The material presented
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level.
I think I have done this all my life. Sometimes Im not sure what it looks like. Other people say to me that they are upset by how I am treated, but Im not upset. So it makes me wonder if I am suppose to be upset. After my ex and I split for the last time.Well let me back up a bit, to be honest we have been divorced for some time and I have let him come back over and over to try to make it work. Eventually he goes back to using and then everything falls apart again and it is my fault.I have felt for a lifetime that there is something very wrong with me, I am a pretty messed up person for all the things that happen in my life. So I decided to seek counseling, get answers on how to fix myself and what it was that I was doing to cause the drinking. It took me awhile to talk about what was really going on in my home but once I did, I was referred to Alanon. Took me a bit to finally attend a meeting. I saw what all this was doing to my sons and with the help of the counselor I decided that it was time to stop letting him come back. This has been very difficult for me and has taken a long time. In this time my life has fallen apart. My youngest son when his dad left, started acting out, maybe it was before and I was too blind to see. He was angry all the time, with everything I said or did. Lost interest in school, in how he looked, came home late and said it was none of my business where hed been. He would break things that meant something to me. Broke his hand punching a door. He was acting like his dad. As a last resort, I tried everythingelse, I took him to a therapist. In the first session the therapist told him he would not talk to me that way in front if him. I saw nothing wrong in what my son said, he spoke to me like he normally does. After the first session my son refused to go to anymore. Again I tried everything, any reasoning I could think of. What I got was that my son was going to live with his dad, there was nothing wrong with him, it was me and that there was nothing in our relationship to work on. The violence continued and my son said it wouldnt stop until I let him go. I did, it was one of the hardest things Ive ever done. He promised it wouldnt be like it was with his older brother. Its turned out exactly the same way, he will have nothing to do with me. When I call he is angry with me and I have to contend with comments from his dad in the background.I am not sure what is going on with my youngest son I dont want to think hes going down the same road as his dad.
I see I have rambled on and on (sorry didnt mean for that to happen). I guess what Im trying to do is ask how do you discern what is inappropriate? I have recently quit a job because I was finally able to see some of the similarities between the job and an alcoholic home. It has taken me some time to do this. I dont want to go back into the same thing but it seems that is what I do.There are many fears in not being employed, but I dont want to take the first thing offered ( as I have done before) if anything gets offered. I have been unemployed for three weeks and I havent heard anything from the places I have applied.I am thinking about taking this time I have now, to look at my life. A very scary thought. Overwhelmed. But I know if I do what I have always done I will get what I have always gotten. Maybe its time to live not just survive. Does it get better? Can you put your life back together? Are there any pieces left?I know all this sounds incredibly stupid but I really dont know. Sorry this is so long.
The first thing that came to mind reading, you think you rambled and you didn't mean to do that. Maybe, just maybe you are right were you are supposed to be...getting all of that out of you.
Second, you think you sound incredibly stupid? Would you think it was inappropriate if I called you stupid? I would hope so. Let it begin with me. Maybe you could start by thinking one good thing about yourself a day. You don't even have to say it outload if you can't yet, just think it. That would be a good step.
If I treat myself with less than the dignity I deserve, I teach others how to treat me. They follow my lead. It was a tough realization that I tought people how to treat me. But this wasn't the time to beat up on myself for making that mistake. It was time to change the things I could...me...how I treated me.
In the past 7 days, I caught myself in pretty bad self talk at least 5 or 6 occasions. I was able to catch myself and tried to put myself in a better place, or positively affirm something a few times. Some of those times by doing so I received an incredible gift.
Our church is part of a world day of prayer. They have been looking for volunteers to take 1 hour on 9/13 from home or at the church. At first I thought, this would be a nice way to give back. Then....dum dum dummmmmm.....the self talk kicks in. "You've only been in this church for a little bit, you don't know what your doing, you won't do it right, blah blah blah."
But Sunday they still had slots to fill. They asked once again for people who felt moved to assist. Well somehow I finally got passed the negative self talk and just did it. I got the instructions in an email yesterday. It is really quite simple. Now it's almost embarrasing to think that I didn't think I could do it. lol
I did do it and guess what. I was in a situation filled with turmoil. I needed that 1 hour of quite time with myself and my HP. It was EXACTLY what I needed and I would NOT have received it had I listened to my negative tapes.
binohio, your a perfect child of your HP, and your HP and I love you just the way you are ! I think I'm changing my signature today. LOL
Keep coming back, Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I can relate to how hard it is to let them go. I do it one day at a time. I also do it by coming here daily and sharing what is going on for me. I know there is another kind of life. I try to get there one day at a time no more no less. I am glad you are here.
I have also had many situations that mirror the one I had with the A. I was very very very depressed for a long long time. I am now not depressed and focused. We can do it slowly but surely.
The first thing that stands out to me is your son's behavior. I've heard that often times in families the children get angry at the non-drinking parent for not being able to fix or do something about the drinking parent. Sounds like your son is grieving the loss and in his anger phase blaming you for something out of his control (dad's drinking). Just remember you are not to blame.
I too have been abused all my life, physically and emotionally. I take it and like you I did not see it. At some level I think I was addicted to the pain, it felt right to me. I was used to it. And at some level, I didn't feel worthy. Through my counseling and Al-anon and working the program, I am getting much better and speaking up and recognizing inappropriate behavior - both in myself and others. What a blessing! And like you, I am in a company that feels somewhat like an alcoholic home with lots of indirect communication, passive/aggressive behavior, dishonesty, defensiveness, blaming, manipulating etc. I didn't realize that I attracted that everywhere I go...but today I can see why and am taking steps to do the next right thing. Sounds like you are as well. Good for you!
While your sons departure must have been tough, you did the right thing. Hopefully he will move through this and at somepoint realize that you are not to blame and learn to treat you with respect. if not, learn to set those boundaries with others. You deserve so much love and goodness - you are a beautiful person. Hugs to you, Twinkie
Baby steps, hon. You didn't get to this place all at once, it's OK if it takes a while to get out of it.
One thing you might want to look at is - are you accepting less for yourself than you would for someone you love? If someone treated one of your sons the way people are treating you, would you feel that it is wrong? Do you treat others, as badly as others are treating you? Maybe you do know what innappropriate and unacceptable behaviour is, you just don't believe you deserve any better.
If you start taking better care of yourself, you will start to find your own truth, and get back n touch with the feelings you may not have been letting yourself feel. It's scary stuff, but you can take it slow.
You haven't been doing anything to cause the drinking - you are not that poerful. However, chances are pretty good that some of your actions have contributed to the unhappiness in your family. This is actually a good thing, because - you have the power to change your actions, and to have different outcomes in the future. Alanon can help you find the path that will lead you to serenity and joy, welcome.
