking has interfered with our lives to the extent that we have decided on the tough love route. Get treatment and we will be there, until then we can't be there for you.
I think she might be ready to take the next step and get inpatient treatment. I commend her for that. My question is what are the experiences of the group on what happens after treatment? There are obviously so many issues. Can a person have hope in recovery? Can they learn to live a whole new way without alcohol? I know that AA is an important step and necessary. But can they get to the point where they stop blaming everyone else for what has happened?
I believe in having love as a component of recovery, but I don't want to fall into the slippery slope of have the insanity return. Can the love of family and friends help in recovery?
I guess I have so many questions on where this will take me and my children. I want to help the A, but I want my children to have the wisdom of my life experiences to help them. Any thoughts?
Just want to throw some support your way. I don't have any esh per se. My AHsober quit on his own, worked a program and then has been off his program for years. He doesn't drink but addicts in other ways. Whenever I attend AA meetings or listen to speakers I am impressed with the help they get from sponsors and other AA members. I think that you definitely need love and support from family but the real success seems to be the formula of an alcoholic helping and an alcoholic as written by Bill W in the Big Book.
Alot of questions that will probably not be answered. I'll do my best with what I know from my experiences. 1) All can have hope in recovery however do not set expectations that may not be met to YOUR expectations.
2)They can learn to live without alcohol but........it's not over night and that is the longest and hardest part. It's like having a child and reteaching them a totally different way to live then what they were used to. That's why YOU should go to meetings to learn how to live differently as well.
3)They will get to a point of stop blaming everyone, it is a step in AA to do so.
4)Love and support will and can help but take it slow and don't be too overwhelming with it. She is very fragile and may be embarrassed and may want to be private with her recovery, take the signs from her and respect her wishes.
5) You can take your children to ala-teen or private counseling.
Take it day by day. Go on with your life and do everything to better yourself and your children. Leave her recovery up to her. It takes a long time to get to the end result....sobriety. :)
Yes, recovery is possible. It takes a lot of work, though, and is not easy. It also does not get you a perfect human being at the end of it all - first, because there is no end, and second, because there is no perfection. This is why we stress - work your own program, don't think too much about what the A is doing.
You might benefit, though, by doing some AA reading, or going to an open meeting, or listening to some speaker tapes. There is a lot of hope there, and inspiration.
This is a tough one for me as i am a bit jaded when people talk of treatment centers. I have seen some who have been in and out of treatment without any real change. If they do it for the right reasons, I think it can be effective. If they just want to blame others and are looking for a quick fix to their problems then it isn't going to get them very far. I think its all in the attitude.
That said, it really doesn't matter anyway. Your job is to take care of you, supporting her with love and kindness, but a hands off aproach so as not be dragged into the craziness again and not interfere with her process. My AH is 3 weeks sober, now. I am trying to have no expectations whatsoever. It is really hard, but I'm getting better at it. If I don't expect anything then I can just be thankful for any small accomplishment and not resentful when things don't go my way.
Anyway thats all I have. I know its not much. Hopefully some of the others will have more to say. I will be interested to hear, too.
Just remember to take care of you. That's all we can really do anyway.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
What I read in your post is "What is going to be the out come." And there really isn't an answer for that when it comes to your AW. That is up to her and only her.
I can tell you that yes, there is hope in recovery for you. You have the opportunity to recover from the affects of Aism on your life. You have the opportunity to learn new ways of thinking and new ways of dealing with people...especially the As in your life. You have a program in front of you that you and only you can work. Just as you AW has the opportunity to participate in a program for her sobriety. It's a choice.
Right now, how much time do you give to focusing on her and what she might do vs. how much time you spend thinking about your life and your happiness? We have our own steps to work, we learn to shift our focus on to the things we can change and it's pretty empowering.
We all at some time or another question if recovery is really possible for the As in our life. It helped me to go to an open AA speaker meeting to see those who do have sobriety and what AA has given them. Only keep in mind, that your recovery is what's most important. Keep the focus on you -- where you actually have some power to control things
Love is a one of those things that has so many sides. Lets talk compassion for the A -- to me this is love with understanding, it's not conditional and it's accepting that our loved ones have a disease (that they didn't choose to become an A). It's not pitty, it's not degrading to them or us, it's not self-sacrificing. Compassion for me goes hand in hand with detatchment.
I am a very out come oriented person, lol. I want to know everything -- how it works, how it will turn out -- all so that I can plan what I need to do or anticipate what will be required of me. My ESH to you would be to live in this one moment, keep your focus on what is going on in your life for this one day, not yesterday or tomorrow, and keep it in your day - not her day. I was amazed at how much I became aware of once I started living just 24 hrs at a time.
