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this is a reply to one of my post from last week or somethng, but i didnt know whether anyone actually would see it since its from last week. anyway thanks you guys.. i appreciate the support and feedback ;) i have slacked off or took it easy for a couple days on looking back into my childhood and enjoyed a few days in the here and now. when im ready to get back into the delving i will, right now i am getting ready to take the kids to see my mom~we usually go out once a week and she hasnt seen them for a little more than that. she bought some MORE school supplies for my daughter.... wants to see the video of her first day getting on the bus..... i do have to admit that since these things i have been pulling out of my memory i feel a little wierd to be around her. i dont like this feeling i have for her right now. after i started my soul searching or step 4, i havent really called unless i had to or felt like returning her call which was days later.... and when i did talk to her, she was normal i guess, until she started asking about my ah and having doubt in him like is he going to his meetings? i told her yeah and he was sober for a month just this past monday and she was like well i think it should be longer than that , like he must have slpped up( he didnt) thats how long its been since i left him and came back home.... and then she said something to the effect of him "going to a meeting" so he could drink. i dont know i blocked that out and got offended. didnt let it show just said he is doing fine, and things are good. nowdont get me wrong i know she is my mom and before alanon i used to call her (i actually used to hold it in until things got too much for me around here) and tell her the crap and she was always there for me, always will be..... but now that i am remembering all this stuff i kind of feel wierd and i am not going to bring up the past. what good is it going to do? but cause drama which i dont want! its not going to solve anything. i also have this feeling which i hate-like im trying to just keep the peace and at the same time im hurt and upset and ashamed . thats the feelng. ASHAMED and GUILTY for having these feelings and if i did address them that i would be shunned or told off. thats the feeling i have. and i know i have had it before when i was younger because its an all too familar feeling that i dont wanna feel. we get along so much now, and i wish i didnt remember these thngs. but everyone has a child hood that wasnt the best right? getoverit lol thats what im gonna try to do and move forward well im going to get the kids ready now so im sure it will be fine, since she love love loves the kids and she loves me too i know. i think she knows how it was in the past and maybe tries to do better through the kids? who knows. im glad to be able and come here and let it all out, and the words to express my feelings are able to come out too. i used to never be able to do that and to come here with no guilt about how i feel or fear of being told off about bringing old stuff up feels so good. i dont have to go to my mom and make a crisis. its all in the past and im ready to move on into the future,. now if i had been raped or violently or physically abused i would definetly feel the need to address the past but i think she did the best she could with what she had or knew and maybe she didnt have the best coping skills either. thats been passed onto me but i love the tools here they are WONDERFUL! A GOD SEND!!!!! bye talk later thanks for listening!
I had a tough time remembering things in my childhood. No real abuse. Well today getting hand cuffed to the bed so I didn't go out the fireescape and run around in my tighty whities would probably generate a call to authorities, but back then, the cops offered my mom a pair. We already had one from when my Dad was an MP. I never did cosider that abuse. LOL
I did live w/ severe dysfunction though. Alanon has loving taught me that they did the best they could with what they had. Alanon has taught me I did the best I did, in the face of alcoholism that I could and made many mistakes with my own children.
This was a tough realization for me and even the phrase "They/I did the best They/I could." stirs things in me. My A used to say all the time "I'm doing the best I can." I used to reply.... "Well your best sucks." I feel much guilt and shame to this day for that.
I also understand the feelings of guilt and shame for having feelings. I don't recall that in my childhood home, but I see it in my current home. My AW could never deal with any one else having negative feelings around her. She would always try to fix you, get angry with you, or tell you to stop feeling that way, with me and the kids.
I also had a realization that I did the same. I remember what I used to do when my son got scared of something. "you have nothing to be scared of" The bottom line was, it was uncomfortable for me to see my son upset. I tried to just make it go away....Shooo that fear away. In doing so, what I did was really invalidate what he felt. What I do know is ask if he knows why or what, peeling away a few layers if we can...then I tell him it's ok to be scared and reassure him that he is in a safe place though.
So not sure if it's really on topic to what you shared but it is what was stirred up in me from reading your share.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
(((((frazzled))))) I can completely relate. I am new to alanon and recovery, but what I have done in these situations is try to live for the moment. Enjoy the day...the kids...etc. Let go of the past if only to get through the visit. I am in a similar place as you and am realizing that I may never get amends from those that have hurt me. I want to be okay within me whether I get the amends I think I deserve or not and that is why I continue to work the steps. In most cases, for me at least, those that harmed me don't live in my reality. I truly think that if they stepped out of their denial, thier own pain would be too great.
What about getting a mutual counselor (preacher, priest, friend) and talk out these issues with her? Just a suggestion for your own healing. Only you would know if it would help you or not. Have you tried journaling as if you were writing to her? Maybe getting it out that way might ease your mind as well. You sound very strong. You have come a long way. Have a relaxing day. :)
