The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was feeling pretty bad yesterday. Didn't even realize how bad most of the day. Was having a hard time keeping my temper with the kids. Then the A called and I really realize how the resentment has been building up.
Hauling water has become the focus of my life these days and will be until the rain comes, and I am tired of it. Some days I spend half the day just hauling water. I know it will get better in a few weeks when it starts to rain and i won't have to haul much at all, but then it will be mud season and that is a whole new set of fears. I may not be able to get water at all at times even for the house if the mud gets bad enough.
Here is where the resentment is seeded in my mind. I am scared to death to have to go through the winter out here by myself. My trucks engine is about to go. The little snow blower needs a tune up and won't run till it gets one. There is no firewood cut yet at all. Last year we had more than a dozen days severely below zero, and i have 2 small kids.
We live in a travel trailer with a room built on. You could throw cats through the holes where the wind blows through. All the pipes, drains and the water pump froze last year. And the floor is rotting from the leaks that went unfixed for months afterward. I fill the wash machine with a siphon hose, so pretty soon I will not be able to do laundry at home. My wood stove is so old that it is no longer safe , as the vents do not work right anymore.
The A brought home another stove, but I'm not sure it is big enough, and it needs to be cleaned and repainted and sealed, which will take at least a day or two. And I can not count on him to get it done anyway. Besides which I do not have the money to buy the paint and stove sealer.
I know he is trying. I am trying hard to expect nothing from him. Then if he does something to help I can just say thank you, and if he doesn't I don't have to be resentful due to my own unreasonable expectations. It was working well, but recently I am building up this fear as winter grows near and there is so much that I am not ready for. I am trying not to project too much, but it is hard as the mornings get colder and I am out every night to cover the tomato plants because now it is freezing every night for the last week or more.
Our business is going ok, but has obviously suffered from the A's slipping. I am almost getting the bills paid even if not on time. He is holding to our agreement to share the money, though it had to be modified a bit. He is getting his work done and his self talk sounds much better. I am happy for him on that count.
He has appologized for many things he has done and is learning how to be honest. He is even being honest with customers and talking about his problem with some of them. Many have been through similar situations one way or another. He has a sponsor and talks to him often and long.
Of course that is part of my feeling of being off balance. All of this change is good , but I am uncomfortable with it. I do not trust it. I do believe it is good and feel that it is the best, most productive that has happened so far, but still I do not trust it. In the back of my mind I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am afraid to spend what money I have because it may be all there is if he flakes again. And its not enough as it is. He is just now getting healthy enough to do a full days work again and now its getting late enough in the year that a full day is scarce. I have been putting out cards and flyers for bookkeeping work for myself but am so far getting no response. I may put an ad in the local paper.
I guess I just needed to get some of this out. Last night when the A called I was really upset and he let me unload a bit on him. I slept better afterward, and he said he felt good this morning that he could do that without shutting down and getting defensive. He talked long with his sponsor afterward. I was always afraid to share my feelings with him because he would use passive aggression to punish me for it later.
Things are getting better, but I am still very afraid and very untrusting. I guess that is a good thing to a point. I have no ability to trust him enough to let him back into the house because I know that would immediately undo any good that has been accomplished so far. I have to learn how to make it on my own. I have to get the confidence to live my own life.
Anyway thanks for listening if you got this far.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
All I can say is wow, you have certainly got a lot on your plate. Resentments, lack of trust and fear are normal when it comes to the health of our loved ones with addictions. Noone has been exactly where you are... but we have all been in that neighborhood. :)
When I have an endless list of very important things that need to get done... at times I get so flustered that I just simply don't know where to begin.
The best thing I can do... is just pick on and work it til its done. It does a lot of things for me. Keeps my mind busy with something good instead of worry, gives me a sense of accomplisment to get some movement on something, and it takes something off the list when I am done.
That list may still be a mile long, but it's one less than it was. If you could pick one thing to start on today... what would it be?
I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers today...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It sounds like you have it pretty rough right now. I was wondering though, is there things you can do that make the winter easier. Like putting insulation around those pipes? Maybe finding some wood to cover the holes in the flooring. Chop some wood? Living with an alcoholic for the last 20 yrs I've learned how to do many things myself. Initially I didn't know how to do any of it but I either asked or looked it up. I've changed faucets and the pipes underneath. Hooked up a gas dryer. Lit the pilot light for our old furnace (thank HP we got a new on this spring and I didn't blow us up..lol). I've ripped up carpet and layed laminate flooring. I've sanded oak stairs and polyurathaned them and they had been carpeted for 15 yrs, stains included. I've painted the whole interior of our house, upstairs and downstairs. Made a family room out of a basement. I learned to lay tile in the bathrooms and re-do window screens, made a 3 tiered rock garden in my front yard. We are full of stuff that we can do for ourselves if we just tap a few resources, gain the knowledge and go for it.
