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I haven't posted in a while, I have been sucked back in and though I knew better I still let it happen and now I don't know which way to go. My axbf lives only six streets from me. His eight year old son is holding me more than he is, He has turned into someone I don't know and don't know if I want to be around him. He is severly depressed, Watches TV all day and drinks beer, he was drinking whiskey but becasue of no work he just doesn't have the money. (i guess) His brother and sister inlaw moved out (they had had enough, and I knew it would happen). His son 19 year old son is getting the same way. he has been smoking pot for a few days since he passed his drug test and now instead of every week he only is getting tested once a month. He isn't bathing as far as I know. I have been spending weekends just hanging out doing nothing but watching TV and keeping his 8 year old company, because if I wasn't there he would be intertaining himself all day. I feel for him so bad. His dad wont do anything or go any where. I know I should just walk away. I KNOW. But I can't. I know it is only going to hurt me in the long run. This little boy has no kids to play with and is very isolated when not in school. He loves me and I him. I did take HIS clothes home to wash so he would have school clothes. Is this enabling? I am trying to use everything I have learn. I am also driving dad because he has no liscense. To collect money so he could but groceries, beer and cigs. He has no work and now he says he might have to move where there is work. This would be a long way from me. I don't want them to move but it probally be the best thing for me , The futher the better. I just needed some ESH. I feel like a failure to myself and my ax/bf. Thanks
You are not a failure - be gentle with yourself. You are loving and have a large heart. It sounds like reading your post that at some level though you know that what you are doing is probably not in your best interest. Do what feels right and healthy. We all slip, we all fall back. The beauty is that the more we are in program, the quicker we catch ourselves so we don't spiral downward.
It is hard to watch a young child suffer because of the illness of their parents. I was once faced with a similar incident with my boyfriends son and called my counselor for guidance. He said as long as the child had food and was not exhibiting any serious signs of distress (crying, anxiety, anger), that I should not get involved as it was enabling. By my caretaking, I am taking away responsibilities of the alocholic (even though he may not be doing them). This just gives him more reason to keep on drinking. He advised me that if the child needed caretaking than I should contact the appropriate people, whether that be a grandparent or social services.
Please know this is just based on my experience, your situation may be different.
Above all, do something for yourself, you deserve it and you sound to me to be a very special, loving and kind woman.
I can only say what I think, it's not necessarily correct. There really is no correct way to do things, it's really only what works for us and feels right.
For me, caring for a child would never be enabling. I think what I would do is remove myself from the A and take the child to my home on weekends, getting him away from the destruction of the disease whenever possible.
As far as driving the A for food, beer and cigs..I wouldn't do it. He's a mature adult and should be able to figure it out. Maybe I would take his money and go buy food to ensure the little guy had something to eat for the week, but beer? No way... At some point, even though he is depressed, he would have to get off his a$$ and do these things himself or consider giving up his vices. Alcohol is a depressant, so right now the alcohol and the depression are just feeding eachother.
It always amazes me that men think they "can't find work" at a fast food place or sweep a floor to put food on the table. A job sure isn't going to come to him while he sits in front of the TV all day drinking beer. I know as a single Mom I had more then one crappy job but my kids ate because of it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I don't think washing a little boy's clothes is enabling in any way. Mabye enabling him to have some semblance of a normal life? It's a shame that the child has to suffer because of the adult child! I take it his mom isn't around? It's hard when there's nothing you can do, really the only thing you could do is call CPS and that could either make it worse or better and you never know until it's done.
Hello , enabling ? I don't think so the boy is a child and I think he is lucky to have you in his life (hugs) . Perhaps you could take the boy to your house instead of hanging around b/f 's apartment , just a thought . Louise
That's a tough one because I am all for giving to the children. But.........you're eventually going to have to let go off all of it at some point...don't you think? Legally you can not taket his child. I would get child protection services involved for the benefit of this child who is clearly neglected. I would think this would be the only hope for this little boy to have a decent life. The route his life is going is going to be very dreary if he doesn't get a positive male role model in his life. I would have washed his clothes too. Nothing wrong with that. As far as the ex though........ummm...I would have to distance myself from him. He sounds draining. You and that little boy need to find happiness and get out of that darkness. I hope you speak up for this child. Call gaurdian ad litum or CPS and start asking questions. Something has to be done. Good luck.
well I can understand feeling bad for the child and also for him. I've been on and off setting distance with my exoboyfriend for a long long time. There is no right/wrong way to do this. We do what we need to in time. What I'd like to hear is how are you taking care of you. Do you have to spend all weekend there. What about you and your weekend. That is important to. You can spend time on you - do you have issues. What are you doing for you.
Time to think of yourself too. There is nothing wrong with taking care of others its when it becomes all consuming and we think we can change it that's the issue. In time maybe your boyfreind will get fed up being unemployed and do something. Maybe he will maybe he wont' you have very very little to do with it.
Thanks for all the caring and ESH. I am feeling better. And yes I am taking care of myself and doing things for me. We only live six streets apart so I can always go home when I want to. I visited last night for a short time, and had what I thought was the most honest talk we have had in a while. I feel soooo bad for him and the decesions he has to make. He doesn't know where he wants to go and what he wants to do. He has an 8 year old son to consider. He made the comment that maybe I have to reach my rock bottom before things get better. He is thinking of going to jail for the rest of his probation. That way he can't drink, smoke and he will get the medical attention he has put off for four years. He has several relatives that would love to take his son for a year until he gets out. For me I think the futher he moves away the better for me,because it is so hard to see the man I once knew and to know he will never be that man again. Again I have my good days and bad days. today has been a good day I have tried to not just think about it. The future is not mine to see. And I pray for him and his family. I still love him very much but maybe this will be the best if he just moves away from me.
