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Hey all, new here, my ex-girlfriend has recently started going through AA and becoming sober (well 4 months here next week). Im very pround of her. She wanted space when she first started going through it, and me being clingy, didnt know how to do that, which partially made way to our breakup. I still love her like crazy, and I don't know what to do. So, I have made my way here, she suggested I start here and possibly going to some local meetings. I still want to be there for her and support her through her trials of being sober. This is a new experience for me, any one have some advice that can help me?
((((Jason)))), Welcome to MIP, glad you found us. Alanon is very useful and helps us to take the focus off of the "A" and back on us where it belongs.
All I can say is this program works, if you work it.
Focus on you, and you getting healthy while your ex is doing the same for her.
My "A" and I went through something very similar. We seperated in 2002. He went to AA moved in with his sponsor. I moved into my own place with our daughter and our unborn child. I worked on me. He and I became friends and that was a start. I actually liked him again.
Someone once said in a meeting I went to the desperate wasn't attractive. In the begginning of our seperation I was desperate to get him back. He was all I wanted. After sometime in alanon that obsession went away, I wanted to be happy.
One week shy of his one year clean date we got back together. He told me something that before would have caused me to have a fit of tears, but that girl wasn't me anymore. Instead I wished him well and told him the only regret that I had is that he and I never had never tried to be together while we were healthy.
There was more to it than that, but at that momment I wasn't desperate, and he was able to see my growth. We grew back together.
That may or may not happen for you and her. But no one knows.
Go to meetings, work the program, and focus on you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Needless to say it's been harder than I thought, I am giving her her space and time as she needs. I have the same feelings, desperate to get her back, but by the sounds of it, give her more space and time and support her if she needs it. Friendship seems like its the key, almost sounds like I'm going through what you did (minus the kids :))
So I probably should go to some meetings, see if that will help me, it's worth a shot, I don't have anything to really lose now, only things to possibly gain :)
Getting involved in this program will help you look inside yourself, and find the answers to some questions. "Why am I desperate to have her/him back?" "What does 'Because I love him/her' really mean?"
Many of us started alanon with the desire to help our alchollic loved ones. It only really works, however, if we take the focus off of them , and keep it on ourselves.
Thanks for the info lin, I think I'm going to start into looking at going to local meetings, and work on me for a while. I will keep you all informed of what comes around.
(((Jason))), You had me thinking back to that time in my life, one of the most difficult ones I have ever been through. But I can honestly tell you that I am so grateful for it, I found out what I was truly made of.
Yes please go to meetings. Try several different meetings if you can. We have a different meeting everyday here in my area, and I can tell you that each meeting has a different feel to them. I have never left a meeting feeling worse than when I went into it.
Keep coming back here to, if it helps you. We have meetings here online if you want to try them. I attend meetings here when I can not get to a face to face meeting (F2F) because of the kids or whatever.
Read the literature. We have daily readers and I know in my meetings we have free pamphlets and newcomer packets.
Reaching out is not always easy to do, but I can tell you from someone who hates asking for help, I have never regretted it for a second.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
-- Edited by Mandy123 at 19:24, 2007-09-17
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Have you ever wished the solution was a can of static guard ? I'd even settle for a dryer sheet and 60 min in the dryer.
I grew up clingy. Girls/women would break up with me and unless it was messy I'd stay around, be a friend through all the other dysfunctional relationships they had, etc. LOL
One woman sticks out in my mind. She comes up often in my recovery as an early example of my choice in partners, people I loved. She needed fixing, she needed me. I had all the faith in the world in her. I'd show her that she was that person that she couldn't see.
We went our seperate paths, we always found each other through some cosmic connection (which we now both attribute to a power in the universe greater than my self or God). What is funny is that we both still have issues. But I noticed something. She didn't NEED me go fix her. She worked through so many things on her own. We both grew along our own paths, and ended up in a similar place. She doesn't have a formal program, not sure if she ever will, but when I speak about my recovery, she understands me. I can't say that about most people in recovery. I talk in recovery launguage or behave in healthy ways and many look at me like I'm alien.
I spent years in a marraige in which neither of us grew, or slowly grew apart. My recovery speeded up or got me moving, which ever it was. We have grown apart.
You don't need to be together to grow in the same direction.
Alanon helped me to grow, find parts of myself (I'm still searching), and so much more. It can help you too.
The mere fact that your willing to come here, especially as a guy, and more so as a admitted clingy guy tells me from my experience that you will feel welcomed, fit right in, and can grow exponentially. I welcome you to see if that is the case and welcome you to Alanon.
Keep coming back man ! Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Have you ever wished the solution was a can of static guard ? I'd even settle for a dryer sheet and 60 min in the dryer. --- lol thats too true, sometimes.
Thanks for the encouragement, I was kind of reluctant to do this in the first place, didn't really think it was necessary or something like that. Now that I have started to, its actually opened my eyes a bit. Im going to start going to local meetings here probably next monday. All the other meetings I see on the list are when Im working or having to drive about 30 miles each way. then I wouldn't be able to make them in time. Time will tell all, thats what I keep telling myself. I figure I will start out slow and when I become more comfortable with it, I might look into others. Baby steps right?
I thank you all for your support, it is much appreciated in these trying times, a different feeling when someone actually cares and listens (reads?).
Reluctant, if I may share something a counselor told me.
I went to a counselor that specialized in family issues and addictions.
He told me 90% of the guys that are in a relationship w/ an A say Screw This and bolt. Of those 10% that remain, only 10% of them actually go and seek help.
I like to feel like I'm unique, so this made me feel unique in a good way. hahahahaha.
It's a huge first step. Enjoy the next 1000 miles of the journey. :)
Bob
-- Edited by bobump at 23:47, 2007-09-19
__________________
You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
so, I'm in the elite 10% too, well, I haven't officially gone to a meeting yet, so I'm not in the elite 10% yet haha. But yeah, I'm not one of those people just just give up, I was happy, I'm determined to get there again :)
