The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just wanted to share or vent a bit. This weekend was a nice weekend and then Sunday morning rolls around and I don't have the same feeling I had to go to church. We found this church that my AH's sponser introduced us to. The pastor's and the people seemed to be warm and welcoming. It felt as though we were building a new fellowship of friends. Slowly though I began to see some attitude changes in a few people, especially when we could not make certain events or meetings. The church is small and the pastors are trying to get it to grow.
Well for the last month I guess my AH's sponser has not returned any calls, the last time we were at church his sponser was not there. One of our friends said he was having problems with work and feeling down. O.K. hey that was at least some information or insight into why he wasn't returning calls. AH called him twice that day and left caring messages but no return call. AH in the past had asked his sponser if he'd mind coming to our side of town for a meeting but he never would. AH say's I only know what this person wants me to know and that there is more to him than meets the eye. O.K. left it at that.
The dilhemma we are having is that his sponser is involved in so much of the church, and its a small church. (Get my drift) AH has felt that some of the A's that attend the church and also the home group of his sponser are either judging or just not taking him serious because my AH has stopped going to that home group, for no other reason than its a far distance and we are on a gas budget. He found a group close to home and close to my brother's were he can drop off the kids and get a meeting in. The program even encourages us to attend meetings within "our" community.
I have to remember that people are human and make mistakes. I also have to remember I'm dealing with A's. They don't always do things they way other people do them. My AH is mostly hurt and wounded because he feels let down and rejected by this person. If his sponser relapsed and didn't want to say anything, o.k. fine but then at least call and say hey I'm sorry I don't think I'm in a place to be your sponser anymore. AH left him an angry message yesterday and no return phone call. We have decided not to go back to the church because we just aren't sure about this guy anymore and what he might be saying about us. I have never been big on organized religion and the biggest reason is this very particular thing. People getting too much in your business and when you can't make it to a function or a service one weekend they treat you like your not a serious believer. This experience has not diminished my faith in my HP or that he will bring me to a place of fellowship that I can build trusting friendships. I am sad because for a while I was feeling like we belonged or fit in and finally we were building a network of friends in our lives. We have lived so isolated for the last five years due to the disease and AH's insecurities he never really wanted to go to church before. I never wanted to really "expose" our true lives to people either.
It has inspired me to try another church closer to home though. Maybe it would be better to start fresh with no program related contacts bringing us in. If AH doesn't want to attend I'll leave at that, I'd just like to continue on the path the kids and I were on and hopefully meet some good people we can trust. We'll see. Thanks for listening.
Peace to all today, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have found a church that for me really goes the extra mile in using any guilt tactics, it's a very positive place.
We need people to do this...'if you are so moved, please' That is it.
Comes time for an offering...'if you are moved to offer' and our offering blessing is an affirmation of our abundance, not a reminder of what we are 'giving away'. We are 'inivied if we are so moved to place our offering over our heart duing the affirmation.'
There was recently a world day of prayer and we had open slots. I was postively moved, beyond my negative self talk to volunteer.
I'm shy (you might not know that here). I've avoided fellowship for two months after the meeting. I'm so shy I was giving up FREE FOOD ! I was never pressured, I was invited to come to fellowship personally once or twice, but never pressured.
I give of my time and resources as I feel moved. When I do give here, I do so out of such a postive place and not one of guilt that I should/have to give this and that I have to do this.
Heck this church specifically mentions that you are not expected to give up your other beliefs or denominations. Come as you are, when you wish. A friend of mine asked to attend with me yesterday. One of the trustees came into the service late. I found out later he was going to skip the service that day and just drop something off. He came in because he saw my friends truck ! Imagine, a trustee that doesn't feel like he has to be there every Sunday? LOL
I'm new here and I'm sure I'll hit some speedbumps. I hope I don't come off as promoting. I'm just sharing my excited experience that I found a place for the me that I used to think of a religious misfit. I too did not like organized religions for various reasons. Now I feel like a spiritual being that has found a place that resonates w/ me and how I view my HP, especially now that I'm in program.
I'm glad to see that you haven't given up finding someplace. I notice that I share a common trait with many people in program. Sometimes I think I'm terminally unique. That changed after this program.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I was really like that about organized religion too and I almost gave up all together until I found our church. I church hopped until I found the right one. It took a couple of years. At one church the married girls treated me like the plaque because I was a pretty girl who's husband was out of the picture and they treated me like I was gonna focus in on their husbands. OUCH. So I left there. I remember that people are people and some hide thier true self under the cloth (if ya catch my drift) I'm me no matter what. In my church, it's big enough that you don't have to get involved if you don't want and it's small enough that you can make a few friends. There are going to be clicks where ever you go. Just stick to your true selves and do what's best for you and your family. Everyone is just trying to make it in this world the best they can with what they know and sometimes they don't know much. LOL ;) I hope you do find a church where you feel comfortable in. Keep looking, you'll feel it. Big hugs for you (((((((twinmom2 & hubby))))))))
Thanks Bob and FOY, its so good to hear that people have found those places and are having good experiences.
The no pressure thing is really big for me and the family, sometimes we just want to lay low and do something else as a family. I think a big thing for me that I will have to learn to adjust to is that as a kid going to synagogue, man if you didn't show up to Hebrew school or a service at our temple look out. This was a during a time in my formative years when we were studying for Bar and Bat Mitzvah's. I began to branch out this area and religion in my life and have found some wonderful spiritual places and people along the way. Maybe this is just another step to my journey. I think we actually are going to try a new place this weekend that looks like it will suit both of our needs. A fresh start, yeah!!
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I am sorry for the difficult time you have had with that church. I remind myself weekly--everyone is just human and everyone has faults and failings. This doesn't always make me feel better when others have hurt my feelings, especially at church, but I try. I personally expect alot from people who go to church--not that they go to certain functions or give a certain amount of money, but that they treat each other the way they would want to be treated. I must say--most people fail that test of mine!!! I keep going, keep doing what I can do and try to not let the rest of it affect me. Now that is not to say that you should keep going to that church!! I hope that you can eventually find a place where you feel comfortable. Good luck with your search!
I think the sponsorship road can be hard. The key for me in everything is not to take it personally. A friend of mine who has been very generous to me in the A aftrermath found religion in the last few years. He has been incredibly generous and giving to me and I appreciate that. On the other hand he has also been judgemental and pushy sometimes. I try to take the good with the bad. One key for me is not to have too high expectations. i try to set goals of say 5 recovery partners and work on that rather than settle on one or two. I don't do that well with intensity.
I certainly really understand the isolation. The A and I lived in tremendous isoaltion. He was off out all the time working (or so he said) socializing (I think it was drug taking) and I was driven crazy.
I found it incredibly hard to reach out and let people know where I was because I felt shame. I don't feel shame anymore but I do feel isolated and vulnerable.
I hope the next attempt at reaching out works out.