See it, believe it, achieve it! Go get em!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Live in the present ((((Jen)))). "What ifs" only make things worse. I know how hard it is to trust a newly recovered alcoholic, but focusing on one day at a time makes it easier to see that we only have today, this moment, and the present. Focus on the things you can fix today, like the holes in the floor or the stove, and remember that not all your problems have to be solved today.
SenoraBob
-- Edited by bob6502 at 14:46, 2007-09-16
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Hello jen , I don't know if your getting to al anon meetings for yourself , if not I hope u find the time to do so . u need support and al anon hugs ,this is just too damn hard to do alone . Am glad your husb is making some effort to help , just keep looking after you and your children , emotionally physically and spiritually , sounds like a tall order dosnt' it but it is possible , regardless of what he is doing = if you can do that you will be fine. Not trusting is normal in our situations , put your faith in a Higher Power ,u do the foot work and leave the out come to HIM . Enjoy the good days Jen , continued change on hubby and your part is what miracles are made of . Louise
When things are rough try and focus on the wonderful things around you. Try looking at a blue sky and thanking your HP that you have eyes to see it, or when your body is so tired from hauling that water, thank your HP for your arms and legs that carry it. I know it might sound ridiculous but try it. Sometimes when we give thanks at our worst time it eases our hearts. I hope the weather starts working with ya. You and your hubby will be in my prayers ^i^
((((Jen)))), Oh wow. I related to your post in so many ways.
Almost 6 years ago, I was at my lowest then, I was pregnant with my second child and my oldest was 2. We were living in a mobile home, my "A" and I were spereated (he was living with his sponsor), we had no electricity, the water had to be shut off from the outside because I pipe had busted, I had no money, no job, and no help from the "A" (and these were his two kids).
I had to swallow my pride and went and got onto state assistance. Best thing I ever did. It got me to where I am today. I see now that the hardest points in my life were my biggest growth periods.
I don't know where you are at. But here we have agencies that provide energy assistance, weatherization services, and many other things. Is it possible that you can access services like this in your area. Also there is a national employment program called WIA (Workforce Investment Act) it is a federal program, and it costs nothing to be a part of it. They help with resumes, job hunter classes, and more often than not can offer job leads. Here this program is connected to our Employment Security office, but the agecny I work for offers this program as well.
We are here, with hundreds of ears to listen and arms to offer hugs of support. If you ever need to vent, you know where to come.
You and your family are in my prayers Jen.
Yours in recovery, Mandy aka Dolphin123
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Good thoughts, positive attitude, all of that is very good, and necessary. However, if you are living without heat and water through the winter, they are not enough. I find the best thing is to switch the focus from "worry about the future" to "PLAN for the future". If you face in your mind what the worst case could be, and have some sort of plan in place for it, some of your anxiety can be lessened. If that means going to the food bank, or asking relatives, or social assistance - there is nothing shameful in that.
Trust will start to come back eventually, once it is earned. Since it is his job to earn it, not yours, all you have to do is to be open to it when enough time has passed. The one who gets to decide how much time is enough is you.
Well, you came to the right place to let it all out. So many in Alanon have been where we are. There is a chill in the air. My AHsober moved out 2 years ago. My kids are gone. I felt myself beginning to panic this weekend thinking do I want to do this again for another winter? I heat my house with wood and live in a rural area. I travel 2 hours to town and am not looking forward to driving in the snow and ice. What I have found in the last two years is that I CAN do alot and have learned to do alot. I think that you just start by doing little things. The biggest thing that I have learned is to ask ie let family, friends, and strangers know what my needs are. So many people have helped me chop wood. Even my youngest nieces and nephews have helped. There is a way. It seems that when you start accepting that you CAN do this, then your HP steps it up and miracles start happening. Too funny this weekend my close girlfriend and her friend came to visit. I explained to them about the wood situation. They said that they wanted to learn to chop wood. So I showed them (another worry for me since I just had shoulder surgery and won't be chopping anything for a year). They laughed and laughed because they kept missing. But they did splt a couple of pieces. So I am a couple of pieces ahead.
Thank you all. I am feeling much better today. Your suggestions are helpful. I am going to have to go ask for assistance. I just won't be able to get it all done otherwise. I grew up low income and always hated getting food stamps etc, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
Nancy- I used to love teaching people how to do things like chop wood. It is hard work but good exercise. My problem at the moment is no wood to chop. There simply is none at the present. I can apply for heating assistance when that program starts, but I have used that to pay the winters power bill in the past. We do have one electric heater in the trailer where my 7 yo son sleeps. It helps.
Anyway I just have to have faith that whats needed will come when its needed.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
