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Ok so I had the talk with my hubby about divorce. I spoke to him Sunday and told him I thought that this would be the best thing. He didn't get angry, just very upset. (SAD) WE talked about the house, and everything else that goes with having a divorce. It was sooo wierd. never thought that it would come to this. I told him I was calling a lawyer on Monday. So monday comes around, and I was sooooo hesistate to pick up the phone and call. Divorce is REALLY the last thing I want. I know this is wrong, but I was hoping he call me at work and just tell me that he know she has a problem and he's going to get help for himself and for the fact he doesn't want to lose his family. Didn't get a phone call. I called and made the appoinment.
That night he was ready to talk some more and explained once again that he doesn't want a divorce and that he loves me and can never see himself with anyone else. But not once did he say what I wanted to hear. it's the same stuff we have talked about so mant times before. I love him very much and like I said before he is a WONDERFUL Husband and father to our children. He just has this ONE problem and It's a big one. He admits to me the other night that he knows he has a problem but I think I exaggerate a little on it. I don't thinks so. I listen to everyones shares here and I know some have it way worst than me, but It's still affected me and had been for over 13 years. There has been so much go on the last few years that I had just gotten to the point that if I even see one beer in his hand I Cringe. Adn when he get's drunk, I'm even more upset. I told him that him drinking and driving with our daughter was not exagerrating. HIm drinking and driving PERIOD after a dui is not exagerrating. Becasue of this problem we have some financial issues and I don't want to wait for anther one. I told him that I can't control his drinking but don't need to stick around for it.
I just want him to recognize 100% that he has a problem and get help. If those words came out of his mouth and he REALLY meant it, I would give it a try. But he hasn't, so that tells me that I need to move on with my life. As long he don't see it, things will never get better, just worst.
So I have the appointment today for a consultation and I'll just go from there.
Hi Silvana Your story sounds almost the same as mine did one year ago. It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to get some peace and serenity in your life. Divorce was the last thing I wanted too, but I couldn't stay and let his addictions ruin my life, emotionally or financially.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted! Artygirl
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Now I dont' trust myself to stick out this decision but I've come to the conclusion that divorce is the answer. A song that says Be True to Yourself that talks about moving on, and being happy, a meditation that told me that it is time.
I've thought I had made the decision before. But I always made it out of anger. Today I make it out of love. I have to love myself enough to want happiness. I think this makes it a little easier for me too.
I've been thinking how I'm going to approach my wife on this subject. One thing I didn't realize was that I already told her at a counseling session that I don't have feelings for her like a wife and husband anymore. They just aren't there. What I have to keep in focus is....that's not her fault. They are my feelings, it's where I'm at. I can create a laundry list of harms she has done. But what I'm trying to concentrate on right now, is my list of wrongs. So that I can try to make amends on the way out for those.
I need to leave as much of the baggage as I can at the curb on the exit. It's not fair to try to dump it and leave it on her, nor is it right for me to carry it with me. Hopefully my HP will come buy in a garbage truck and take it away for me.
I do feel sad for this ending. I know there is grieving to do for it. A do think alot of my anger and resentment towards my wife has been a combination of things. I think it was anger that I wasn't getting my will, anger that I didn't really want to have to make this decision. But anger is also part of the grief process. I think I've spent time bouncing back and forth between denial and anger on this process. Then I was bouncing between anger and bargaining. The old things will get better if I do this and you do that.
I still do get twinges of anger, especially when triggered but lately I feel sad lately. But I'm finding peaceful moments in the day when. Even enough peaceful moments to think that this is the next right step, quiet enough to hear a voice whipser to me "it is time.....it is time......it is time...."
Thank God for the peace, love and understanding of this program as I think it has allowed me to contemplate this decision in a way previously not possible for me.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Good luck to you - you sound like you know what you need to do. Although it is hard, it is best thing for both of you. Stick to your guns and what you need; it is enabling and manipulative to state a course of action and than not follow through. Check your intentions. While we often hope that something we say will trigger then to get help, that sad part is there is nothing we can do or say for them to get help. We have to take care of ourselves and our best interest. They have to decide to stop an get help for themselves. They have to hit a point of truly wanting a new way of life for themselves. It is powerful and cunning. His not responding to your course of action by doing what you'd like for him to do is in no way a reflection on his love for you. He and his HP just are not ready.
You know what you need and you deserve it - we are here for you. The roads will be rough. If this is the course of action you feel is in your best interest then take those sets, however, painful. You and your Higher Power will be just fine.
I think it's hard sometimes to have these decisions be just about us. Often there is that little voice in the back saying "if I go to this extreme, he'll finally get it", but they don't. And sometimes if they do we realize, its too late anyway.
((((Silvana))))) (((Bob)))
Keep the focus on you. Try to find time to do something nice for yourselves today.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My daughter was late to school, which is anxiety producing for me. But I'm behind on my hope for today reader. I brought it along with me. On the way home I stopped at the park, I spent a few moments listening to some positive and affirming music, then played it low and caught up on 8 or 9 days worth of HFT.
I can't believe that I'm the closest I have ever been to proceeding w/ this and I feel the as good as I have in a LONG time.
It was a wonderful gift for myself today.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Even if you got the answer you were looking for it wouldn't change anything. My husband said he had a problem and didn't want the divorce. I did cancell the divorce and nothing has changed for us. Luckily my ah lives on the other coast so I don't have to have him around the children. IF I did I would definitly get a divorce because I am their only protector and it's up to me. I can totally understand why you're doing what you're doing. What if you come right out and say "this is what I was expecting"? Maybe if he KNEW that he could keep you by working on being sober, maybe it might light a fire under his butt. It might at least get him to AA to want to change. It has to seem like all his idea though or it won't work. Change for him will take a long long time and it's scary as hell, would you be willing to go to AA with him until he gets comfortable? I'm all for trying until you can't anymore. He definityly should NOT be driving with that little girl. Good luck hun.
It is such a hard call. My AHsober left and said he wanted a divorce two years ago. It won't change anything for me - sad or sad. I have waited a lifetime for that phone call and it rarely comes and I have waited a lifetime for just the right words and it has rarely happened. Well, do what you have to do and your Alanon friends will be here for you.
I can relate to the denial. The A I was with is now in court process because of his reckless driving. He still says it is not a problem! He may go to jail but it is not a problem. He is the kind of minimization unless it relates to him.