There is always hope , especially in recovery . For me the best way to support the alcoholic is to get to as many meetings as I can , they are not the only ones who have to change , we all do . An alcoholic cannot come home to an old i dea and hope to stay sober . by getting my own program and changing what I can , ,my attitude I am able to support the A without resentment or fear. learn all u can about this disease and how it has impacted your life . Love will not cure alcoholism thier drinking prob has nothing to do with not loving the family alcohol is just so powerful and takes over thier lives . sobriey is not the answer to all of lifes problems but it helps . good luck Louise
There is always hope for recovery. Like Abbyal said the best way we can support them is to work on our recovery. I know this program works because after hubby relapsed briefly after a year+ of sobriety, I handled things differently. When he had relapsed before I found Alanon, I handled things badly. This time I was upset (because I know how hard he tried) but I was also so much more calm. The fact that he was comfortable enough to tell me (even though I knew) and we talked about it calmly was huge. Something I always tell the newbies on this board: Your recovery has to be about you and for your, regardless if your A chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
I certainly understand your fear of getting caught in the insanity again. I think that's normal for all of us. Who wants to walk down that road again? One of my favorite daily meditation books is: More on the Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie. It helped keep me centered. Don't forget the dynamics of a active relationship vs. a sober one are very different. Alanon helps keep my head in the game. I hope she finds her way to recovery. I know you are well on your way.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
There is hope in recovery. We have two strong couples meetings in our area. Those that have two that are serious about their recovery and communication can thrive.
That being said, I think the most important component is for each of you to concentrate on loving yourselves right now. If you do that you will be poised for wonderful things to come.... with or without your A.
Changed attituded can AID recovery, they don't provide it. You can choose to recover from the affects of alcoholism but she has to choose her own path.
I've seen it go all ways, relapses, healthy recovery...and stuck in dry drunk.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
My mother in law always said where there is life there is hope. I just can't live on hope anymore so I had to give it up. My A went to inpatient treatment at least 3 times and each time was back at it in short order. If the person is ready to do what it takes to get better then they will and if they're not they wont. I agree that you shouldn't have expectations that she will magically be better. I would hope for the best but plan for the worst and expect nothing to change. Then if it does it's a happy surprise. You can love someone as a human being without enabling them and playing into their games. I think a lot of people expect them to just be better and it to all go away because they went to get fixed but most of the things we hate about them are personality traits that don't go away just because they quit drinking/using. They get more irritable, they get absorbed in meetings rather than going out getting drunk and in the end you're still alone for the most part. Sure that's a healthier obsession than drugs/alcohol but I think it doesn't end up that you get what you wanted or were expecting when they get better. After a long time I think it's possible. I have no idea what the success rate of treatment is but I'm thinking like 10% or something, not very good in any case. All you can do is encourage and be supportive but realize that it won't get better quickly.
Hi Art I don't come that often to this board at the moment, but really like the comments that come up. Yes of course there is hope in recovery. I think it's useful to know though that alcoholism is a double edged sword. The alcohol is a problem we know that. When they stop the alcohol whats left is the ISM. The obsessive behaviour that created the problem in the first place. My husband went into recovery in May 06 but didn't reach anything like normal behaviour till the December. He still has his ISM's. The difference now is that the program is helping him to discuss the problems as they come up and take some responsibility for them, eventually. It's not easy. There are times when his behaviour is very like that when he was drinking. I have my alanon group to support me with that PLUS his sponser who is very supportive. I have to work my problem as hard as he works his. Detachment with love is still VERY important and Let Go And Let God. Acceptance of a Higher Power is essential. BUT we laugh more. We have better relationships with our adult children. We do more together. Conventions are brilliant. They have parties where alcohol is NOT the focus. We have fun now. Life goes on. We were separated and now we're not. Hope IS there. I think we just have to accept that our marriages are not fairy tale ones. We have to work at them. ...BUT THEN if not these problems there would be others. An alcoholic in recovery can be a lovely person. Good luck and remember ONE DAY AT A TIME even in recovery x Mon
I think another thing to keep in mind is that with true recovery, you do not get back the person you married. You get someone else. That someone may be a person you want to be married to, and who wants to be married to you, but it also may not.
An alcoholic is not a perfectly normal person who suddenly develops a drinking problem. Even if the person has drunk normally for years, the seeds of the disease are still there. I met my husband when he was 30. The drinking really started causing problems for us about 15 years later. However, once I really started to learn something about the disease, I could see the signs of it from when I first met him. I can also see the signs of it in stories he and his family tell about his teen years and childhood, years before we met. He was ALWAYS an alcoholic. It just took until he was in his 40's to realize that that was what the problem was. After he sobered up, he was still an alcoholic. He learned better ways to deal with life, he found some true recovery, but he did not become a flawless person. He did not go back to that 'hidden' alcoholic he was when we met. He grew into a different man, one that in many ways was better than the one I married, but who in some ways I did not like as much. This is why you can not base your happiness on whether or not the A sobers up. You can only base it on your OWN recovery, your own path.
yes Lin Being with my husband today is like being with his twin. He has a very patchy memory of all that went before. I was married to one man for 20 years. We separated for 2 years. Then he found recovery. It feels like I am with a different man. Not quite a stranger because he knows things others cannot. He's lost 2 stone in weight, so he looks the same but different. It is strange. I have expectations because I got used to certain reactions. But reactions today are different. It takes getting used to. I fear the return of the old person but as well miss what was familiar. I suppose I have to learn to trust this new person and fall in love again... which doesn't mean I don't love him, I do... As you say I have to work my own program and develop an independance I didn't have before. He will ALWAYS be an alcoholic and I too will always be in recovery. But his recovery DOES contain it's own joys. It's still something to thank my Higher Power for daily
