The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well visting mom was just fine, i think we will be fine too. the past is the past and im in recovery and there is no reason to hate her she did what she thought was right and or worked with what she had/knew.... things could have turned out much worse and they didnt so thats good enough me. i can move on. ive stopped working on step four for a little bit but i will start soon again. i just felt like i was nit picking from the past. but not really. i think i went all the way bck that far so i could figure out why i am where i am today and i think ive got it, i am sure i dont have it all figured out, im sure i have more to learn, what i do know is that i know exactly why and how i have been in certain relationships, why i have done things i have done to hang on to them even when they just werent meant to be and i knew it all along anyway, and why i am where i am today.
i think we all know in the back of our minds who we are, and its all piled under layers of guilt anxiety denial and pain. well maybe not all of us but for me anyway. and im ready to get back to work on me. maybe it wont be so exhausting if i try and do some good thoughts about myself. anyhow, the f2f meeting last night was about attitude, and when it came time for me to talk nothing special popped into my head to speak of like it usually does. BUt when i came home and thought about it, i wanted to kick myself. there were so many negative shares and i could have been a positive one! and all i said was that sometimes my h gets attitudes and i just try to keep my mouth shut, and that i notice myself sometimes when i have a short attitude with my kids and when im doing it i notice and then i change the whole way i handle the situation when im acting like i have no patience or im irritated. which is good i guess.
but what i could have said was that ever since my h and i have been in recovery our attitudes have changed. we no longer argue. we look at things from a different point of view. we are grateful for each other~not spiteful towards each other. he watches the kids when i go to meetings and i watch the kids when he goes to meetings. thats a change in attitude for both of us. i could never trust him to watch the kids unattended. he would never watch them anyway i always had to have them with me EVERYWHERE. since he has been sober, i actually went out with a friend i havent seen from high school for years. i went to a family function the same day too. and he took the kids to a fair with his sister. and i had not done anything without my kids for i can remember hw long i trust in him and i have no doubts or worries about him watching the kids. i couldnt even get a part time job when he was drinking. i didnt feel safe leaving my kids wth him. i even asked his mom that if i did get a job a while back, if she would come over and watch him and the kids. lol how insane is that. so yeah our attitudes have changed for the better and its a miracle!!!! REALLY ;)
the other quick thing i wanted to say is its so ironic ~ before, he would always have someone stop over and hang out, and drink or smoke and i would bitch at him and so would the kids , for one i didnt want the smoking by the kids so he would have to be separate from the kids. and two when his friends were here we all felt left out anyway. but now, my h says to me the other night.,,,,,, every night you are on that computer for like two hours having a meeting. why dont you think about spending some time with me? LMAO wow how the tables turn,
and no i wont stop doing meetings here or going to f2f meetings. its what keeps me sane. i like serenity and i dont wanna go back to that miserable place or feelings i had before this miracle happened. so he can wait. just like me and the kids did for a lonnnnng time. but its all better now. knock on wood and thanks to my hp. and you all for listening. DONE
What's that they say - something about looking at the past but not staring? You have to look at your childhood in order to understand today, but you are right, there is no point in holding a grudge. Your mom most likely did the best she could given who she was and what was happening in her life. I know that having my own kids, and not always doing the right thing for them, has shown me that even a good mom with the best intentions, does things to hurt her children. Often while thinking she is doing right.
You will probably be revisiting this issue over and over through the years, with a different slant each time as your recovery shows you more and more about who you are. Don't have to do it all at once.
I agree about changed attitudes - they probably make more real difference than any other one thing.
