The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been playing with Al-Anon for some time now- going to meetings for short spurts, then convincing myself that I can do it on my own. That everything will turn out alright. I have been trying to do it all on my own my whole life and it hardly seems to be working.
My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me for a variety of reasons, but chiefly being that he felt that I was ashamed of him as I haven't introduced him to my father (my qualifier). This is simply the straw that broke the camel's back as there have been many things leading up to this. I took him for granted, refused to go to Al-Anon meetings as he has been suggesting since we first started dating, financial woes, not being honest.
He broke up with me the day after I had an abortion and my great-grandmother died.
Needless to say, it has been a tough 72 hours. My money problems are blowing up. I feel lower than low. I wonder if this is the rock bottom I have been somewhat waiting for. I hope that I can make changes now... but I have no idea what to do. I'm afraid to even leave my home sometimes, let alone march back into those meetings and confess my secrets and failures.
My father rules my life. Even though I haven't talked or seen him in a month or two, he still is in my head all the time: judging me, making me feel guilty for all my irresponsible behavior and ingratitude.
I am miserable. I can't live like this anymore. I feel horrible about myself and have become some paranoid that I convince myself that everyone is judging or mocking me when I leave the house. I am 24 years old and miserable. No direction or focus in my life, just my own pity. I lost a truly great man. He still remains my friend, but I of course miss his love. He was so patient and I can't blame him for it making the best decision for himself.
I am lost at sea... I am scared and alone and hurting so deeply- for the loss of my great grandmother, for the loss of my boyfriend, for the mistake of getting pregnant, for the money situation I have backed myself into, for feeling behind the curve, for not being able to make simple changes in my life. What do I do?
I would bet you have strength within you that you haven't tapped as yet. What you think of yourself is surely your perspective, not everyone else's. There's no need for you to confess anything at Alanon meetings. You are free to go and just listen. Later, should you find a sponsor, that is the only person that will know your secrets and she will not judge you, but help you. You are worthy of help. You are worthy of the fellowship Alanon offers. You are worthy of finding out who you really are and not believing what someone told you are. You are a young creative person full of adventures yet to be discovered. Just put one foot in front of the other sweetie. Help is awaiting you and it's yours for the taking.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
So glad you took the courage to share that with us. I hope you will find the courage to go back to an Alanon meeting for yourself. It is difficult to overcome the effects of A'ism all by ourselves. I know for me I needed the support when I needed it and when I was feeling strong I gave myself the support I needed. Right now you are hurting and its o.k. to reach out and ask for help. Try to take it one day at a time, your pain will diminish slowly but surely. You are a gift waiting to discover yourself and share yourself with others. Hang in there
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
well for some of us our parents are huge issues that we have to contend with. I started in therapy almost twenty years ago. I have to say it gets better but for a time it was much much worse. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. There are times when I can only feel loss. Other days, like today I can feel there are openings, glimmers of hope of something else. Of course it is all work to get there, grief is a great deal of work. Have you thought about going to a grief support group they can be helpful. How about coming here regularly and posting. There is a fantastic group of people here who listen, care and really do want the best for you.
I am sorry you broke up with your boyfriend. I have had boyfriend break ups after I expreience a loss. I'd have to say I was devastated.
You were very courageous for getting an abortion I'm sure that was a very hard choice to make and I know you have your reasons that you do not need to share. In my experience (I have a mother that sounds like your father) and the one thing that helped me was to find a counselor. You can check out places in your community for free counseling (they have low income, along with places that accept insurance) I was totally against counseling until I tried it and I could not believe the strength it put in me. I am a firm believer that you can not put things together in your life until you have taken care of yourself first. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and talking to a professional might really help you. You have so much life in front of you so I hope you think about couseling. Take care of yourself sweetheart, you come first before all others. I hope you find a way to put everything into perspective. ((((big hugs))))
