The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Looking for the thoughts of some of you who have been there before me.......
H is sober about 2 months, going to AA and an aftercare program. Has been an A for 20 some years. We've been married 18 years.
Our marriage has not been good for some time....4-5 years. Looking back alcohol has played a big part in this.
Lately, h wants affection, intimency, etc, I don't even trust him fully. Most days he is not really pleasant to be around. He talks very little about recovery and his progress.
I was thinking that he has always had alcohol in his life....I have always been second on his priority list.....I have also always felt that he really dosn't know me....and I'm thinking because it was the alcohol that he loved, and wanted to be with.
Does this make sense?? Is there hope?? I am so lost as to how I feel. I go from hopefullness to hoplessness.
My Ah has been sober for almost 60 days. He had one episode where he came home drunk once. So as he says 59 of 60 days sober. I don;t think of it thatt way. Anyways he also want the intamicy and sex. I don;t trust him and I am scared to let him back in. We still live together ut he has been doing his AA and working and I have been busy with the kids and getting ready to start school myself. I don't know what the future hold for us. If I don;t want intamicy or anything I tell him. He seems to be understanding. For now we are together what the next days week or years hold I have not idea. For today I am happy with my choice. That is all I can be for now. Follow what you want and what is est for you. That will make you the happiest.
Is there hope for your marriage? Who knows? AA and alanon do not promise to save marriages, but they can save lives and sanity. You have lived with alcoholism for 18 years, so even if he becomes the poster boy for sobriety, you will have your own fallout from that time to deal with.
In my own case, I started with alanon when my husband sobered up, mostly because they told him at rehab that it would be a good idea for me to go. Being the dutiful wife who always did what was expected of her, I toddled along. Anything to support my husband, and all that.... Later, when the reality of sobriety hit us, and it became clear that he had to totally find himself again, as he did not know how to be the man he was when not drinking, I started to take it more seriously. Eventually, almost by osmosis, some real healing started to happen. After four years, alanon is 98% me, and only a little about the alcoholic in my life.
No matter what happens in your marriage, you could probably use some friends who understand what you have gone through, and are going through now. Welcome.
(((Wendy))), I relate to your post. I often told me "A" I wasn't on his top ten list of priorities. His drugs were his other lover. I was the bitter wife who tried to compete with something, and always lost.
Is there hope for your marriage, I can't answer that. Trust is hard to rebuild. I am still trying to do that with my hubby, and everytime we make some progress his disease kicks in and we are back to square one.
Do you want it to work? It is all about you, he has a part in this yes, but it begins with you.
I hope everything works out for you.
Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I'm in your situation in a way, I am the one that has changed I think. For my A while he was drinking nothing changed for him. While I was growing he was left right where he was at (I hope that makes sense) I've realized what I deserve and right now I can not hug and kiss him and when he's around I am angry. He does what he knows and I try to understand that. I feel as if I don't know the person he is, I don't know who I married and for the last eight years I've changed and I don't know who he is because communication stopped on my part. I quit trying. I don't know if I could even fall in love with him. I stay married for convienience (sp). If the right person came along I would probably be gone because I know I deserve to be loved and my children deserve to have a loving male role model in their life. It's so complicated and it's really hard to make a decision. If you and your A are willing to get help or counseling then there could be a wonderful chance of having a happy marriage, if that's what you want. You would have to work for it. Good luck ^i^
Wow! I really knew I'd get some great responses. Thanks to all of you who shared some very kind and true words. I do have some great real life friends but they trully have no idea what this whole world of AA is!! I really appreciate it and hope that someday I can help someone as much!!
Staying in the relationship for convenience sounds like operating in a state of fear. A fear that there are some things you will lack if you're not with him. It sounds like your bartering yourself for those things.
Maybe that is just my perspective due to my ESH. For about 10 years I could have left and could have had someone else. I stayed because it was 'the right thing' fear I'd have my kids turned against me, fear of this and that. All it did was make me bitter and resentful. I'm finding that I'm doing better dealing w/ the A with the big things that piss me off. But those small things are sometimes able to trigger me. They bring those feelings right to the forefront. Living like that made me feel like the victim, it really did. I remember thinking, I don't deserve to be treated like that, sometimes I remember thinking....so and so wouldn't treat me like that. But I didn't do anything to make any changes from being treated like that, I just got angry and bitched and moaned.
It wasn't until I said I deserve to be happy and started thinking about what I could do to make myself happy did I start drifting towards a decision in peace.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
